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#103. When a close family member dies, like a parent, it's easy to assume there was love there, but what if you're not sure if you loved that person, or even if they loved you, what does grief look like then?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.

Loss #51 of 101: Loss of a dad ('that I don't know if I loved')

And yes, this means that as we've reached Loss 51 - we're officially over halfway through our 101 loss list! Exciting! Check out all previous episodes online at www.thesilentwhy.com/101losses or see our last episode where we reflected on the previous ten stories of loss and grief. But there are also many more to go, so back to today's guest...

In this episode you'll meet Thea Rickard, from Bristol in England. Thea's in her twenties and lost her dad, Jonathan Rickard, when he was in his sixties in 2018. About a year ago she produced a short audio documentary called Our Dad (link below) which Chris listened to and then shared with me, because something she said caught his attention: 'Grieving for somebody, or the idea of somebody, who you’re not sure if you loved, is the hardest thing I’ve ever encountered.' Keen to explore what it's like to grieve someone you don't know if you loved, especially a parent, we invited her to talk about it with us on the podcast.

As Thea has reflected on her dad’s life, his relationship with alcohol, his dream to be an actor, the terrifying and the tender moments she's seen in him, she's had to explore what it's like to grieve for a man she wasn't sure if she loved, or even if he loved her. Like she said in her documentary: ‘It would be easier if he was “the villain” of the piece, but he’s not the antagonist in a story, he’s a human being.’

There is so much wisdom and empathy in this chat, well beyond Thea's years, so we know you’re going to appreciate this very honest conversation.

To listen to Thea's 15 minute audio project, 'Our Dad', where she talks about her father with her siblings, visit: https://soundcloud.com/thearickard/ourdad

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