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tiny changes-Big Shift podcast

tiny changes-Big Shift podcast

By: vickidawn consulting & coaching LLC
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 This is a leadership development show designed to help you transform your life and your business one step at a time. Guests are people who have been there: frustrated, isolated, trapped and stuck. They found using small steps to reconnect to their values gave them energy to recreate and lift their life to new places. They provide tips and tools that are simple, relatable and easy. If you are in transition, a time of change, or have lost your way, our guests provide clarity.2021 Economics Leadership Management Management & Leadership
Episodes
  • episode 30 - Having Difficult Conversations

    episode 30 - Having Difficult Conversations
    Mar 3 2022
    Summary: Toi B James and I explore her book “Talk About It.” Toi gives a 12-step process to help move the most difficult conversation forward. She gives us insight into a process that works. I appreciated the book and the dignity that it can give you in approaching these situations that can challenge the best of us. We all have them, after all. Vickidawn: Our episode today is Number 30, Having Difficult Conversations. My guest is Toi B James author of Talk About It - 12 Steps to Transformational Conversations, Even When you Disagree. Can you tell us a little bit more about your book, a little bit about you, what you do? Toi: Sure. The book talks about - it really is a practical guide that people can use to have difficult conversations. When we say courageous conversations, this book really gives you 12 steps based on coaching techniques. As a certified coach, we are trained to actively listen, hold space for people in a real way, navigate difficult conversations. The book really gives readers practical tools. As far as my background, I am the founder and Chief Impact Officer of RedInk Enterprises, which is a boutique DEI&B, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging Firm that specializes in inclusive communications and engagements. Vickidawn: Thank you. Well, thank you for being here and I'm excited for our show topic today. We all have those conversations that are difficult. We get stuck repeating the same conversation. I know my husband and I spent some years doing that, revisiting them and we could almost write the script. And some topics also are so uncomfortable, we just don't know how to move them forward. Maybe a work relationship or a family situation. Your book, I found really valuable in that way because it does give you such a nice framework to go deeper. I appreciate it so much. Toi: Thank you so much. Vickidawn: You share in your book that you've had uncomfortable moments when others were insensitive in their comments around race. Some people would just wait for others to just get it, but this book is very proactive and empowering. What allowed you to develop the 12 steps to transformative conversations? Toi: Yes. In the intro of the book is a story about a friend of mine, Masud Olufani, who's an artist who was talking to a gentleman after a performance that depicts the selling of enslaved people here in Atlanta. After the presentation or after the performance, which was amazing, an older white gentleman walked up to him and said, "Why are we still talking about this?" Although I couldn't really hear everything - I wanted to - I was trying - I monitored the body language and the patience in the active listening and how he kept the door open for understanding for the both of them. After the conversation, I fast forward a couple of weeks I met with him. I was like, how did that go? How did you do that? That would've paralyzed me because at the time, so much was happening in the country that was harmful and painful as a black woman to navigate in the world. Talking about race became very difficult because of course I've grown up seeing people harmed because of something they can't change. It's just unreasonable, quite frankly, racism is. When I met with my student, I was like, so what happened? He was like, "I gave him my number." I gave him a call to see if he wanted to continue the conversation. We did after some hesitation talk a little bit, I asked him if he would like to continue, can always call me and we can continue talking about what happens within the African American community, our history, why it's important to continue the conversation about our history. He just kind of became my hero in that space. Fast forward, I received an email from a friend of mine who was like, "This would be good for you." It was information about Post Diversity Institute, which is where I was trained as a certified coach. I would have to say after that, I actually got my voice back because I understood that it's not just about my feelings to push a conversation forward. It really is about the people I'm engaging. It's really about discovering. It's really about inquiry. It's really about asking the questions to understand, not necessarily change anyone's minds because we are going to disagree, period, in some cases. When that light bulb moment happens for either one of us, for clarity of understanding, it's a wonderful thing. Then you know there's a door opened to continue. Vickidawn: That is such a different approach to getting defensive or angry, or when there might be a lot of justification to get angry or defensive, in some cases. You give a clear and thoughtful discussion on challenges to approaching conversations around race, politics, religion, and in the workplace. I want to focus on the family and the application of your tools to improve relationships. To start with, you provide three levels of communication in your book. I especially like the distinction of a transformational conversation ...
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    28 mins
  • episode 29-Kick the Judge to the Curb

