Send us a text here!

In this week's tour of the world's Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons:

1. Chairman Dan defends Beijing trip - “It’s in the national interest! Of China"
2. Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene tries flattery to get Files released - "Every American wants to read your biography, Mr President"
3. Trump scotches rumours - "I'm only dead on the inside"
4. And in sport Henry magically halves winnings at Morning Star Hotel!

Plus so much more of the week's hellscape:

• Ex NSW Premier Bob Carr defends own China visit - "It's not like I'm marching for Palestine next to some Hezbollah c*nt! (that's next week)"
• Azerbaijan/Armenia deny cheating with China - "Full 'Girlfriend Experience' is cash upfront. Til then we got d**tators to suck!"
• Kim Jong-Un renames rogue state 'North By Northwest Korea' - "'Psycho' was too on the nose"
• Iran protests China trip - "Not even one synagogue to firebomb"
• Usha Vance dream Inauguration Day if hubby ever steps up - "Open top drive through Dallas then show at Ford Theater"
• Trump clarifies claim garbage bags out White House window were AI - "AI's the one where we destroy evidence I'm a huge paedo, right?"
• Rudy Giuliani on Presidential Medal of Freedom - "I'm assured this doesn't foreclose Presidential Medal for Most Handjobs in a Roadside Motel"
• RFK Jr on antidepressant/school shooting link - "Nothing in my own life experience says guns are America's real problem"
• Democratic Republic of Congo / Republic of Congo peacetalks fail over which Pres plays Running Bear, Little White Dove in closing talent show - "I hoped music would calm this raging river" says UN's Johnny Preston
• Billy Joel dismisses 'Piano Man' gay bar origin story - "'Uptown Girls' was just a nice place to meet a Stranger if you were in a New York State of Mind"
• Bluey hot dad dog scandal deepens as leaked Files suggest Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell recruited kid dog Bingo from private pound at Mar a Lago
• Hulk Hogan on Instant Experts voicemail - "Whole thing sounds fake and predetermined to me, brother"
• Honk on Henry tipping comp fail: “Obviously the Collingwood C*ckpiercings were gonna beat the Adelaide Body Barrels! Next time call an expert!”

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk and Henry Lee. (Dan Andrews delayed by snap lockdown. "Just 6 more years, Melb")

Saying hi? Email: gday@instantexperts.com.au

Or Leave Us a Voicemail to play on the show right from our home page: www.instantexperts.com.au

Complaints: nothingtoseehere@oldrapos.whitehouse.gov

Produced, mixed, compiled, edited by Junior

Additional editing by Dyson Hairdryer that set fire to Honk laptop

Digital design & Social media by Guantanamo Babe (unless on Venezuela speedboat, arrival time still TBA)

Instant Experts Live in North South West East Northamptonshire onsale soon!

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In this week's tour of the world's Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons:

1. Taylor & Travis: So Happy! - Every other longtime BF on earth: so f*cked!
2. Aussie PM boots Iran Ambassador over local terror attacks - 'I knew he was trouble when he walked in!'
3. Anti-Hero Vice Prostate BJ Vance tells Ukraine, Crimea - 'You are never ever getting back together!'
4. Plus, a Cruel Summer for Wests Tigers fans as team bombs finals chances again - 'We remember this all too well!'

And so much more of the week's psychosis (are you ready for it?):

• Texas Republican Gov Greg Abbott unconcerned new gerrymander creates 10 Dem House Seats - 'I'll drown those voters too!'
• Texas Attorney-General Ken Paxton not hurt by new Sen John Cornyn Attack Ad - 'It's no King Size Bitch Fist with add-on barbed wire nozzle (sadly)'
• Travis pre-nup request has Taylor in tears - 'OMG, it's so cute!'
• Champagne Problems as Henry struggles to pronounce ‘Rheims’ and Agent Tracy corrects him in her third language
• Trump fires US Federal Reserve Governor on grounds her mortgage fraud not big enough - 'Next time try Trumpcoin, Shaniqua!'
• US Center for Disease Control Head fired by RFK Jr forgives his anti-vaxx stance - 'God bless him, there's still no cure for being a c*nt!’
• Travis/Tay Tay bliss reminds Ghislaine Maxwell of Epstein’s failure to propose - 'Is that all I am to you, Jeffrey? Just a serial child co-rapist?'
• ANZ Bank forgets to tell staff they’re fired - customers Forgets That ANZ Existed!
• Aussie mining legend Gerry Mooney wishes Taylor & Travis 'all the f**ken happiness them c*nts deserve an' I'm not talkin' bullsh*t but f**ken reality!'
• Aus football codes explained! - Rugby League: 15 years, no parole; AFL: 1 year ban, team transfer; Rugby Union: no charge, bang/film drunk girl to celebrate

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news explained by idiots - The Honk, Henry Lee and, in a shock debut, Inner West Mooj! - 'Ahhh, Henry…check your Alligator F*ckhouse!'

