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// The Soft Girl Survival System - https://stan.store/GraceSandra/p/the-soft-girl-survival-system //

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Ever felt like you're hanging by a thread, quietly crumbling while trying to hold it all together? This raw, honest conversation dives into what happens when a Black woman reaches rock bottom—and finds her way back.

I'm sharing my personal journey from escaping domestic violence through the darkest valleys of complex PTSD, perimenopause, financial hardship, and suicidal ideation. For years, I searched desperately for resources created by Black women who understood these specific struggles, only to come up empty-handed. That search led me to create what I couldn't find: the Soft Girl Survival System.

What makes this healing approach different is its foundation in the lived experience of being "down bad"—so down that traditional healing resources feel impossible to implement. When your nervous system is shot, when you can't focus because of ADHD or perimenopause brain fog, when you're parenting alone or drowning in grief—you need tools designed with these realities in mind.

The most transformative revelation in my journey wasn't finding external safety or validation, but realizing these must first be cultivated within. Society doesn't provide adequate systems to hold Black women in our pain, so we must create our own. This shift from seeking softness outside myself to embodying it internally changed everything about how I navigate relationships, work, and self-worth.

If you've ever felt stuck in survival mode despite trying everything—therapy, meditation, journaling, medication—know that healing is possible on your terms and timeline. You deserve softness, especially when life has been hard. You're allowed to thrive, and you don't need to be perfect to begin.

Ready to stop surviving and start thriving? Check out the Soft Girl Survival System in the show notes, designed specifically for Black women navigating trauma, ADHD, perimenopause, and the unique challenges we face. Your healing journey doesn't have to look like anyone else's—it just needs to start

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Connect with Lily!

Website - https://www.bodyintelligenceacademy.com
IG: https://www.instagram.com/bodyintelligence_academy
Her Medium article- https://medium.com/@lily_56950/love-bombs-and-red-flags-a-story-about-self-trust-703e50041bbc

What happens when two women discover they've been manipulated by the same man? In this raw, intimate conversation, we meet Lily - a woman who had a brief encounter with the Grace's ex-husband years before their marriage. When Grace discovered her then-husband was obsessively creating disturbing artwork featuring Lily's face and planning to sell it, she reached out with a warning. What blossomed was an unexpected friendship and a powerful testament to female solidarity.

The conversation takes us through the disturbing reality of how manipulative partners create false narratives about former relationships. The host's ex-husband maintained a years-long fixation on Lily, even painting a violent portrait that began as a beautiful image but evolved into something grotesque over time. This obsession became a tool for emotional abuse in his marriage, as he would taunt his wife by comparing her to Lily and suggesting she was trying to imitate her.

Beyond the shared trauma, this episode reveals Lily's remarkable journey from professional dancer to somatic coach and creator of the Body Intelligence Collective. Her work helps women reconnect with their bodies through movement, especially after experiencing trauma or disconnection. Lily shares how movement became her pathway to healing after her own divorce, as it allowed her to process emotions that couldn't be resolved through traditional talking therapies.

Both women discuss society's tendency to define women by their relationships with men and how they've found strength in rejecting these limitations. Lily explains why she fired a marketing person who insisted on featuring her husband prominently in her business materials, believing women would only be interested in her work if it promised a "happily ever after" with a partner.

This conversation offers a message of hope: even from painful experiences, beautiful connections can emerge. As Lily puts it in the closing moments, "Create a quiet space where you can hear yourself...get in nature, and move a little bit. It doesn't have to be a huge movement practice...just be able to hear yourself."

📚MY BOOK📚

Grace, Actually: Faith, Love, Loss & Black Womanhood

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Have you ever watched a show that unexpectedly cracked your heart open? That's what happened when I watched Netflix's "Forever" - and I'm still processing all the feelings it brought up.

This adaptation of Judy Blume's 1975 novel follows two Black teenagers in 2018 Los Angeles through their experiences of first love. But what struck me most powerfully were the parents - particularly Justin's mother with her protective (sometimes "overbearing") love and his father with his perfect balance of firmness and unconditional acceptance. "You will never lose my love," he tells his son in one pivotal moment, and those words illuminated something I've been missing my entire life.

As someone raised by a white mother with paranoid schizophrenia and an absent Black father who later abused me, watching these functional, loving Black families on screen created an ache of recognition. I found myself wondering what it would have been like to grow up with that protection, that stability, that unconditional love. Not just theoretically, but specifically - what would my life trajectory have looked like with parents who could create safe spaces for me instead of spaces I needed to escape?

This isn't about claiming victimhood or staying stuck in grief. It's about acknowledging our specific wounds so we can heal them. For Black women especially, we're so often expected to be endlessly resilient without acknowledging our pain. But naming our losses matters. And healing happens when we learn to reparent ourselves - offering our inner children the protection, validation, and love they didn't receive.

What helps me most is building community with other Black women, pursuing therapy when needed, and focusing on relationships built on mutual respect rather than just chemistry. I'm learning to create the environment I longed for rather than looking for it elsewhere.