    episode 29-Kick the Judge to the Curb
    Feb 3 2022
    Lee Ellen and I discuss the destructive nature of letting the judge be in control of life. How it is an enticing, well-worn habit. The judge that came as a guest and stayed as a permanent saboteur. Letting that go takes conscious effort, it doesn’t disappear by magic. The rewards are amazing! Vickidawn: I'll start by saying welcome to episode 29 of tiny changes-Big Shift podcast, Kick the Judge to the Curb. I'm excited to have you here, Lee Ellen. Lee Ellen: Well, thank you. It's nice for you to have me. Vickidawn: Do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself? Lee Ellen: In what capacity? Let's see. Vickidawn: Well, you make jewelry. Lee Ellen: Oh, yes. Yes, I do. I make jewelry and I am a retired mortgage officer and an office manager and a loan closer. I haven't worked for over 11 years, and I have been a sober person for over 14 years. Vickidawn: Yes. Just recently you had a birthday. That's so exciting. Our topic is judgment of yourself, of others, of circumstances, or in the language of our program - people, places, and things. Our judge formed in childhood, as we know, and that's where we absorbed others' opinions and maybe their worldview and incorporated them into our own. Some of them worked and many of them limit us. The biggest way the judge, I name mine the janky judge with an ensemble of characters that I call the hater-aid crew, is - It tells me I can't, I'm not smart enough, I don't have enough experience, and this stops me from expressing my gifts because it stops me from taking on new things - unless I really drag myself by the ear and say, "Come on, you're doing it." Right? Lee Ellen: Right. Vickidawn: There is the obvious, of course, the judge that's hard on us. How does your judge show up Lee Ellen? Lee Ellen: Well, my judge shows up-- It's always been there. It's been there since I was young. I have always felt judged by family. I think it showed up as I wasn't ever good enough. I had an older sister who was extremely smart. She was always thin. She was always outgoing, and she was always popular, and I just couldn't compete with that. It was started then, and then pretty soon I quit trying. I myself felt like it didn't matter, I would never be good enough. Not only was I being judged or felt like I was being judged, I judged myself and then I started judging other people. My judge showed up all the time. I lived with the judge. I was the judge. I was judged. Part of my life, it was pretty sad. I just thought that's the way life was. Vickidawn: Yes. I think all of us were so acquainted because at some point the judge convinced us that it's our friend, that it's there to protect us to-- well, in my case, if I do it just perfect, then I am not subject to any judgment because you can't judge perfect, but perfect is such a high bar and I never could reach it and nobody can. I know you're in the program also, and you've worked the program and been diligent about that and done what you needed to do there and still, the judge is present. Were you aware even well into your recovery that you had that judge living there? Lee Ellen: No, I didn't until later in the program after working my steps. In fact, I didn't even know what boundaries were. I had no boundaries, and I grew up in a family with 10 kids and there couldn't be boundaries. Nobody knew what a boundary was. But also, I didn't know how to think nicely of other people. I judged them quietly in my mind and I never thought anything was wrong with that. It was a terrible thing when I found out that, boy, I thought in my mind all the time about somebody when I would see them on the street, when they would walk in my office, when they left my office. I thought that's what they were doing with me is judging me in that way. When I got into the program and found that, no, that's not how people are that they're loving and kind. Somebody said to me once, "Why do you always say such horrible things about people?" I thought, "Well, doesn't everybody?" I actually said to this person, "Well, they don't hear me say it. I don't say it in front of them. They don't hear me say it." She said, "Yes, but you know what? I think when I leave the room, you're probably saying that about me too." Lee Ellen: I never ever thought-- I just thought, "Well. I knew that was happening behind my back.” That's what I thought because that's what was happening in my home when I grew up. I really made a conscious effort from that point on to not think those thoughts and then I wouldn't say them, or to not say them then I wouldn't think them. It worked. It really worked, but it took the program and working the steps and taking the catalyst class of yours to weed out those things in my life, those character defects, and being able to name my judge and to say, "Oh, I don't need that. That isn't the part of my life I want. What a shortcoming to have." Vickidawn: You're not alone. That's the other thing. We all have a judge. Lee Ellen: Yes. I didn't think other ...
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    32 mins
  • episode 28: Are You Operating Over Regret?

