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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On today’s episode, we answer the following questions:

• I'd love to hear you discuss forgiveness. We're often warned against forgiving too soon or improperly, but rarely told how to forgive the right way. When is the right time? What does forgiveness look like without reconciliation or trust? Can unforgiveness lead to bitterness in a betrayed wife?
• Could you discuss practical tools for building empathy in relationships? It feels essential for healing, especially after betrayal, but it’s often hard to know where to start. What are some specific actions or strategies that can help partners develop deeper empathy and understanding for each other’s feelings and experiences?
• After 30 years of marriage and my husband’s struggle with sexual addiction, he’s found freedom. But a recent non-sensual massage triggered me—reminding me of past betrayals. Am I overreacting? Do I need more healing? Should I ask him to seek another man's perspective, or just let it go

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On today’s episode, we answer the following questions:

• I am wondering if a husband is supposed to tell his wife about relapses after full disclosure? My husband doesn’t want to cause me “more trauma” and says, “I am acting like an accountability partner.” When I tell him it’s to help restore trust with honesty, he says he has been honest because I’ve known about his struggle. But I don’t know about current relapses. He is in a program and I am seeking healing. Any insights on how to have this conversation? Is he right?
• My husband has been relapsing for 2.5 years and doesn't disclose within the agreed 24-hour period. Instead, he waits weeks or months, which leaves me feeling hopeless and angry. What boundaries should I put in place and how long do I let him continue this pattern? Although he’s in a Seven Pillars group and working on recovery, his ongoing deception makes rebuilding trust difficult. I have a safety plan in place, but his lying is a major issue. I want him to find freedom, but I don’t know how much more I can endure.
• Are there guidelines for healthy boundaries during separation? A separation safety action plan? How to help the kids through this? After a previous separation, I rushed back, but now, a year later, my husband violated my safety plan, requiring another separation. I’m in counseling, he’s nearing the end of his Seven Pillars group, but avoids personal counseling. He claims to be “trying,” yet the same patterns persist—relapsing every 3-6 months and swapping one addiction for another. I’m not seeing real growth or accountability.

7 Key Components of a “Therapeutic” Separation Agreement

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On today’s episode, we answer the following questions:

• I’ve been leading Betrayal & Beyond groups. Sometimes I’ll have women whose husbands are involved in paraphilia and I wonder how to help them. (Cross dressing, exhibitionism, anonymous sex with other men even though they are not homosexual, etc.) I haven’t seen or heard any advice from PD on this subject. Can you offer some encouraging things I could share with them? I don’t want to make them feel worse by saying the wrong thing.
• What are the thoughts around women reading fictional books that have spicy scenes? Is it wrong across the board? My husband has been in Seven Pillars and Compassionate Warrior groups and I've gone through a Betrayal & Beyond group. My thought for the books being acceptable is reading about women who actually have a sex drive and are passionate about being intimate with their partner. A freedom they must have in the fictional world without a betrayal in their history. Lol.
• I'm looking for advice on where Christian women can learn specific ways to enhance their sex life. In my youth, I read secular magazines with tips on touching a man’s body, but now, as a Christian, I want to avoid non-God-honoring content and porn. Our sex life is decent, but I want to improve it. I've read several Christian books on sex, but they feel too basic. After 18 years of marriage, any tips on spicing things up?
  

Sheila Wray Gregoire's Resoureces

The Gift of Sex by Cliff & Joyce Penner

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On today’s episode, we answer the following questions:

• I left my abusive marriage for the safety of my children and myself, and my ex-husband has since passed away. As I grow through recovery and faith, I've started considering dating again. However, I've begun having intrusive thoughts about whether the men around me are engaging in problematic behaviors like masturbation and porn. Do you have any suggestions for minimizing these intrusive thoughts or handling them when they occur?
• My husband has been working on recovery through Seven Pillars and Compassionate Warrior, and I’ve done Betrayal & Beyond. While he’s making progress, I’m struggling to sleep next to him (actually sleep). He acted out in our bed during most of our marriage, and now sleep feels vulnerable. Though I trust he's not acting out, I wake up panicked with vivid dreams and flooded thoughts of his betrayal. We’ve set boundaries around sleeping together, but it doesn’t feel like a healthy arrangement. What should I do?
• I’m questioning the concept of "erotic haze" in my relationship. What can you tell me about it? My partner is “sober” but still feels unsafe to me emotionally and physically. While he acknowledges the issues of porn and masturbation, he’s resistant to recognizing other problematic behaviors tied to his sexual history. We’re five years past D-Day, and progress is slow despite treatment efforts: inpatient twice, Seven Pillars, and currently Compassionate Warrior. He struggles with manipulation and control, and I’ve detached myself to focus on my own healing. I need validation and education to better understand this process and my feelings.