What small act of kindness or protection can you offer your inner child today? Remember - we can become the parents we wished we had, not just for our children, but for ourselves. Share your thoughts in the comments, and don't forget to subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

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"Why didn't she just leave?" It's a question that reveals how profoundly we misunderstand the dynamics of abuse. Drawing from personal experience as both a childhood sexual abuse survivor and domestic violence survivor, I'm pulling back the curtain on why this question hurts victims and protects abusers.

The truth is that leaving an abusive relationship isn't simply a matter of walking out the door. Trauma bonding creates powerful psychological attachments that feel impossible to break. Statistics show the most dangerous time for any abuse victim is when they attempt to leave, with significantly increased risk of severe violence or homicide. When an abuser controls your finances, your career, and has isolated you from support systems, the question becomes not "Why didn't you leave?" but "Where would you go? How would you survive?"

Many victims develop learned helplessness after repeated failed attempts to change their circumstances. After experiencing the consequences of resistance – like we've seen in viral videos of abusers violently attacking partners who tried to leave – victims learn that compliance feels safer than escape. This isn't weakness; it's a survival strategy.

What's truly devastating is how victim-blaming perpetuates cycles of abuse by reinforcing the abuser's narrative. When we question victims rather than perpetrators, we validate the messaging they've heard from their abuser: that no one will believe them, that they provoked the abuse, that they somehow deserved what happened.

If someone trusts you enough to share their experience of abuse, please don't ask why they stayed. Ask what support they need now. Remember that your empathy could be the lifeline that helps them find their way to safety and healing.

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The journey to inner peace often begins in unexpected ways. For me, it started with a desperate search for financial independence while trapped in an abusive marriage. In 2018, I turned to meditation not for spiritual enlightenment but because successful people in an MLM claimed it helped them make money. What began as a practical pursuit transformed into the cornerstone of my healing journey.

That first 45-minute guided meditation sent me into the deepest, most cathartic sleep I'd ever experienced—so profound that concerned colleagues and my then-husband couldn't reach me for hours. My traumatized body had finally found permission to truly rest. This moment marked the beginning of a practice that would eventually guide me through leaving my abuser, navigating single motherhood, and managing increasingly complex mental health challenges.

From falling asleep during every attempt to gradually building my practice minute by minute, my relationship with meditation evolved alongside my understanding of myself. Walking meditations during work breaks became sacred moments of reprieve from anxiety. Silent morning sessions on my patio became conversations with my inner child and shadow self. This practice—now spanning nearly nine years and hundreds of logged hours—became especially crucial when perimenopause amplified my depression, anxiety, and ADHD symptoms to debilitating levels.

As Black women, we inherit expectations of unwavering strength that can make the vulnerability of stillness feel counterintuitive or even frightening. Yet I've found that teaching my nervous system to calm down, becoming attuned to my body's signals, and creating space for quiet introspection are revolutionary acts of self-care. In my darkest moments of 2023, when poverty and hormonal fluctuations led to serious suicidal ideation, meditation remained my pathway to moments of peace.

Whether you're struggling with trauma, mental health challenges, or simply the overwhelming nature of modern life, I encourage you to begin with just one minute of stillness daily. You deserve peace. You deserve a calm nervous system. You are worthy of creating moments of stillness in your life—and you may be surprised by how profoundly they transform everything else.

📚MY BOOK📚

Grace, Actually: Faith, Love, Loss & Black Womanhood

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Affiliate Links included. I only recommend products & services I use myself & love. Using affiliate links helps me & is no extra cost to you.

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🎶MUSIC🎶

All music & permissions provided by: Epidemic Sound.

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When Tracy Ellis Ross mentioned dating younger men, she faced an immediate wave of criticism and bizarre comparisons to Shannon Sharp – a man facing multiple sexual assault allegations. This glaring double standard perfectly illustrates the misogynoir Black women face when simply discussing their dating preferences.

As a 48-year-old Black woman navigating modern dating, I deeply relate to Tracy's perspective. The reluctance many of us feel toward dating older men isn't arbitrary – it's rooted in consistent experiences with men who remain entrenched in outdated values and toxic masculinity. These older men often expect traditional gender roles while lacking the emotional intelligence that healthy relationships require. Meanwhile, they believe their age and financial stability alone should attract partners, without recognizing that respect, progressive values, and emotional maturity have become the new currency in modern relationships.

Younger generations of men tend to challenge traditional gender norms, support social justice causes, and demonstrate greater emotional awareness. They're more likely to be allies to marginalized communities and understand the importance of mutual respect in relationships. This isn't about physical appearance or shallow preferences – it's about finding partners whose fundamental values align with our own. The stark reality is that many men over 50 were socialized in eras where women were expected to be submissive and obedient, creating relationship dynamics that feel stifling and unhealthy to independent women today.

Dating in 2025 presents unique challenges, especially for Black women navigating spaces not designed with us in mind. But there's freedom in recognizing we deserve partners who enhance rather than diminish our lives – regardless of their age. Whatever your dating preferences, the most important thing is staying true to your values and choosing relationships that bring joy, growth, and mutual respect. After all, we're still figuring out this modern dating landscape together, and there's no single right path for everyone.

