Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall continue their conversation about therapeutic separation, focusing on the impact that separation can have on children at different ages and stages. They explore ways to prove safety and stability for children throughout the process, navigating family events during separation, and why couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation. This conversation provides exceptional insights into a critical step of healing after betrayal that can result in a stronger partnership.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:22] External factors that contribute to the pressure of separation or divorce.

[3:16] Explaining separation to children in healthy and age-appropriate ways.

[7:00] Taking appropriate ownership in the face of external influences and challenges.

[10:09] Providing safety and stability for children despite anger and pain.

[11:22] Navigating family events throughout therapeutic separation.

[13:45] Building trust during the therapeutic separation process.

[16:56] The challenges of therapeutic separation when affairs are involved.

[19:02] Couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Lindsey Stanley

Dr. Stevie Hall

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “Share with children what is in their best health and wellness to know.”
• “You can acknowledge the pain and hurt to your kids, but you don’t necessarily have to share all the things with them.”
• “There needs to be an agreed upon script when disclosing to children.”
• “Privacy and honesty are different things.”

Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall define and discuss therapeutic separation, an intentional process crafted to help bring about safety, stability, and individual and relational insight. They consider the different types of therapeutic separation, the benefits of each approach, and how separation can be the greatest gift that a betraying partner can offer their spouse.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:20] Defining therapeutic separation as a structured and temporary step in recovery.

[3:55] Is active separation headed toward divorce?

[5:25] Different types of separation offer different benefits.

[7:35] Maintaining boundaries while living in roommate mode.

[9:20] Legal separation versus legal divorce.

[11:50] Permanent separation indicates maintaining a marriage that you don’t intend to reconcile.

[13:35] External and internal factors that motivate people to separate or not.

[15:34] Negotiating differing partner desires between reconciliation and divorce.

[17:36] Factors that contribute to a successful therapeutic separation.

[21:20] Sometimes by giving that space, you are helping your relationship heal.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Lindsey Stanley

Dr. Stevie Hall

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “Separation can allow you to disengage emotionally while you seek clarity and healing.”
• “Permanent separation indicates that you are not pursuing reconciliation, but you are also not pursuing divorce.”
• “At times there needs to be an intentional pause on the relationship because the cycle the couple is in is creating so much destruction.”
• “Sometimes by giving that space, you are helping, and you are supporting.”

Dr. Rob and Marriage and Family Therapist and CSAT Arlene Rosen continue their discussion about discernment counseling. They consider how to determine what each person needs throughout the collaborative divorce process, how to protect children and pets throughout the journey, and realistic timelines when addiction is a factor in a relationship. Arlene shares advice, resources, and a message of hope and healing in the collaborative divorce process.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:22] Determining what each person needs throughout the collaborative divorce.

[5:42] Child welfare versus child safety in court order agreements.

[8:10] Timeline possibilities when addiction is at play.

[11:20] Handling chronic lying in a legal setting.

[15:55] A message of hope in the collaborative divorce process.

[18:09] Is there a simple way to know that I should get divorced?

[23:00] Guidelines for an effective separation period.

[29:35] Determining the right next step based on your current stage of life.

[32:32] Navigating divorce in a non-legal partnership.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Arlene Rosen

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “You can make agreements about what will be talked about your addiction in your divorce.”
• “Why do more damage when you’ve decided not to live together anymore?”
• “The collaborative divorce process is simply more respectful.”
• “The collaborative divorce process has the most opportunity for people to get back together.”

Dr. Rob and Marriage and Family Therapist and CSAT Arlene Rosen explore the options available to couples who are on the fence about staying together or separating. They discuss discernment counseling, litigation, and collaborative divorce; and consider the benefits and difficulties associated with each route. Arlene is an advocate of restructuring the marriage or divorce through a discernment counseling process, and she shares the value of engaging in discernment counseling to explore whether there is really any breath left in a relationship.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:22] The driver behind Arlene’s work with addiction and divorce.

[4:39] The role and value of a mediator in divorce.

[6:30] Litigation and court process horror stories.

[10:38] Discernment counseling as a preliminary divorce consideration.

[13:10] Restructuring the marriage through a discernment counseling process.

[14:30] Separation is always on the table.

[17:15] Discernment counseling explores whether there is any breath left in a relationship.

[19:53] Collaborative divorce is an excellent alternative to traditional divorce.

