I don't think anyone would say they want more stress in their life. But most of us create a lot of unnecessary stress for ourselves and other people.

I have a friend (who shall remain nameless – maybe you have one too) and she’s a real drama queen. She looks for it, she creates it. Even the littlest things, turn into a crisis or story like you’d see in a Seinfeld episode and it is EXHAUSTING to be her and to be around her.

Okay. You might have heard it said that if you can spot it, you’ve got it. And guess what? I’ve got some of it too! I’m highly skilled at adding complexity to things that create more stress for me and others (but I’m getting better!).

So why do we make mountains of molehills? What are we getting out of it except feeling bad?

The short answer is we often react to fear in a self-defeating way. Fear of failure, fear of regret, and fear of rejection – it doesn’t matter – that fear drives us to behave in ways that only ramp up our stress levels.Our brains think they’re doing us a favor by getting us to take actions they believe will keep us safe, but a lot of the time that comes at the cost of our peace of mind.

In this episode of Real Confidence, I get into all the ways we unconsciously create unnecessary stress, how our bodies know we’re stressed before our minds do, and what we can do to prevent ourselves from spiraling out of control and reset our confidence.

Because reducing stress isn’t just about feeling better in the moment – it’s about safeguarding our long-term health and well-being and the best time to start doing that is NOW.

Friends, I am still reeling from my conversation with Rebecca Yang ,my guest for this episode of Real Confidence. Wow. I mean, talk about an absolute powerhouse of a human being (not to mention being a skilled diplomat). The stories she shared about her experiences in Istanbul and during the Afghanistan evacuation had me hanging on every word.

I couldn't help but be in awe of Rebecca's journey. Here she was, a young diplomat thrown into some of the most intense situations imaginable, from surviving a coup attempt to orchestrating a massive evacuation from Afghanistan. And through it all, she never once faltered in her commitment to living her values.

It’s such a simple yet profound concept and one that clearly guided her through the toughest of times. It's a reminder that confidence and resilience aren't just traits we're born with; they're qualities we cultivate through experience and action.

I feel incredibly lucky to have had the chance to chat with Rebecca and share her story with all of you. It's a reminder that no matter what challenges we face, it's possible to come out on the other side stronger and more resilient than ever.

Highlights from our conversation include:

• Why living by your values is especially important in times of crisis when everything is uncertain and situations are fluid
• How being able to adapt to change and bounce back from setbacks is crucial for success in ever-changing environments.
• The importance of leading with empathy when $h!t is hitting the fan and how that impacts decision-making; and
• The relationship between mood and action and which one serves us best by coming first
• The ONE thing that most rocked her confidence is truly surprising! And you’ll have to listen in to hear what it was!

Rebecca Yang is an experienced Chief of Staff and Strategy and Operations leader with 17+ years of global experience, including as a U.S. diplomat for which she earned two U.S. State Department awards for her service. The best way to learn more about Rebecca is to connect with her on LinkedIn.

To hug or not to hug? That is the question for a lot of people. Recently I was thinking about the later days of the pandemic, going to a couple of conferences when we were still wearing masks and sitting six feet apart. The conference organizers offered two versions of the badge lanyards to signal whether you were comfortable shaking hands or not.

At the time I was like, oh, what a bummer that this is what we have to declare but in hindsight I think it was probably a big relief for people who, as a rule, don’t like that physical contact and wish they could walk around always with a little sign that says, “Please don’t touch me.”

Personally, I’m a hugger. To me, hugs are more than just squeezes; they're like little happiness boosters with a dash of oxytocin. But let's not kid ourselves, hugging ain't always a walk in the park for everyone.

With cultural quirks and personal preferences in the mix, figuring out when to go in for the hug can be a bit of a head-scratcher. Whichever side of the hug you’re on, you don’t want to offend, right?

In this episode of Real Confidence I’m sharing some tips on how to read the room, pick up on subtle cues from the person in front of you to determine if you’re going to go for it or opt for a cozy, two-handed handshake instead.

The bottom line? Let’s be more mindful of one another’s physical comfort zone and share that confidence through some good old-fashioned kindness.

Listen in to hear more about how to confidently navigate the hug highway and foster human connection!

Ever wonder which episode or season you’d make it to if you were a character in The Walking Dead? How you’d protect yourself, find shelter, get food? Whom you could trust? What about whether you could trust yourself to do the right thing if your life were under threat or your loyalties were tested?

These questions aren’t just fun party conversation starters – they’re actually a sneaky way to get a handle on how self-reliant you are, and in turn, how confident you feel about taking care of yourself and your loved ones in an actual state of emergency.

Topics like emergency preparedness, self-defense, and home safety and security bring up fear for a lot of people. There’s the Fear with a capital F around the need for these things becoming reality, but also the fear that we won’t know what to do or how to do it if someone isn’t there to help or guide us.

The more self-reliant we are, the more confidence we can have that we have the skills, tools or abilities we need to manage these kinds of serious situations. That doesn’t guarantee a good outcome of course, but the alternative – keeping our heads in the sand – almost promises that things won’t go as well as they could.

Enter John Brewer, my guest on this episode of Real Confidence. John spent 10+ years in Army Special Forces defending his country, his family and his life. Our conversation about the relationship between self-reliance and confidence was riveting. It doesn’t matter if you’re avoiding learning how to program a new remote control or putting go-bags together in case weather events force you to evacuate your home – this episode has something for everyone.

Highlights from our conversation include:

• How self-reliance and teamwork fit together
• The cost of not being more self-reliant
• How it’s our belief that something is beyond our learning grasp that makes it so
• Why foundational – not expert – knowledge is enough to build self-trust and reliance
• The three levels of confidence that are always at play at work or at home, whether you’re a leader or contributor to the team

John Brewer is the author of Fight For Your Best Life: The Step-By-Step Self-defense Guide to Personal Empowerment, Protecting Your Loved Ones, and Living Fearless and the founder of Mind, Shield and Spear Consulting group, an organization focused on delivering not just the physical techniques, but also the mental strategies to navigate challenging situations with confidence. Learn more about John at mindshieldandspear.com.

Listen, life is A LOT and has been for the last four years. I’ll be the first one to tell you that what we lived through changed not how we lived, but how we experienced our lives. We’re not going back to before. We’ve got to live where we are NOW.

And where we are now is emotionally exhausted. The question is why? Are we truly burned out or are we just bored? And how do we know the difference?

One of the problems I see is that (once again), when the way we feel is validated by the media and everyone around us, we’re compelled to label it as a syndrome.

Yes, it helps to know we’re not alone in what we’re feeling or dealing with but giving it a “diagnosis” like that makes it way too easy to put the blame outside ourselves.

So I’m going to ask again: are we truly burned out or are we just bored?

This is top of mind for me because I am craving sleep like it’s my job. It’s not a health issue (I had my doctor look into it) and what I discovered when I got curious about this sleepy malaise might surprise you.

In this episode, I get into that and share my own personal process for identifying what’s draining, exhausting or otherwise sapping my life energy. Listen in to hear what I learned and see if you’re up for a little challenge of your own.

The human brain is a marvelous thing. All day long it’s tasked with protecting us from anything it perceives as a threat, and it takes that job seriously.

So seriously, in fact, that it actually can’t discern the difference between real, life-threatening situations and getting a vague, last-minute meeting request from our boss.

Whatever the danger, our brains sound the alarm bell, stress hormones begin to flood our system and our amygdalas – that primitive part of our brain – go into overdrive.

We fight, we flee, we freeze or we fawn, all in the name of creating safety and security.

With biology at play like that, is it possible to be confident in a crisis?

The answer is yes, but it’s more accurate to say we can learn how to be MORE confident in a crisis.

My guest on this episode of Real Confidence knows firsthand from her time in AmeriCorps what it’s like to live in a war zone and how we experience threats to our lives and threats to our status, income or relationships in pretty much the same way.

She also has some excellent strategies for how to come back to center and anchor our perception in reality so we can operate from a calmer, cooler place when a crisis (real or perceived) hits.

Takeaways from our conversation include:

• Why it’s easier for men to compartmentalize than it is for women
• How to prevent a full-on amygdala hijacking when you feel it starting up
• The role curiosity can play in teaching your brain what it is and isn’t a crisis
• Just how much choice we all really have when in a moment of crisis

Kristine Scott developed her conflict response and training skills over years directing meal programs for the house insecure. Her monthly training sessions soon started drawing people from all over, leading her to found Seattle Conflict Resolution. Kristine is now a nationally recognized trainer and internationally lauded speaker on conflict management. Her mission is to help people bring their best selves into hard situations. You can learn more about Kristine at seattleconflictresolution.com.

A lot of people ask me what the opposite of confidence is. On some level I think they already know the answer isn’t insecurity or a lack of self-esteem otherwise why ask the question. 

And they’re right. The opposite of confidence is neither of those things. 

It’s guilt. 

Guilt is quite a tool. Most often we think of it as a tool other people use against us. My mother likes to say, “I didn’t know your phone was broken,” to guilt me into calling more often. 

In those situations, when someone’s bullying us, guilt can feel bad, stir up feelings of shame or worthlessness. And I have some things to say about that, too. 

But sometimes guilt can be good. I don’t mean that it makes us feel good, but that it’s a sign that we’ve violated our own values, needs and wants.

When we can recognize that, then we also recognize that just like confidence, guilt is a choice. We can wallow in it, or we can use it to address what we did – or didn’t do – and come back to what’s most important to us and then act from THAT place. 

Listen in to learn how to spot the different flavors of guilt and what you can do when you feel the weight of it pulling you down, so that the next time it shows up you can rise up confidently to face it.

Any St. Jerome fans here? Saint who, you’re probably thinking but you may be familiar with some famous words of his: 

Good, better, best. Never let it rest. ‘Til your good is better and your better is best. 

But living inside a culture obsessed with overnight success and a social media landscape that lures us into the self-comparison trap, many of us stop before we even start, well, anything new or different. 

It’s like if we aren’t already The Best, why bother trying, right? And yet there are some people who seem to have cracked the code. By all appearances it looks like mastery – being the best – comes easy to them. 

Not exactly true.

My guest on this episode of Real Confidence has won awards, received accolades and set records that would cause anyone’s jaw to drop. And more interesting still, you wouldn’t think that filmmaking, scuba diving or racing in a Veladrome are connected in any way.

But they are. 

So, if you’ve been holding yourself back from pursuing your real passion, changing careers or exploring a different way of being in the world, you’re going to want to listen to the conversation Jeff Seckendorf and I had about what it takes to be your best. 

Highlights include:

• Why settling for quick success is like eating empty calories
• How your past informs not just your present, but your confidence to create your future
• The incredible concept of overlap and how it allows failure to be okay; and
• The magical paradox of being risky in a conservative way and what that has to do with success

Jeff Seckendorf is a life-long adventurer, filmmaker, and educator – flight instructor, scuba instructor trainer, mentor to scores of up and coming film directors, and instructor for hundreds of film workshops. Learn more about Jeff at jeffreyseckendorf.com.