Saying hi? Email: gday@instantexperts.com.au

Or Leave Us a Voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: www.instantexperts.com.au

All complaints to: iranianambassador@antarctica.gov.aq

Produce, mix, compile, edit: Junior (Curly Lewis guys burned down wrong studio)

Additional editing by: Social media expert needed URGENTLY to scrub photos of me at ‘Honkys for Palestine’ march next to Iran agent with Hezbollah poster HELP!!!

Digital design/social media: Guantanamo Babe, unless she's been sent to Uganda

“Townsville” Henry Lee is dressed by the STASI, Confederacy of United States and Tulsi Gabbard, and only drinks champagne from REAAAAHHHHMMMMSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!, France (or Cairrrnnss, FNQ)

Catch The Honk as 'Laurie Nicholls the Mystery Cat' in Sondheim’s last musical “Assassins at Leichhardt” (as always, it ends badly)

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In this week’s tour of the world’s Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons:

1. Trump leaves Alaska empty-handed - ARE HIS HANDS JUST TOO TINY?
2. Ghislaine Maxwell on Epstein: “There's nothing to see here” - AND WHO COULD DOUBT A SEX TRAFFICKER?
3. California Gov. Gavin Newsom Trumps Trump in Trumpanese - ALL HIS TROLLING IN UPPERCASE & EXCLAMATION MARKS IS SO UN-PRESIDENTIAL!!!
4. Plus, once in our lifetime, Wests Tigers CANNOT WIN THE WOODEN SPOON!

And so much more of the week that dragged us back from hiatus:

• Putin, Donald, Jeffrey, Jizzlane - all honoured in our first Welcome to C*ntry!
• Zelenskyy's Oval Office Thank You Gift - coming via one way drone!
• Journo Michael Wolff's Epstein/Trump Polaroids - even The Honk threw up!
• Texas Gov. Greg Abbott helps Republicans steal Congress - 'negligent homicide of little girls on summer camp is so last season!'
• Aussie Reserve Bank's massive sudden rate cut - 'you have any idea how much we owe these f*cking reno builders?!'
• Tasmanian ex-Labor leader moves huge motion in Parliament - 'do *not* eat at that new Indian place!'
• Morning Star Hotel AFL Tipping Comp leader Craig Treloar - moustachioed blonde 6'10"er suspiciously hard to reach since death of Hulk Hogan
• Mining great Gerry Noonan on Instant Experts - 'Henry Lee's alright but that Honk's a straight-up f*ckknuckle!'
• 80s hair metal greats Warrant - 'please stop asking us to sign your cherry pie, we're here to enjoy the Tiges, hopefully sell some battered savs, alright?'

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news explained by idiots - The Honk and Henry Lee (Aussie Treasurer Jim Chalmers radically underbudgeted cost of Uber)

Saying hi? Email: gday@instantexperts.com.au

Or Leave Us a Voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: www.instantexperts.com.au

Just like Trin did! THANKS TRIN!

All complaints to: dean@winterofourdiscontent.tas.gov.au

Produced, mixed, compiled and edited by Junior

Additional editing by guy counting ballots, certain Texas House seats, 2026 (Scooter ain't speak no Spanish, neither no jive, you read that pardner?)

Digital design & social media by Guantanamo Babe

The Honk prefers Maison Whitesnake Champagne (to own urine).

Henry Lee's appearance at the Mead Tent, Leichhardt Oval, arranged exclusively by Benedict Arnold, Head of PR, North Queensland Cowboys.

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"Hiatuses are for P*ssies!", said our great current President (not really, he only uses words he invented, like 'equalise' and 'grocery').

Still, like a woketard Smithsonian exhibit showing slavery actually happened, our hiatus this weekend is cancelled on account of the sheer number of Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons invading our inboxes from all over the world.

Join hosts Henry Lee & The Honk in this special mini-ep as they run down all the 'expertise'*^ to look forward to in the full new ep out this Sunday am (Aussie Eastern Standard Time).

From Russia/Ukraine, The Epstein Files and California Gov. Gavin Newsom taking a dump in Trump's eyeball, to the biggest story of 'em all - the somehow continuing saga of Tasmania's State Election (aka Australia's Alaska). And so much more!

PLUS EXCLUSIVE TO THIS MINI: a US Homeland Security boss Kristi Noem update! (She's still got the job, sorry).

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots.

