Here’s the scenario: Your 8 year old child just got a formal diagnosis of ADHD in addition to the dyslexia diagnosis. Your 12 year old son is also neurodivergent whose behaviors include humming, interrupting and fidgeting. How does a family learn to get along with all of these differences which create tension in both the children and the parents. In this third and final session with Krystal and Burt, Leslie works directly with the parenting differences…Krystal expresses her concerns about Margot's future, while Burt remains optimistic. The skills focus on mindfulness, validation and communication in order to “get along”, and learn to live together.

Time Stamps

3:35 The benefits of giving a child with ADHD the “job” of time management

5:00 Medication Trial for ADHD - pros and cons

8:59 The worrisome questions of someone with ADHD

15:10 When avoiding problems, you might be making your problem worse

15:45 Asking for what you need when you know you want to be heard.

17:25 Learning to speak each other’s language

18:55 Making sure your child understands their diagnosis

19:45 When someone is not understood and seen for who they are, they may misbehave- example of being left handed and being singled out.

20:22 If you figure out your different and different equals bad, then you call yourself “bad”

21:30 Explaining brains when you're trying to explain a diagnosis to a child

• Discussing neurodivergence with affirmative language

25:48 When parents have opposite perspectives.

• Be who you are and take a giant step towards the other person
• You can still be positive and validate your child’s concerns

27:39 When you validate someone’s worries - the worries may actually decrease

30:41 Role Play example of validation when someone uses BUT instead of AND

32:50 When the environment (school, home) may or may not support the neurodivergent person

34:36 Description of neurodivergent differences in the family including ADHD and Autism

38:00 Description of Stimming Behaviors

40:10 Family meetings can create a positive circular loop in which understanding leads to connection, and connection leads to greater understanding.

• Family meeting can name the tension between neurodivergent types
• Family meeting can engage the kids in the process of problem solving
• Understanding leads to empathy, consideration and tolerance

43:25 Description of misophonia and mindfulness skills to treat it

Leslie-ism: To reduce conflict start with communication and end up with connection

Resources:

• Resources on Neurodivergence Neurodivergentinsights.com
• Dr, Liz Angoff”s website Explaining Brains - full of resources
• Dr. Liz Angoff’s website

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music<

Kids fighting in the car is a common occurrence and is often a headache for most parents. This is a mini-bonus episode where Leslie and her producer Alletta Cooper discuss a number of strategies to help kids sit with discomfort, learn to deal with boredom and maybe along the way have some time to daydream - a way to exercise a valuable part of the brain. Screens and phones are not on the Do-Not-Use list but rather are understood for ways in which they too can be helpful.

Time Stamps

2:15 The arrangement strategy - rearranging the kids

3:12 Acknowledge that screens are not good or bad

• For the short term it works - kids are quiet
• Can you modulate the length of time that kids are on screens

4:10 What’s missing when your kids are on screens

• Learning to tolerate discomfort, differences and boredom
• Missing the opportunity for daydreaming
• 6:10 The creativity, the connection and the inventiveness of making up games

6:49 Kids in the car are a captive audience and often use that time to talk

7:42 Pulling Over Strategy - a non-threatening strategy

10:25 Kids can learn that they have a lot of power when it comes to the fighting with sibling

11:35 The Ticket System Strategy - this system teaches children its safe to make mistakes

13:50 Consequences not punishment - non judgmentally

14:40 Payback System Strategy - based on the concept of community service

16:30 Books on tape, family reading - again as a captive audience

17:25 Plan Ahead Strategy

17:45 Mindfulness Skills of Observation - paying attention to what is around (DBT skills)

18:28 Check in with yourself and ask “am I capable of tolerating this now?”

Leslie-ism: Give your children the gift of daydreaming time

Resources:

Is My Child A Monster? Episode 14 Skills Focus on Apologies with Special Guest Dale Rubury - Leslie Discusses the Payback Concept

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

When kids get their own phone there’s a big adjustment for everyone. And it doesn’t always go smoothly. This is my second session with Krystal and Burt where we find out how they are doing and if they did their homework to find small ways to connect. This session focuses on 12 year old Mat who gets in trouble with his phone and what parents can do when that happens. We also focus on 8 year old Margo who advocates for her own needs which is in sharp contrast to Mat’s people pleasing tendencies. The skills in this episode focus on communication, connection, consequences that are meant to be effective, seeing the positive intention and learning to surf the urge.

Time Stamps

4:35 Never underestimate how a small change can have a large impact - small check-ins makes a difference to the relationship

5:10 Kids possibly pick up on the marital tension

6:16 When a people pleaser tunes in to their parents’ well being

8:00 We often feel emotional when we feel like we have been seen and understood

8:30 The spiral of disconnection - resentment, frustration,etc

10:10 Getting a phone, losing the phone and the consequences

12:25 How to make a consequence work effectively: time matters

14:00 Use the phone and misbehavior as a learning experience

• Teach about the way the phone games/apps are designed to keep you on it
• Have open communication to discuss his relationship with the phone
• Use a cell phone contract

19:30 Pros and cons DBT skill has 4 boxes instead of two (see resources below)

21:00 Discussion of being a “people pleaser”

22:25 Its ok for kids to make safe mistakes at home

24:10 Use “Surfing the Urge” Mindfulness Skill to deal with impulses

27:30 Giving a child a sense of control through “giving her personal power”

29:35 Talk about family meetings

30:30 See the positive intention when a child has challenging behavior - Validate the valid

32:40 How to communicate with a child who says what feels like “rude” comments

• “This is not working for me”
• Role play other versions
• Choose timing that might work better than in the moment

The two kids can learn from each other - one is very considerate of others and the other has a strong sense of self and focus on herself

Leslie-ism: When you think there's a teachable moment, pause and see what you can all learn in that moment.

Resources:

Cell Phone Contract

Handout on Pros and Cons Skill from Dialectic Behavior Therapy

Video explaining how to Use Pros and Cons Skill from DBT

Leslie’s Blog on People Pleasing - coming soon

Handout on the DBT Skill “Surfing the Urge“ by Therapist Aid

Handout on Positive intention - coming soon

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and