Episodes

  • Are You Getting Dragged Under??

    Are You Getting Dragged Under??
    Jul 16 2025
    Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual. As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis. Have you ever tried to save a drowning person? This can be kind of like that. Get too close, and they will drag you under with them. Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision. Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby... and anyone. And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning... even with no water (other than tears). The desperation is there. The flailing is there. And if you aren't careful, you can get pulled under. One person in crisis is enough. Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship. Don't allow yourself to get pulled under. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under. RELATED RESOURCES Your Spouse Is Not The Enemy Conflict In Marriage Control What You Can Save The Marriage System What To Do When You Are Trying Alone
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    26 mins
  • What Makes A Marriage Great?

    What Makes A Marriage Great?
    Jul 9 2025
    What makes a marriage work? What makes a marriage GREAT? Maybe you are trying to save your marriage, and aren't sure if that even matters. Maybe you are trying to aim your marriage in a better direction, and aren't sure what that even looks like. Or maybe you are considering getting married, but aren't sure if you have what it takes. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I'll give you the 5 core ingredients to have a great marriage. I'll tell you what they are, and how to get them. Then, if you have special garnishes and additions, great! Problem is, many people think the extra additions are the core ingredients! And when that doesn't work, they think they just don't have what it takes. Turns out, they were just trying to make a recipe with the wrong ingredients. No wonder it doesn't work out! After over three decades of focusing on relationships and marriage, the five core ingredients stand out, time after time. So, let's make clear what they are, how to get them, and how that makes a difference. RELATED RESOURCES: Save The Marriage System Save The Marriage Toolkit Why Connection Matters Does Communication Matter?
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    24 mins
  • Are You Dragging a Spouse to Therapy??

    Are You Dragging a Spouse to Therapy??
    Jul 2 2025
    The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response: You Don’t! (Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!) Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary. I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail. But why? There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse. I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Therapy Problems Can You Save It Alone? Can Your Marriage Even Be Saved? Book: Beyond the 3 Barriers Program: Save The Marriage System Toolkit: When You Are Working Alone
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    20 mins
  • The Clarity of a Crisis

    The Clarity of a Crisis
    Jun 25 2025
    Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track. Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech. Your spouse wants to separate. You get divorce papers. Or... fill in the blank ____________. It is no longer a theoretical problem. It is a full-blown crisis! And that crisis gets your attention. Your FULL attention. That is Crisis Clarity. Yes, it can be helpful. And it can also be harmful. How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Having a Plan No Contact is Crap Grab the System Grab The Repair Checklist
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    14 mins
  • Proving Your Viewpoint (Is Dangerous!)

    Proving Your Viewpoint (Is Dangerous!)
    Jun 18 2025
    I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.” Funny thing is, they communicate just fine. Then why are they stuck in conflict? Why are they disconnected? Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team? Viewpoints. About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict. And because they have decided to prove their viewpoint to their spouse. That is very dangerous. Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging. There are 2 underlying issues that affect this: being a WE and being connected. How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you? When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception. More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always. How do you solve it? We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES 3 Dimensions of Connection All About Being A WE Role of Conflict Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System Tools for Saving Your Marriage
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    22 mins
  • Wrong Focus: 3 Places People Focus… and Shouldn’t

    Wrong Focus: 3 Places People Focus… and Shouldn’t
    Jun 11 2025
    At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis. Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things. And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things. Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment. That can head you right toward disaster and further discord. And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage. "Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction." Kenichi Ohmae There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst. And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention. Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters 3 Levels of Connection Dealing with Infidelity Save The Marriage System
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    20 mins
  • The NMF Path to Failure

    The NMF Path to Failure
    Jun 4 2025
    The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it. NMF When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings. And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage? NMF I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful. Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is "Not My Fault." Here is the problem with "Not My Fault": It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability). Let's talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up How You Hide Choosing To Work Connection Being A WE Save The Marriage System Save The Marriage Toolkit - Resources
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    24 mins
  • Dangerous Approaches to Saving Your Marriage

    Dangerous Approaches to Saving Your Marriage
    May 28 2025
    Have you done an online search for info on how to save your marriage? Were you overwhelmed with the results?? And the crazy amount of different approaches?? How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it? I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed. And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff. I remember when Google started. That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results. Still a lot. But far more manageable. With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm. Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start. Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing. And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good. There are two that are particularly prevalent. And at best, not helpful. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Reverse Psychology as an Approach No Contact is Crap Why I STILL Believe in Marriage Why I do this Work Therapy Problems Save The Marriage System
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    23 mins