Serenity is directly tied to how I relate to my life as it is, and not as I try to make it. When my expectations don’t match reality, that gap creates frustration and anxiety. For me, serenity comes from accepting what is, even when it’s not how I want it. I don’t lower my expectations for my life, but I do adjust them to consider my chronic pain and disability.

Through sobriety, I’ve learned that expectations can be thought of as premeditated disappointments. Acceptance, on the other hand, helps me to say, “Okay, this is happening today… now what?” That shift allows me to respond instead of resist. I define serenity as a moment when nothing is wrong—not because everything is perfect, but because I’ve stopped arguing with myself.

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Carl Jung, Swiss psychologist, viewed loneliness as being misunderstood. In stroke recovery, I’ve experienced a loneliness that feels like not being fully seen, even when surrounded by people. When others can’t quite hear the effort it takes for me to think through a sentence or find the right words, it creates a subtle disconnection.

We all know that connection is dependent on communication, but I’d not fully considered that loneliness results from others not understanding what we are trying to communicate or can’t say at all. Whether it’s sobriety, chronic illness, or any invisible illness, we heal when we find people like us who truly get it. Seek relationships where you can be honest about your challenges and don’t have to edit your authenicity.

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I have intense internal pressure to do things even when I know it will cost me physically. Inspired by a conversation with my psychiatrist, I used an emotion color wheel to slow down and name what’s underneath that pressure. The emotions, like fear, guilt, sadness, anxiety, and even grief over who I used to be, play a huge role in my daily decisions. It helps to identify those emotions and separate what I feel from reality.

The worst thing that can happen is nothing. The things that matter the most to me, no one else can see. There are no disasters or collapse of society when Rachel crawls into bed to rest. I need to listen to my body instead of the urgency and pressure in my mind. I’m still learning the honest way to live within my limits, care for myself without guilt, and realize that protecting my wellness is the part that no one else can see but me.

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The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins is our Q2 Reads and Recovery book pick. It captures the chaos and distortion of alcoholism so well!

Saying No is a difficult but necessary part of self-care. You know those moments when everything in you is saying no, but we say yes anyway and then pay for it later with fatigue, pain, frustration, or resentment.

Today I talk through what people pleasing really is. When I stopped to think about what I feel when I’m saying yes but want to say No, there is an underlying fear of conflict, disappointing others, and trying to manage how other people feel about me. For those of us living in recovery with a chronic illness or pain with limited energy, people pleasing becomes self-abandonment. Fighting that urge to respond right away and pausing first helps me listen to myself and practice simple, honest boundaries without over-explaining my Why. I help to redefine what saying No means so that we no longer feel selfish. Saying No for the right reasons is respecting our own wellness and protecting our recovery.

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Advice is easier said than done. Things like “listen to your body,” “be patient with yourself,” and “accept where you are” are simple, but living them is something else entirely. In recovery, I navigate chronic pain, fatigue, and the constant negotiation between what I want to do and what my body will allow. And it’s all day long every day that the battle occurs.

I’m writing a book—I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that. Well, it has proved to push me over my pain threshold, and now I have to pull back from devices entirely other than my podcast. My loving husband and I are working on a solution that will allow me to dictate the book, so I can still work on it every day but not have to sleep for hours every afternoon to recover.

So, I do listen to my body, but only when it’s screaming so loud at me that I can’t ignore it anymore. I’ll keep practicing. 😉

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I remember walking past some bushes in detox on the way to the cafeteria, scared a bottle of wine could be hiding there, waiting for me. What scared me was me. I didn’t trust that I could stop myself. I thought my recovery was just physical, and I just needed to control my hand from picking up a drink. But in that short walk, I saw that the problem was more about my mind reaching for the drink instead of my hand. My thoughts were just as out of control as my drinking. I looped through fears, obsession, and imagined scenarios that hadn’t even happened. I spent so much energy trying to control the world outside of me, but the work was learning how to live with a reality that I didn’t choose.

That realization followed me into stroke recovery. I can’t control that my brain broke, as much as I can’t control where alcohol shows up in the world. I can, however control my response: how I show up, speak to myself, and pause vs react. Recovery starts with surrendering the control that I never actually had in the first place, and accepting who I am in this moment. Somewhere between surrender and acceptance, I begin to find peace, by focusing only on what’s within the limit of my fingertips and not beyond.

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Living life on life’s terms in stroke recovery means learning how to live peacefully in a reality I didn’t choose. I still get angry, scared, frustrated, and sad, but I allow those feelings to run their course without dictating my behavior. Since my stroke I abandoned the illusion that I can control my life by just working harder, planning better, and pushing my body further. Neither life nor my body cooperate with that personal expectation.

I can’t control when I hurt, feel dizzy, or struggle to talk. But I can control is how I respond and whether my peace grows or diminishes. Emotional recovery from stroke requires me to pause in my discomfort, acknowledge I don’t feel good, accept instead of resist, and to practice gratitude even when life feels unfair. Pain is not optional for me, but misery is.

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If I could talk to my past self, I would tell her she’s doing the best she can with the tools she has, and she’s not weak, broken, or uniquely over emotional. I would tell her that the anxiety and depression are real, not imagined, and that she doesn’t have to act like she’s ok and as if nothing is wrong. I would tell her that she simply has a human condition. She’s not the only one who feels dark, scared, overwhelmed, or different, and she doesn’t have to hide those feelings or punish herself for having them.

I would tell her that happiness doesn’t just happen to lucky people. We have to participate in it, practice it, and move toward it through small daily choices. I would tell her that trying to control that which is outside of her fingertips will not save her, but acceptance, rest, and connection with others will. And even though life will not unfold the way she expects due to alcoholism, stroke, and unimaginable loss, she will be okay. I will tell her that she will grow into someone braver that she ever imagined being, wiser because of the hard stuff, and strong enough to help other people who feel the same way she does.

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