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In this week's tour of the world's Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons:

1. Chairman Dan defends Beijing trip - “It’s in the national interest! Of China"
2. Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene tries flattery to get Files released - "Every American wants to read your biography, Mr President"
3. Trump scotches rumours - "I'm only dead on the inside"
4. And in sport Henry magically halves winnings at Morning Star Hotel!

Plus so much more of the week's hellscape:

• Ex NSW Premier Bob Carr defends own China visit - "It's not like I'm marching for Palestine next to some Hezbollah c*nt! (that's next week)"
• Azerbaijan/Armenia deny cheating with China - "Full 'Girlfriend Experience' is cash upfront. Til then we got d**tators to suck!"
• Kim Jong-Un renames rogue state 'North By Northwest Korea' - "'Psycho' was too on the nose"
• Iran protests China trip - "Not even one synagogue to firebomb"
• Usha Vance dream Inauguration Day if hubby ever steps up - "Open top drive through Dallas then show at Ford Theater"
• Trump clarifies claim garbage bags out White House window were AI - "AI's the one where we destroy evidence I'm a huge paedo, right?"
• Rudy Giuliani on Presidential Medal of Freedom - "I'm assured this doesn't foreclose Presidential Medal for Most Handjobs in a Roadside Motel"
• RFK Jr on antidepressant/school shooting link - "Nothing in my own life experience says guns are America's real problem"
• Democratic Republic of Congo / Republic of Congo peacetalks fail over which Pres plays Running Bear, Little White Dove in closing talent show - "I hoped music would calm this raging river" says UN's Johnny Preston
• Billy Joel dismisses 'Piano Man' gay bar origin story - "'Uptown Girls' was just a nice place to meet a Stranger if you were in a New York State of Mind"
• Bluey hot dad dog scandal deepens as leaked Files suggest Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell recruited kid dog Bingo from private pound at Mar a Lago
• Hulk Hogan on Instant Experts voicemail - "Whole thing sounds fake and predetermined to me, brother"
• Honk on Henry tipping comp fail: “Obviously the Collingwood C*ckpiercings were gonna beat the Adelaide Body Barrels! Next time call an expert!”

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk and Henry Lee. (Dan Andrews delayed by snap lockdown. "Just 6 more years, Melb")

Saying hi? Email: gday@instantexperts.com.au

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Complaints: nothingtoseehere@oldrapos.whitehouse.gov

Produced, mixed, compiled, edited by Junior

Additional editing by Dyson Hairdryer that set fire to Honk laptop

Digital design & Social media by Guantanamo Babe (unless on Venezuela speedboat, arrival time still TBA)

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