Saying hi? Email: gday@instantexperts.com.au

Or Leave Us a Voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: www.instantexperts.com.au

All complaints to: senatortedcruz@mykonos.gr

Produced, mixed, compiled and edited by Junior

Additional editing by Elmer, Imperial Wizard, Texas Redistricting Office, Amarillo

Digital design & social media by Guantanamo Babe

Henry Lee appears courtesy-free when it comes to The Honk's ski holiday needs

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In this week’s tour of the world’s Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons:

1. Don and Vlad anchor down in Anchorage - and a Peace Prize, BJ and TACO are on the menu!
2. JD Vance Ushas more water into Ohio River - while Erik the Viking pines in Nagorno-Karabakh, Azerbaijan!
3. It's Marjorie Taylor Greene v Laura Loomer for the Women's Borderline Personality Disorder Title - proudly sponsored by Arby's Beef Sandwiches*! (*Inner West Karen offended by the hegemony at a taxonomical level)
4. Plus, Diego the Venezuelan Gang Parrot returns to find his soulmate - in Blackpool! Will they be reunited after Porridge?

And so much more of this week's total f*cking mayhem:

• Aussie PM Anthony Albanese recognises Hamas! - Iran Air First Class upgrades a total coincidence
• Hamas recognises Aussie PM Anthony Albanese! - also where he lives
• Trouble Sleeping? - Henry's Short* History of Armenia is here! (*86 mins)
• Trouble Slipping Into Coma? - try Henry's Shorter* History of Alaska! (*46 hrs)
• UK Foreign Minister David Lammy reveals Henry VIII's shock successor! - Henry VII: 'Thou Art a F*ck-Knuckle, My Liege'
• Cotswolds village Stow-on-the-Wold decrees Vance a C*nt-on-the-Wheels
• Gloria Gaynor declines Trump Kennedy Center Honour! - 'I Will Survive'
• George Strait declines too! - 'Not 'til Marvin Gaye gets one'
• Kennedy Center Scandal: Don't judge us on one paedo song, begs KISS' Gene Simmons - 'We have heaps!'

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news explained by idiots - The Honk* and Henry Lee^ (Donald Trump suddenly taken ill after 'Howdy Putin!' tea ceremony)

Saying hi? Email: gday@instantexperts.com.au

Or Leave Us a Voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: www.instantexperts.com.au

All complaints to: thanksalbo@hamas.ps

Produced, mixed, compiled and edited by Junior

Additional editing by guy in charge of security footage, back room, Cross-Fit Gym, Washington D.C.* (*on secondment during trauma leave)

Digital design & social media by Guantanamo Babe

^Henry last checked privilege 1972, but comparative analysis shows it lies somewhere between Cotswolds and Newtown West.

*Honk a fighter for truth, justice, role of agriculture as potent engine for inclusive sustainable development. He is currently pursuing a PhD in 'The History of the Gazpacho' at Lady Grey College, Juneau (campus formerly in Sitka).

Don't miss 'Epstein Files' Bluegrass Band - on tour in South Sudan til further notice!

You 'eard an exo'ic bird sayin' anyfink suspicious lately like? Be a loov and drop oos a line would ye? Fanx ever sa mooch - Lancashire Police, Oswaldtwistle

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In this week’s tour of the world’s Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons:

1. Trump sh*ts pants then sh**ts messenger after dud US Jobs Report - Even BJ Vance's b-jobs are going down!
2. Danish zoo shocks world by feeding pets to its carnivores - The Asiatic Lion loves eating dog, The European Lynx loves eating pussy!
3. Aussie state of Tasmania on a knife's edge after 12th election this week. Who will be Premier? Who'll win the meat tray? Will Harold be right for the Zumba Grand Final? Inner West Karen reports!
4. Plus, Ahmed Ouf reports ...Inner West Karen to Cumberland Council, Federal Police, NSW Mental Health Unit

And so much more of the week's madness:

• Highly qualified diplomatic genius Steve Witkoff - sells real estate, negotiates with Putin, touches toes all at the same time!
• Ghislaine Maxwell - plays prison golf with Trumpy and shoots 69!
• Also Ghislaine - buddies up to new jailmate Theranos fraud Elizabeth Holmes!
• Theranos fraud Elizabeth Holmes - suddenly bans own daughter from visiting!
• Henry Lee fave The Dreggs - touring Luther, Oklahoma; Turks and Caicos; and Sucre! (standby for Quito, Cape Town, Pretoria, Bloemfontein dates!)
• Elon's Mum Maye Musk - can't believe she's lost her impala in the car park!
• Sydney Sweeney! - registers Republican, then for witness protection after Trump asks her out
• Australian Government to make all MPs fly short-haul domestic in economy! - as long as seat goes flat, plane goes via Heathrow
• Aussie Prime Minister Anthony Albanese - exhaustion concerns after 7 hour trip to New Zealand, two actual decisions, all in same three-year term!
• Japanese Kabuki band murders Oasis' Wonderwall - still sound better than Liam?