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions:

- I’m 27 and married for four years with no kids. Six months in, I discovered my husband’s porn addiction and his solicitation of a prostitute. Over the years, he’s continued deceptive behavior, including porn use on a hidden phone, and refusing counseling. In February 2025, he received a threatening call from the 'cartel' (not the first time in our marriage). Though he promises to change, I no longer believe him. I’m considering creating my own life in another state while he works on recovery. Should I continue in this marriage?

- After 29 years of marriage, I’m newly single following my husband’s affair. He’s a Christian pastor who walked away from our marriage, claiming God released him, while he’s with a younger woman. Six months after discovering his betrayal, I’m finally starting to recover from the shock. I’m left with our kids, the house, and all the responsibilities. I’m struggling with the pain and confusion, missing him at times, and questioning how to focus my desires on God long-term. Why is healthy sexuality so difficult for many, and where is the church's accountability?

- How do you deal with a husband's betrayal and the affair partner who gave birth to his baby 5 months ago? I made a decision to stay with him despite this but it is impossible to expect no contact when they have to communicate about the baby. Any suggestions?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions:

• In 2006, I found out my husband had a pornography addiction. He later worked at a church and grew close to a female coworker. In January 2021, he admitted relapsing and revealed that this coworker helped him stop, claiming to be in love with her. I saw it as an emotional affair and asked him to stop texting her. Four years later, he still texts her, and I feel betrayed. Am I unreasonable in asking him to sever ties and stop all contact?
• I've been married for 19 years with two children. My husband is generally a good father and husband, but struggles with sexual unfaithfulness, particularly pornography. He claims to be four months porn-free, but we haven't gone through full disclosure. Though we've done groups and counseling, I feel emotionally exhausted and unsupported, especially when he deflects my concerns about his actions. I'm unsure how to manage my exhaustion while supporting him and address his lack of transparency in recovery. What can I do?
• Since 2020 (d-day), my husband has been in therapy, and although we started counseling together, the focus shifted to his healing. He often expresses unhappiness and says the family would be better off without him. He yells at our sons and creates constant conflict. After 4.5 years, I see no growth, and I feel exhausted, considering divorce. I find it odd that his therapist has never reached out to check in with me. Is this normal?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

When we experience betrayal, it seems as though our world has been turned upside down. This type of trauma can leave us feeling paralyzed and alone, unsure of what’s happening to us and if healing is even possible. On today’s episode, we are honored to have Dr. Barbara Steffens as our guest. She is the author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal and the founding President of APSATS: The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. Dr. Steffens walks us through what it looks like to find healing from betrayal trauma.

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal

APSATS Website

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:

- Is lifelong sobriety possible? My husband has been addicted to pornography since he was 12-13. He has gone through a 12 step recovery program and gained 2 years of sobriety and good recovery. Recently, he has started relapsing over a 6 month period and has reached a point where he quit his job and checked himself into a 30-day inpatient addiction recovery center. I am trying to take it one day at a time, but I am afraid of what comes next. What if this doesn’t work and he can’t gain long term recovery or sobriety? What am I to do? Do I stay?

- What is considered sobriety? If the longest he has gone without a relapse was 7 months (since 2018), was that just white knuckling? I'm curious if my husband has ever actually been sober during his recovery journey. I am at the end of my rope, looking toward divorce. Every year I keep saying things will look different next year, but I don't want to keep saying that only to be going around the same hill. After so much broken trust, I don't know how to rebuild.

- In a recent episode, I loved how you talked about our spouses stepping up and stepping in. Then I realized my husband continually compares himself to others, but he believes all other men are addicted to porn, so he thinks he's no worse than any other. Are there stories out there of men who've been honorable in this area so he knows it's possible? Everyone he knows, his friends, in SA, in Seven Pillars, all struggle. I would love for him to have examples of men who can control themselves.

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