Charlie

I didn't want Mrs Cyclopolos to explode. I just wanted a paper round....

My name is Charlie Ian Duncan. I will be 12 on 2 February. I have written this history of my war with the grannies because I need everyone to know that I didn't mean for Mrs Cyclopolos to blow up. I just wanted a paper round.

When I say 'my war with the grannies', I really mean the war I waged alongside my best friend, Hils; my second best friend, Rashid; Peter the Iraqi, who isn't afraid of anything (well, apart from one thing); Warren and his magical bike, TwelveSpeed; and those crazy people we met underground.

The grannies started it when I asked them about a paper round, and they sprayed me in the face with rooster brand chili sauce and made me think that I was dead. Hils and I decided to go to war with them, but then I discovered one of the grannies had a glass eye, and I wasn't sure if it was okay to go to war against someone with a glass eye, but then I discovered that the granny with the glass eye could pinch bricks in half and turn her snot-covered hankies into deadly throwing weapons and possessed a truly terrible device called the Gnashing Gnet. It's all true. Especially the bit about me not wanting anyone to blow up.