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk* and Henry Lee^. Tassie Premier Jeremy Rockliff late cancel after shock leadership challenge by Sharon (avail Mon, Wed, Thurs mornings, Friday WFH so don't even)

Saying hi? Email: gday@instantexperts.com.au

Or Leave Us a Voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: www.instantexperts.com.au

All complaints to: anyoneseenmybeagle@aalborgzoo.dk

Produced, mixed, compiled and edited by Junior

Additional editing by guy in charge of US prison transfers last week (all paperwork lost; also congrats on new mansion!)

Digital design & social media by Guantanamo Babe

^Apologises worse than The Fonz

*Immortal after killing his doctor, unless found by a re-animated Rodgers & Hammerstein in which case dead meat.

Dr Erika McEntarfer's tell-all memoir "My Name Isn't Funny You C*nts!!" out in time for Christmas!

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In this week's tour of the world's Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons:

1. Hulk Hogan is dead. But don’t count him out just yet!
2. Jeffrey Epstein is dead. But like The Hulkster he’s coming back! And Trump's going down like The Iron Sheik, Andre the Giant & Macho Man Randy Savage!
3. Sydney Sweeney comes off the top rope in her great jeans! But so does Inner West Karen - and no-one's ever kicked out of her Being Offended!

And so much more total f*cking lunacy!:

• Gaza - Both sides complete a**sholes (and that's just the online comments)!
• Gwyneth Paltrow - Even she may not be able to spin Trump's PR disaster!
• Trumpy's Scotland Tour offers all the hits - along with Oasis covers, his tribute to Sean Connery and an incredible bagpipe solo from new caddy McOddjob!
• London's Bishop of Fulham - Also loves to blow a big thick bagpipe, especially to ABBA's 'Dancing Queen'!
• Henry's moving history of Hutt River Province - from the reign of Prince Leonard (1970-2017) to the reign of Prince Graeme (couple weeks after that)!
• Triple J Hottest Aussie 100 Scandal - Dope Lemon, Bear McCreary and The Honk's 'Highlights from Sondheim's 'Assassins'' all miss out!
• Werner Von Braun a Nazi C*nt - But in American Eagle jeans his butt is fire!

In the podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk & Henry Lee (Ratcat were apologies with Wests Tigers Virus. British & Irish Lions busy pulling off a miraculous AFL comeback vs Melbourne (at least that’s what Tom Lehrer said))

Saying hi? Email: gday@instantexperts.com.au

Or Leave Us a Voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: www.instantexperts.com.au

All complaints to culturalsensitivityconcerns@ahshaddapyouface.wogs

Produced, mixed, compiled and edited by Junior

Additional Editing by whichever pr*ck won't let us boost our random sh*t on TikTok

Digital design & social media by Guantanamo Babe

Henry, Honk now *both* available to sing at your next funeral!

'Telstra On Hold music' courtesy of Israeli Army Hamas Torture Unit

SPECIAL HULK HOGAN TRIBUTE EPISODE with special guest out during this week!

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In this week’s tour of the world’s Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons:

1. Coldplaygate CEO Andy Byron updates Astronomer's HR Policy - 2-Way Office A*al is in!
2. Trump covers up Epstein Files like he covers up his doodles - with his signature
3. "Obama faked Russian interference in 2016 election" says Trump, from Russia, in Russian
4. Plus, Wests Tigers go viral as NRL incompetence becomes contagious!

And so much more crazy sh*t!:

• Donald Trump Jr tweets - it doesn't go well
• Donald Trump Jr speaks - goes even worse
• American Carnage - Presidents McKinley, Garfield dead, Tulsi Gabbard ok!
• Melania's new theatre to stage only musicals about fate-trapped hookers
• Rupert Murdoch turns good guy at 94 in tribute to late great Hulk Hogan*
• Nut Mel Gibson gets guns back from A-G Pam Bondi, shoots her immediately
• Jewish comic legend Jackie Mason hilarious or else you're anti-Semitic

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk and Henry Lee. (Leon Czolgosz accidentally went to Temple of Music pavilion)

Saying hi? Email: gday@instantexperts.com.au

Or Leave Us a Voicemail to play on the show, right from our home page: https://www.instantexperts.com.au

All complaints to masscasualtyevent@grabagun.com

Produced, mixed, compiled and edited by Junior

Additional editing: this ep, certain other files, by Kash Patel, Dan Bongino, Karoline Leavitt, Kristi Noem. Proofreading by Pam. Spellcheque by Linda McMahon

Digital design & social media by Guantanamo Babe

*Look out for our full tribute to Hulk Hogan in next week's episode!

Kristin Cabot available for new corporate opportunities outside HR

The Honk available for new singing opportunities at your wedding or Bar Mitzvah

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