How do you navigate age differences in your relationships? Do you find generational values impact your dating choices?

📚MY BOOK📚 Grace, Actually: Faith, Love, Loss & Black Womanhood

🔗 https://amzn.to/2I2uqBE

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🖇AFFILIATE INFO🖇Affiliate Links included. I only recommend products & services I use myself & love. Using affiliate links helps me & is no extra cost to you.

🎗SUPPORT🎗 💐Support here: https://www.patreon.com/GraceSandra

🎶MUSIC🎶All music & permissions provided by: Epidemic Sound.🔗 https://www.epidemicsound.com/referral/vm2l9

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That voice inside your head telling you something feels off? It might be your inner child trying to protect you from making painful mistakes. In this deeply personal episode, I share how a seemingly perfect romantic connection triggered a surprising healing journey that saved me from potential heartbreak.

After 20 years of marriage followed by dating in my 40s, I found myself experiencing an electric connection with a younger man. Despite our incredible chemistry, aligned worldviews, and mutual respect, my body kept sending intense anxiety signals whenever we weren't together. During one sleepless night beside him, my inner child spoke with startling clarity: "I feel like you're going to hurt me. I feel like you're going to abandon me."

What unfolded was an unexpectedly perfect example of how inner child healing work can protect us when we listen to those internal warnings. Though brief, this dating experience revealed how childhood abandonment wounds still influenced my adult relationships - and how acknowledging them allowed me to make choices aligned with my true needs rather than temporary desires.

The beauty in this story isn't just about avoiding heartbreak. It reveals how far I've come in my healing journey, having moved from someone who once told her inner child to "shut up" before making life-altering mistakes, to someone who can hear, honor, and protect that vulnerable part of myself. For Black women especially, this inner child work creates sacred space for self-compassion in a world that often denies us gentleness.

Whether you're dating, healing from past trauma, or simply trying to understand why certain situations trigger intense emotions, this episode offers practical journal prompts and visualization techniques to help you connect with your inner child. Because sometimes the wisest guide for your future is the part of you that still remembers what it felt like to be small and unprotected.

📚MY BOOK📚

Grace, Actually: Faith, Love, Loss & Black Womanhood

🔗 https://amzn.to/2I2uqBE

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🔗 https://outheretrynasurvive.com

⚡️CONNECT WITH ME ON SOCIAL⚡️

📲INSTAGRAM -https://www.instagram.com/grace_sandra_

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📲TWITTER - https://mobile.twitter.com/Grace_Sandra_

🖇AFFILIATE INFO🖇

Affiliate Links included. I only recommend products & services I use myself & love. Using affiliate links helps me & is no extra cost to you.

🎗SUPPORT🎗

💐Support here: https://www.patreon.com/GraceSandra

🎶MUSIC🎶

All music & permissions provided by: Epidemic Sound.

🔗 https://www.epidemicsound.com/referral/vm2l9

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What happens when you walk the opposite path of the "influencer to evangelical pipeline"? As someone who spent 16 years as a minister with a nearly-completed Master's of Divinity, my journey away from evangelicalism toward a more liberated spirituality offers a powerful counternarrative to what we often see in today's culture.

The evangelical world I inhabited taught me I was fundamentally flawed—a "worm" in need of constant redemption. This theology created an environment where shame, guilt, and hopelessness flourished despite my genuine love for God. I felt trapped in a system where my happiness depended entirely on divine whim rather than my own agency or choices. The breaking point came when I realized I couldn't sustain the weight of perpetual inadequacy, especially within a troubled marriage and restrictive ministry.

My spiritual evolution didn't mean abandoning faith—rather, it meant expanding it. I discovered that principles of manifestation and the law of attraction could coexist beautifully with my Christian beliefs. God created natural laws like gravity; why not also laws governing how our thoughts shape reality? This revelation transformed how I approach gratitude, sexuality, and hope itself. Instead of deferring joy to some heavenly future, I began experiencing divine love and abundance in the present moment.

The contrast between my former and current spiritual understanding is perhaps most evident in my relationship with my body and sexuality. Evangelical purity culture created unbearable shame around natural desires, while my current understanding celebrates sexuality as a divine gift meant for pleasure and connection within contexts of safety and consent. This liberation hasn't made me "apostate" as some might claim—it's brought me closer to the God who created pleasure itself.

For anyone navigating their own spiritual deconstruction or questioning rigid religious frameworks, know that curiosity is sacred.

Ready to explore more? Follow my Substack "Out Here Thriving" where I continue unpacking these themes, and check out my book "Grace Actually: Memoirs of Love, Faith, Loss, and Black Womanhood."

📚MY BOOK📚

Grace, Actually: Faith, Love, Loss & Black Womanhood

🔗 https://amzn.to/2I2uqBE

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Affiliate Links included. I only recommend products & services I use myself & love. Using affiliate links helps me & is no extra cost to you.

💐Support here: https://www.patreon.com/GraceSandra

All music & permissions provided by: Epidemic Sound.

🔗 https://www.epidemicsound.com/referral/vm2l9

Support the show