This is part one of the three part series with Molly and Alastair. These parents have 2 children who are very different. Elizabeth is 8 years old and is an easy going kid. Katherine is a high energy 4 year old with intense emotions and more challenging behaviors. While the parents originally reached out to Leslie for help with their youngest, this episode ended up focusing a little more on their eldest. How exactly can a parent make sure they’re still there for a child when they don’t need literal support? Turns out children may not need the same level of support but they do need the same level of connection. Leslie also discusses sibling dynamics, the myth of the “oldest sibling,” mom guilt, and more.

Time Stamps

• 8:30 Birth order traits - the oldest daughter who feels responsible for the younger sibling
• 8:44 Pet peeve when parents say “YOU are the big sister” Or “you should act like the big sister”
• Tuning into our children - leads to strong attachments
• Observing our children help children feel like their parents see them and understand them
• 12:55 Name the dilemmas - you want to take care of your sister AND you want to play with your own friends
• 15:11 Metaphor of needing to go shopping, but prioritizing which store you can make it to today vs next shopping trip (drugstore, shoe store and grocery store)
• 15:48 There is a difference between what’s important to you and what’s the priority of the moment
• 22:07 She may not need the same level of support, but she does need the same level of connection.
• 25:22 The child coming from a secure, safe and validating environment is more prepared to cope with life challenges
• 28:10 Mom’s narrative - I was the capable one
• 29:00 How to reassure and support Elizabeth (the “easy” child)
• Create a tool box:
  • 29:33 Notice and name her behavior
  • 29:47 Get rid of narrative of “you are the older sister or the big sister”
  • 30:45 Validate the hard parts
  • 35:00 If I had a magic wand
• 31:36 What happens when the parent grew up with a sibling with disabilities
• 33:36 Save the stories of your childhood when its not in the moment of emotional upset
• 36:01 The metaphor of instruments in an orchestra - treating each musical instrument differently
• 38:21 Whose problem is it?
• 39:24 Myth - it's not ok for others to be upset with me. (mom still struggles with this)

Resources:

• Newsletter on myths that may be guiding your parenting that you may want to question, titled " Have you Outgrown your Childhood Beliefs?
• Video: Dilemma Metaphor on how to deal with conflicting needs or wants
• Video: Orchestra Metaphor on how need to treat each instrument differently and with respect

Leslie-ism: Remember to use “if I had a magic wand”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,