Most survivors don’t start by asking “Is this abuse?” They ask “Why do I feel crazy?”

This episode dives deep into the emotional confusion that defines so many abusive dynamics—especially when gaslighting, blame-shifting, and chronic invalidation are at play. If you’ve ever found yourself apologizing after being hurt, doubting your memory, or shrinking yourself to avoid their reactions, you’re not alone—and you’re not overreacting.

We’ll explore:

• How emotional abuse trains you to question your reality
• The difference between lying and gaslighting—and why the distinction matters
• Subtle red flags that keep you stuck in self-blame
• The questions that help you reconnect with your truth

This episode is here to help you name the thing you haven’t been able to name, and to remind you: confusion is a tactic.

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Dr. Kerry McAvoy joins me to discuss the most confusing and painful parts of surviving a relationship with someone who has Cluster B traits, including narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, and histrionic personality disorders.

We explore:

• The neurological and psychological reasons why people with Cluster B disorders don’t change
• Why survivors feel crazy, confused, and exhausted—and why that’s by design
• How splitting, emotional dysregulation, and weaponized remorse show up in real relationships
• The difference between low capacity and emotional immaturity vs. willful abuse
• How to tell if the “person you miss” was ever real—or just the hook
• Why grief work is essential when letting go of the fantasy version of who you thought they were

Dr. Kerry offers insight from both her clinical background and lived experience. If you’ve ever asked yourself “Why won’t they change?” or “Was any of it real?”—this episode will help you understand why the answer is more devastating and liberating than you thought.

Learn more about Dr. Kerry McAvoy’s work and grab her book Love You More at kerrymcavoyphd.com.
To join her Toxic-Free Relationship Club

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

I’m sharing one of the most requested and emotionally charged topics: the trauma bond. This episode is part of my private podcast series Unhooked: Mapping the Cycle of Abuse, and I felt it was important to bring it here too—for anyone who’s stuck in the pain, confusion, or shame of staying in a relationship they know is harming them.

We explore why trauma bonds form, how they keep you hooked, and what it takes to begin breaking free. This isn’t just about naming abuse—it’s about understanding how your nervous system got wired for survival in an environment where love and harm coexist.

Inside this episode:

• What a trauma bond actually is (and how it’s different from love)
• Why your body clings to the person who hurts you
• Signs you might be trauma bonded
• Why it feels impossible to leave—even when you know the truth
• What happens during withdrawal after leaving
• How to start untangling yourself, one step at a time
• The myth of mutual abuse and why blaming yourself keeps you stuck

This conversation comes directly from Unhooked, my in-depth series designed to help you map your personal cycle of abuse, reconnect to your clarity, and take back your power. If what you hear in this episode resonates, I invite you to join me inside the full series.

🧠 Learn more about Unhooked at emotionalabusecoach.com

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Trauma Bonding—a term that’s often misunderstood and sometimes avoided because naming it means facing the abuse beneath it. In this episode, I break down what a trauma bond is (and isn’t), why it’s more than “shared trauma,” and how it functions as an emotional and physical addiction. Then, we talk about something that might feel uncomfortable: the places where you do have control once you’ve recognized you’re trauma bonded.

I cover:

• The truth about intermittent reinforcement and why it keeps you hooked
• Why naming a trauma bond matters for healing
• How to treat it like an addiction without shaming yourself
• Small, doable ways to create space and reclaim your power
• How to stop looping on them and start focusing on you

Resources & Links:

• Join the Patreon: Exclusive bonus content, Q&A, unreleased material — https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy
• Trauma Bonding Playlist: Every episode I’ve recorded on this topic —
  https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6iOynoEO7SelaOTe2yzne0?si=CvyvQYn9QWutSgYAJmG-8w&pi=o4AQRKjrQ_mh5
• Coaching & Support: emotionalabusecoach.com

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

This episode explores one of the most insidious aspects of emotional abuse: shame offloading.

When someone can’t face their own emotional wounds—whether it’s failure, inadequacy, or internal contradictions—they often project that pain onto the person closest to them.

You become the emotional scapegoat, the one who’s blamed, punished, or humiliated—not because you did something wrong, but because they can’t sit with their own discomfort.

I walk through how this dynamic shows up in abusive relationships, how it fractures your sense of safety and self, and why the nervous system starts to adapt to the abuse as a form of survival.

I explore how abusers develop internal scripts to justify their behavior, how survivors unconsciously internalize those scripts, and what it takes to start breaking that pattern.

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Why do emotionally abusive people double down on false narratives, deny reality, and convince themselves they’re the victim—even when they’re causing visible harm?

I'm joined by Paul Colaianni, host of The Overwhelmed Brain and Love and Abuse podcasts and creator of The Healed Being program, one of the few resources for people who have been emotionally abusive and genuinely want to change.

We unpack one of the most confusing dynamics in abusive relationships: the distorted thinking that abusers use to justify their behavior and the self-protective systems that keep them from taking accountability.

We cover:

• Why abusers truly believe their own version of reality
• The psychology of self-righteousness, control, and emotional arrogance
• How survivors internalize blame and begin to question their own kindness
• The painful tipping point between self-sacrifice and self-protection
• What real change actually looks like—and why it often comes after the survivor walks away

Resources mentioned:

• The Mean Workbook by Paul Colaianni: https://theoverwhelmedbrain.gumroad.com/l/jkSo
• Jessica’s Boundaries Deep Dive + 1:1 Validation Calls: emotionalabusecoach.com
• The Unhooked Private Podcast & Course on the Cycle of Abuse: https://jessicaknight.thinkific.com/courses/unhooked

Work with me:
emotionalabusecoach.com
highconflictdivorcecoaching.com

Subscribe to my Substack:
jessicaknightcoaching.substack.com

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

This episode takes you inside the lived experience of emotional abuse. The story captures how emotional dysregulation, boundary violations, and false repair cycles can slowly erode a person’s sense of self.

We discuss how the classic cycle of abuse—tension, explosion, and reconciliation—can unfold in covert ways, leaving the survivor walking on eggshells, questioning their reality, and constantly managing someone else’s emotional state at the expense of their own.

This is not a story of screaming or slamming doors. It’s a story of slow erasure, hypervigilance, and the quiet agony of never being allowed to just be.

Resources Mentioned:

• Unhooked, a private podcast on mapping your personal cycle of abuse
• Coaching, courses, and more support at emotionalabusecoach.com
• More content on Substack: JessicaKnightCoaching.Substack.com

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

There’s a version of abuse that presents as calm and reasonable. It doesn’t look chaotic, and at first, it doesn’t even feel that way. It feels quiet and measured. It sounds like someone who wants to work through things. Someone who seems thoughtful and emotionally attuned.

Under the surface, there’s control, pressure, and a constant pull to make you question whether your reactions are valid, whether your needs are too much, and whether you’re the one creating the problem.

In this episode, I share a case study from my own experience—one that illustrates how the cycle of emotional abuse can play out through over-explaining, emotional caretaking, and subtle self-betrayal.

If you’ve ever felt like your nervous system was screaming while your partner calmly told you everything was fine, this episode will help you name what’s happening.

This episode is part of Unhooked, my private podcast series on mapping the cycle of abuse—especially the kind that doesn’t look like abuse from the outside.

Support the show

Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy

*New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship

Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com
Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach
Email: jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com

{Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse

{E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist
{Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal
{Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner