People often ask whether someone is the right person for them. But we don't spend nearly enough time asking whether that person has the capacity to meet us where we are.

In this episode, we explore why understanding another person's relationship with themselves tells us more about the relationship that's possible than what they say they want. We look at how to recognize emotional capacity, why people can't meet us in places they can't meet themselves, and why accepting where someone actually is can be one of the kindest things we do, for them and for ourselves.

We explore:

• Why the depth of a relationship is shaped by each person's relationship with themselves.
• What it means to assess someone's capacity instead of judging them.
• How to recognize when someone can, or can't, meet you where you are.
• Why emotional intimacy begins with intimacy with yourself.
• The difference between accepting where someone is and trying to change them.
• Why forcing people beyond their capacity creates suffering for both people.
• How self-awareness helps us communicate honestly about what we can and cannot give.
• Why understanding another person's capacity helps us build healthier relationships.
• How compassion and discernment can exist at the same time.

Episode Thoughts to Sit With

"We need to understand where other people are so we can understand what type of dynamic we can have with them, so that we're not beating our own heads up against the wall. So we're not trying to create something that's not creatable."

"It's important to know where you are with that because it is also unkind for somebody else to be looking for depth from you. And if you can't give it, it's unkind for you to act like you can... We have to have the self-awareness to assess where we are, assess what our capabilities are, and be honest."

"It is unkind of us to expect someone to be able to meet us in a place where they can't meet themselves."

"Sometimes in relationships, no one is to blame. People are just where they are."

"It's kinder to say, 'I see where you are. This is where I am. These places just don't align at this time in our lives.' I respect that, and I hope you can respect that too."

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.

To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com.

Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

We use the word care all the time. We say we care about people. We tell people we care. But what does care actually mean?

In this episode, we explore why care is more than a feeling; it's a way of moving and being in relationships. We look at why someone can genuinely feel something for us without actually caring for us, how care is demonstrated through behavior rather than words, and why learning to care for ourselves changes what we're willing to accept from others.

We explore:

• Why care is a verb, not just a feeling.
• The difference between saying you care and behaving in caring ways.
• Why words alone don't create the experience of being cared for.
• How care often requires us to move beyond our own comfort and convenience.
• Why staying present with another person's discomfort is an act of care.
• How self-protection can prevent us from caring well for others.
• Why learning to care for yourself changes what you'll accept in relationships.
• How unmet experiences of care shape the relationships we build.
• Why people should be able to feel your care, not just hear you say it.

Episode Thoughts to Sit With

"Many of us don't actually know what caring is. Many of us don't actually have the experience of being cared for."

"You can be in relationship with people and they cannot feel cared for... Your words alone do not create a sense in my body of being cared for, especially if your words are saying one thing and your behavior is saying another."

"Care is the ability and capacity to remain in relationship when my comfort is extended or when my comfort is challenged."

"Some people will leave you in that by yourself. They will dismiss you, project on you, tell you you're wrong, walk away, laugh at you. And when people do that, that is not caring for you."

"Care translates to behavior. Care translates to holding one in esteem as much as you hold yourself in esteem."

"You have to care for you. To start to require care from others, you have to get used to what care feels like internally."

"People need to be able to feel what we say we feel about them. They need to know it, not because we say it, but because they can feel it."

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.

To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com.

Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

People tend to think that if their intentions were good then that should settle it. But relationships don't happen inside intentions. They happen in the impact we have on each other.

In this episode, we explore why intent and impact aren't competing ideas; they're two sides of the same coin. We look at why good intentions don't always lead to good outcomes, how trauma and survival mode shape what we give and receive, and why repair starts with being willing to hear another person's experience, even when it isn't what we hoped to hear.

