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"Why didn't she just leave?" It's a question that reveals how profoundly we misunderstand the dynamics of abuse. Drawing from personal experience as both a childhood sexual abuse survivor and domestic violence survivor, I'm pulling back the curtain on why this question hurts victims and protects abusers.

The truth is that leaving an abusive relationship isn't simply a matter of walking out the door. Trauma bonding creates powerful psychological attachments that feel impossible to break. Statistics show the most dangerous time for any abuse victim is when they attempt to leave, with significantly increased risk of severe violence or homicide. When an abuser controls your finances, your career, and has isolated you from support systems, the question becomes not "Why didn't you leave?" but "Where would you go? How would you survive?"

Many victims develop learned helplessness after repeated failed attempts to change their circumstances. After experiencing the consequences of resistance – like we've seen in viral videos of abusers violently attacking partners who tried to leave – victims learn that compliance feels safer than escape. This isn't weakness; it's a survival strategy.

What's truly devastating is how victim-blaming perpetuates cycles of abuse by reinforcing the abuser's narrative. When we question victims rather than perpetrators, we validate the messaging they've heard from their abuser: that no one will believe them, that they provoked the abuse, that they somehow deserved what happened.

If someone trusts you enough to share their experience of abuse, please don't ask why they stayed. Ask what support they need now. Remember that your empathy could be the lifeline that helps them find their way to safety and healing.

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