[25:49] First steps in getting started with collaborative divorce.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Arlene Rosen

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “Discernment counseling is a protocol for when one person is leaning out of a relationship and the other person is leaning in.”
• “Discernment counseling is not for people who have already made a decision about divorce.”
• “Discernment counseling is an opportunity to determine if you are willing to meet the other person’s needs and to work on this relationship.”

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty consider the role of a therapist as a witness – one that supports with empathy and compassion. They share the questions to ask a therapist before the first session, and how to identify the right trauma therapist that will lead you to recovery and healing. Healing is meant to happen in communities, and together Dr. Rob and O’Flaherty inspire and encourage listeners to connect with those that can be a witness to healing.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:25] The place for empathy and compassion.

[3:25] Finding the right trauma therapist.

[5:10] Questions to ask therapists before the first session.

[8:25] A good therapist is the first medicine in healing.

[11:53] Dr. O’Flaherty’s book Flight with Weighted Wings.

[15:45] Healing happens in community.

[19:29] Connecting with Dr. O’Flaherty.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Johanna O’Flaherty

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “If you have wounded me, it may not be my job initially to have empathy for you.”
• “How do you feel when you sit with a therapist?”
• “The best therapy is not about the work, it’s about the relationship.”
• “Healing happens in community.”

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty explore witnesses – the people who have seen your experiences and are ready to help you move forward. When you begin questioning whether your experience was real, why you acted out the way you did, or what really happened, a witness can offer direction and healing as you move forward, without the demonization and destigmatization that often faces addicts. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences.

TAKEAWAYS:

[3:27] What does recovery mean?

[6:15] Who do you want to take with, and who do you want to leave behind?

[7:55] A witness will help shape your experience.

[10:10] Pain and shame makes more sense with a witness’s perspective.

[12:40] Where are the hospices for the addicted?

[13:50] Overcoming prejudice against addicts in the recovering community.

[20:58] Sex addiction and porn addiction garner very little support.

[25:54] Education on healthy sexuality in recovery.

[32:15] Reembracing sexuality in recovery.

[34:47] Revealing trauma, then moving forward.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Johanna O’Flaherty

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “A witness helps shape who we become and how we walk through life.”
• “Where are the hospices for the addicted?”
• “In the journey of healing, we need to give people hope.”
• “What we long for in a relationship is intimacy, and then sexuality.”

Adam Nisenson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about betrayed men. They share the worst advice a betrayed man can hear, how to determine if reconciliation is the right next step, and the reality that being cheated on does not justify cheating. Adam shares resources, including The ManKind Project, that have helped him through his own healing and how to engage men who have no interest in therapy.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:44] Reconciling is possible, but not always preferred.

[3:40] Therapy for the men who have no interest in therapy.

[7:20] 12-Step programs for betrayed men.

[9:55] She cheated, should I have sex with someone else?

[11:45] The worst advice a betrayed man can hear.

[14:51] Determining if reconciliation is the right next step.

[17:36] My needs aren’t being met. Does that justify cheating?

[19:39] The ManKind Project.

[24:02] Does age affect a man’s ability to heal from betrayal?

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Adam Nisenson

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “She might have done this to you, but it’s also happening to you. What do you want to do about it?”
• “If you need help, ask for help!”
• “Even if your partner cheated on you, that doesn’t give you permission to cheat.”

Adam Nisenson, also known as The Betrayal Shrink, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Together with Dr. Rob he highlights the need for betrayed men to have support and healing just as much as women do. He shares his own healing journey, the support that he offers men who have been betrayed, and why he believes that his own betrayal experience was actually worth it.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:25] The depth of Adam’s betrayal as a man.

[6:20] Adam recalls his feelings on D-Day.

[8:52] The importance of having a safe, supportive place to grieve.

[9:50] Rediscovering self-worth when reconciling or separating.

[13:53] Projecting unhealthy anger on others gives them the power.

[17:55] Navigating betrayal from a child’s perspective.

[20:02] Adam’s decision to support other betrayed men.

[22:45] Key differences between betrayed men and women.

[26:44] Is it just sex? Or is it love?

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

Adam Nisenson

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES:

• “Having a safe, healthy place to grieve and be seen was a game-changer for me.”
• “Projecting unhealthy anger on others gives them the power.”
• “I wanted to make therapy cool for men.”
• “Emotional betrayal is just as painful as physical betrayal, and they both destroy trust.”
• “It was through my pain that I discovered who I really was.”