We explore:

• Why intent and impact are two sides of the same coin.
• Why good intentions don't automatically create a healthy impact.
• How trauma and survival mode shape the way we interpret other people's actions.
• Why another person's experience deserves to be heard, even when it wasn't our intention.
• How defensiveness gets in the way of repair.
• Why repair is the foundation of healthy relationships, not the absence of conflict.
• The role emotional safety plays in difficult conversations.
• Why both people have work to do when intent and impact don't align.
• What it takes to move forward without dismissing either person's experience.

Episode Thoughts to Sit With

• "Intent and impact are not two opposing things. They're two sides of the same coin."
• "You’ve got to be able to listen to the impact you had on others, even if it doesn't feel good."
• "Everybody wants their experience heard."
• "When we are in a place where we can't even hear each person's truth about the situation…about how something affected us…we never allow the door to open for repair. We shut the door for repair. And that is the beginning of the deterioration of relationships."
• "Even when you heal, it's not that it's not there, it's that it's quieter."
• "We gotta care about the other person's experience as much as we care about our own experience."

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.

To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com.

Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

Communication is one of the first things we point to when a relationship is struggling. But what if communication isn't the place to start?

In this episode, we explore why communication is only as healthy as the people participating in it. We look at how trauma, nervous system activation, internal safety, and our need to be understood shape what happens long before words are ever spoken. We also explore why explaining yourself over and over isn't always a sign that you need to communicate better—it may be a sign that something entirely different is happening.

• Why communication alone can't create healthy relationships.
• How trauma shapes what we hear, not just what is said.
• What happens to our ability to think, process, and communicate when we're activated.
• Why regulation and internal safety are prerequisites to healthy communication.
• The difference between someone misunderstanding you and someone being unwilling to understand you.
• Why over-explaining is often driven by our own unmet needs rather than the other person's confusion.
• How to recognize when a conversation is no longer productive.
• Why learning to "read the room" includes reading the other person's capacity, not just their words.
• The "gnomes" analogy for understanding the invisible conversations happening underneath every conversation.
• Why healing changes the conversations you're able to have, not because you've mastered communication, but because you've changed what you're bringing into it.

Episode Thoughts to Sit With

The following are direct excerpts from this episode.

"We're talking about communication, but there's pre-work we gotta do to get to the thing."

"You have distorted what is happening in the room into what is happening inside your body. And you don't even know it."

"You must come into the space regulated. You must come into the space grounded. You must come into the space safe in your own body."

"They caught what the fuck you was putting down. They just didn't give a damn about it."

"You're creating safety to be safe for you."

"We skip all the pre-work and then wonder why shit blows up within minutes every time."

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.

To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com.

Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

Before we talk about relationships with other people, we have to understand the relationship we're having with ourselves.

In this opening episode, I share the experiences that shaped the perspective behind this podcast and why I believe healing isn't just about understanding trauma...it's about rebuilding the relationship with yourself. We explore self-compassion, self-trust, boundaries, over-functioning, and the role they play in every relationship we'll discuss moving forward.

We explore:

• Why the relationship with yourself is the foundation of every other relationship.
• How trauma shapes the way we engage in relationships long after the original experiences.
• Why healing is a relationship of getting back to yourself.
• The role of self-compassion in changing how we see ourselves and our experiences.
• Why the voice in our head isn't always our own.
• How beliefs are created to help us survive.
• What over-functioning looks like in relationships.
• Why doing "more" isn't always the answer.
• The perspective that will guide every conversation on this podcast.

Episode Thoughts to Sit With

The following are direct excerpts from this episode.

"The primary relationship is with yourself."

"One thing that people really don't talk about around trauma is how it is a relationship of getting back to you..."

"If you're only doing your part and nothing goes forward, that's information."

"Even if the problem is them, it's still your work to determine why are you here? Why are you engaging with it?"

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.

To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com.

Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.

New here? Start here. In this short introduction, I share what The Reality Between Us is about, why I created it and the conversations we'll be having about relationships, self-awareness, conflict, connection, and the hidden dynamics that shape them all.

If you're ready to look a little deeper, start here.