    episode 28: Are You Operating Over Regret?
    Jan 20 2022
    Summary: Amanda and I talk about regret – operating over it and missing opportunities and how to connect with what we value. We talk about forgiveness and compassion for others, and how our own motivations can be buried and that leads us to blame others. Amanda supports mothers through her Daily Dance facebook page, and gives them permission to fail forward. Vicki: Hello, Amanda. So glad to have you here with me today. Amanda: Hi, Vicki. I'm excited to be here today. Vicki: My guest today is Amanda D. She's that real estate mama and founder of The Daily Dance, a journey and exploration of motherhood transformation and failing forward. I love that. I want to talk about that a little bit. She is a first-time mom at 40, entrepreneur, realtor, podcaster, reinventor, village creator, and mom supporter. She's committed to creating connection, freedom, and the courage to fail. Welcome, Amanda. Amanda: Hi, Vicki. Thanks. Vicki: The courage to fail, I love that. Amanda: That was something I have been asking a lot of people and had to ask myself once I became a mom, what's my vision or anybody else's vision of motherhood and what that is personally and what I wanted. The thing that kept coming up for me, and I heard it coming up for other people too, was passing on the courage to fail to their kids, and really it came out as, I want my kids to not be afraid to try things. I want them to be who they are, to explore. It just kept coming to me as, it's having the courage to fail, going for the experience and trying and not getting hung up on whatever result comes up or-- Vicki: Right, or in our society, trying to cover up our mistakes, cover up a failing because what will people think? How would they view us? It's not okay. All of that. I love that, that challenges that right in the face of, let's just have the courage to fail and fall down, pick up the pieces and move on instead of act like, oh my God, that shouldn't have happened, or why did that happen? Amanda: I was going to add to that. It's also something I've learned from watching my son and realized that our natural state is to do that. If you watch a little kid learning to walk, they don't get up and do it right the first time. They don't get up and do it right the first 100 times. Each time they get a little further and not once do you see little kids start to get down on themselves. They might get a little frustrated, but they just keep going until they get it. We as adult onlookers, we just know and assume that they will and encourage them to keep going. Yet somehow, as we age, it gets lost, or it suddenly seems like something we as adults are no longer allowed to do. Vicki: I love your reference to the tiny stages. Each time they get a little further because that's often in life, we focus on the big results and forget to pay attention to the lots of little things that we did to make that happen. Our show today is episode 28, Are You Operating Over Regrets? We had a conversation last week where you mentioned that you don't really experience regret today. You've reclassified if you ever felt regret. The focus is - I've learned something from all my mistakes and all the places where I might have fell short or felt others fell short. Do you mean that you don't feel guilt, shame, remorse, or sorrow, but may have situations where you wish they would've turned out differently, or are you pretty much, nope, everything turned out the way it should have? Amanda: I'm a human being. I most certainly have felt all of those things, guilt, shame, remorse, sorrow, especially in the moment. It's really hard to be regret-free in the moment or the moment right after something. What I mean by that is that I relate this idea of regret - for some reason, when I hear the word regret, I think what would I want to do over? Earlier in life, I think what came up for me was nothing. I just don't even want to go back there. Whatever it was, there was this, you know what? At least where I am now, I got through it, it's done and, you know what? I'd rather leave it as is and move forward than try to go back and do something again, because how do I know that whatever it is I do the second time would really be better. I've also, in this conversation that we've been having, realized that there was also this little bit of those moments are also opportunities for learning. Those things that I want to hang on to, regret, or continue to have negative feelings about, are really missed lessons. Vicki: I like that thinking. Amanda: When some of that stuff comes up, asking what can I learn or what did I learn? I've certainly had moments that I've really beat myself up over and got hung up on, and at some point, I just stopped to ask, what tiny change or just tiny little thing could I do so that it has a purpose, so that that thing serves a purpose? Whether it's making a different decision sometime, the next time, or just what can I pull from it? What can I learn from the experience? What was ...
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    27 mins
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