This month’s Patreon episode dives into a theme that kept surfacing in your questions: When does mental illness explain behavior… and when does it become an excuse?

Before answering your submissions, I break down what we actually mean when we talk about pathological abuse — repeated patterns rooted in personality structure, not just “a bad fight” or poor communication. We explore coercive control, gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement, blame shifting, and the power imbalance that defines these dynamics.

I also clarify the differences (and overlap) between borderline traits, narcissistic traits, and antisocial traits — and why the traits matter more than the label.

Some of the questions I answer:

• Was any of it real, or was I being used the entire time?
• How do I tell the difference between borderline traits and sociopathy?
• Why did they escalate when I got stronger?
• When does mental illness stop being an explanation and start being an excuse?

This is the Instagram video I reference: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DP8CTXVDQ11/?hl=en

This is the podcast I mentioned: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1916632/episodes/10257007

This episode was originally recorded for my Patreon community, where I answer listener-submitted questions in a more direct, unfiltered way. I’m sharing it publicly because the themes felt too important to keep behind a paywall.

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

In this episode, I share what it’s really like to support clients through the chaos of high-conflict divorce — when legal processes, endless emails, and contradictory communication make it nearly impossible to think clearly. I talk about how I help clients slow things down, organize what’s actually happening, and find stability in the middle of emotional and legal overwhelm.

I also share how confusion becomes one of the main weapons of post-separation abuse, and what I do to help survivors reclaim clarity, confidence, and emotional grounding. If you’ve ever felt like you’re drowning in filings, lawyer emails, or mixed messages from your ex and the professionals involved, this episode will help you see the bigger picture, feel more anchored, and take the next step forward.

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

“No one sees it. They just think he’s nice.”

If you are in a high-conflict divorce or co-parenting dynamic, you probably feel this in your bones.

One of the hardest parts of covert abuse is that the “nice” isn’t safe. The "helpfulness" isn’t genuine. It’s strategic.

When you are the only one seeing it and reacting to it, you start questioning yourself.

In this episode, I talk about what it’s like to live inside a pattern that other people can’t see. Courts, lawyers, evaluators — they are trained to look for a single shocking incident. They are looking for overt violence, clear evidence and one big moment.

They are not trained to see is cumulative harm, psychological pressure and the tone of a text that looks polite but isn’t.

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

One of the most painful and confusing questions survivors ask is this:

“If I want them to change… how is that different from them wanting me to change?”

On the surface, it sounds the same. Two people. Both asking for change. But it is not the same.

In this episode, I’m joined again by Paul Colaianni of The Overwhelmed Brain and Love and Abuse to unpack the critical difference between wanting harm to stop… and wanting control.

We talk about:

• The difference between self-protection and selfish control
• Why survivors question whether they’re “abusive too”
• The shift that happens 3–6 months into many abusive relationships
• How instinct gets conditioned out of you
• Why abusers externalize and survivors internalize
• What real change actually looks like (and how to spot when it’s just words)
• Why consequences are often the only thing that triggers accountability

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking:

• “Am I asking for too much?”
• “Are we both the problem?”
• “Why do they say I need to change too?”
• “If I want them to be healthier, isn’t that controlling?”

This conversation will bring clarity.

Wanting someone to stop hurting you is not abuse. Wanting someone to shrink so you can control them is.

I highly recommend Paul's work. You can find him here: loveandabuse.com

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

This episode puts words to what a trauma bond feels like before there is language for it. The quiet erosion. The logic loops. The way your needs slowly become “too much.” The way calm, rational explanations are used to invalidate your emotional reality. The way you start rehearsing conversations, monitoring your tone, silencing yourself, and shrinking—just to keep the peace.

This is not a story about explosive fights or obvious cruelty. It is about subtle control, emotional superiority, and the kind of psychological manipulation that makes you doubt your own perceptions while trying harder and harder to make the relationship work.

In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why trauma bonds don’t feel abusive while you’re in them
• How “logical” partners can still be deeply emotionally abusive
• What cognitive dissonance does to your sense of self
• Why your nervous system starts reacting before your mind catches up
• How silence, self-erasure, and hyper-independence become survival strategies
• Why “just leaving” is not simple—and never was

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Leaving a relationship with someone who has untreated borderline personality traits can feel less like a breakup and more like trying to escape a locked room while being told you’re the one causing the fire.

In this episode, I speak directly to the people who are rarely centered in these conversations: the partners who have been living inside someone else’s emotional emergency. The ones who learned to scan tone, timing, silence, and mood shifts just to survive. The ones whose nervous systems became collateral damage.

This is not an episode about diagnosing or vilifying people with BPD. It is about naming the relational impact of untreated emotional dysregulation, identity collapse, abandonment panic, and rage–care oscillation on the person who loves them.

I talk about:

• Why leaving can feel impossible without intense guilt and fear
• How reality erosion, false accusations, and emotional role reversal take hold
• The cycle I see over and over again: rage → collapse → panic → pleading → accusation
• Why reassurance makes things worse instead of better
• How partners slowly disappear while trying to keep someone else regulated
• Why intent does not cancel impact, even when suffering is real

If you’ve ever felt like you were the safest person in the world one moment and the villain the next—with no transition, no shared reality, and no way to win—this episode is for you.

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

In this episode, I talk about what happens after the fight, the discard, or the emotional explosion, and why the aftermath hits you so much harder than it seems to hit them.

I break down a pattern I see constantly in emotionally abusive, high-conflict, and narcissistic dynamics: one person unloads their rage, shame, blame, or dysregulation, and then walks away feeling lighter—while the other person is left carrying it.

I explain why this isn’t about resolution, communication, or vulnerability. It’s about emotional transfer. When someone cannot tolerate their own internal discomfort, they offload it onto you.

You’re left replaying the conversation, questioning yourself, feeling dysregulated, and trying to make sense of something that was never meant to be repaired.

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

How do you survive—and eventually recognize—the BPD cycle of abuse, especially when you are already exhausted, confused, and questioning yourself.

In this episode, I break down the cycle as it actually unfolds in real life: The intense honeymoon phase, the sudden emotional whiplash, the accusations and character attacks, the breakups and reconciliations, and the long stretch of chaos that keeps you hooked through intermittent relief.

I talk about why this dynamic is so hard to recognize while you’re inside it, why your nervous system becomes hypervigilant, why you can’t sleep, why you’re constantly scanning for tone, mood shifts, and explosions, and why none of this means you’re weak, codependent, or “too sensitive.”

If you’ve ever felt like your body knew something was wrong long before your mind could accept it—this episode is for you.

Support the show

*Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast*

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner