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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.

“Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest or them all”?

How do you answer that question for you? Learn to love self, before you can love others.

I use that thing called EMDR to work on the distorted image of self. What is this thing called EMDR? It is Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing. What a mouth full!

I can talk about it til the cows come home, but you will still have frowns on your eyebrows. Watch a few of the video clips:

https://youtu.be/9uE04Blfd-Q?si=MrNZZmCAgmTmOUo7 EMDR (Prince Harry) experience

https://youtu.be/M2ra8p4MSOk

https://youtu.be/bIJZQAr9nQo

https://youtu.be/HNdMHuwvF_M

https://youtu.be/xZVw-9ThmSM

Stop accepting the crumbs off the table. The brain’s dialogue with you can go like this:

“It’s better to have someone, than no one; but people are not safe. Keep them at arms-length and be ready to retreat quickly, if you get a whiff or hint that they are unhappy and may finish with you. It is best to torpedo the relationship; jettison it and protect your heart from further pain, before they do it to you. So, throw in a hand grenade (effectively, to create conflict so as to force the other person to have to leave and finish with you); and then the ‘fait accompli’ kicks in, where – ‘I knew they would finish with me at some point’. (When in fact that was not necessarily what they were planning); more important that you do it to them, before they do it to you, because it hurts less, done that way and you are then in more control of the pain, than if it is done to you and you were caught off guard (again).

“Do onto others, before they do it to you” – is being played out repeatedly. It all makes logical sense to your brain, even if it doesn’t to you!

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, young adults, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens, sex hormones,

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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.

There is a difference between men and women and how they raise boy children - isn't there!

Am I allowed to even pose that question? What does emasculation of men mean? A browser search result says about Emasculation: 'It refers to the perceived loss of traditional masculine attributes, such as strength and power, often resulting from societal changes or dynamics in relationship'.

Were those traditional values 'fit for purpose anyway'? What does the new attributes look like? Are men trying to make them fit, but experiencing a straight jacket effect?

When men do not feel that they are getting it right, the desire to self-soothe to manage emotions, is all the more prevalent.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, young adults, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens, sex hormones, hormones,

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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.

What’s a “Russian Doll” (or is it called a Babushka) got to do with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction?

I thought you would never ask!

“I haven’t bought into that nonsense “Big boys don’t cry”, when I was growing up”. At least, I don’t think so”!

That guy called John Bowlby in the 1940’s dared to put together some suppositions that I didn’t like. How dare he put me in a box and think that he knows me.

Yet, “Oh my goodness, that stuff he is talking about me; describes me. I don’t like this. Anyway, I am a complex being made by God and only Sigmund Freud can unravel the complexities of me”. (This was my coping strategy that I used to avoid getting penetrated and having to go and see those busy-body counsellors and tell them about my growing up stuff, so they could sort me out).

The inner child was curled up deep inside the Russian Doll, with layers of protection, to avoid people that I give my heart to, hurting me again.

"Big boys don't cry". Therefore, grown up boys absolutely cannot cry.

A man's man get's up, stop crying and whimpering and gets on with it. Stiff British lip stuff. (PS: Is that the upper or lower lip that is stiff. I always wondered!)

What is the framework and straight jacket which society (which is us) has given men? Is it the right fit? If it isn't, how do we break out and re-invent ourselves?

What baton? What generational/family script has been handed on to each of us?

What is masculinity? What does it mean? Is it controversial to even ask the question? Too dangerous for me to even dare to begin to offer a 'take'. What does that mean for a progressive society?

More questions than answers in this episode.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, young adults, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens, sex hormones, hormones,

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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.

Russian dolls very well illustrates the brain's attempts to protect and guard us from repeat pain from situations experienced in the childhood development years. The real us, may have got stunted, where the brain built layers and layers around the inner child from the time of early developmental traumas and uncomfortable issues.

By adulthood, maybe you no longer know who is the 'Real' you. You get a split second sight of him (very rarely), but before you are ready, he pops back in and disappears.

When you get that split second sighting, you know you could get to like him, but as you hold up your hands to beckon him to stay, just as quickly, he disappears. (Make sense to anyone?)

You learn to present a version of you, dependent upon the persona you think that group of people want to see or have got use to seeing; but it may not be the real authentic you.

It may have got tiring living in that mould and you have outgrow that version of you, but the 'system' won't let you change and metamorphose into a different version of you. You are stuck. The coat no longer fits. So you self-soothe with P....

Men are “Wild at heart”. That book (by that title) by John Eldredge – maybe is on to something. There is something that is not done “good enough” during childhood development. The brain then sets about trying to fill the deficits with coping strategies – Sex, Porn and/or Love Compulsive activities enter the mix, after the game console or sports, ain’t doing it well enough.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, young adults, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens, sex hormones, hormones,

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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.

We need you ladies. Don't give up on us yet!

So much more practical in finding solutions. Teach us please ladies. We need you.

I am convinced that women have been endowed with an extra perceptive sense which us men do not have. You see danger in innocuous situations that us men just glaze our eyes over, until..... 'Too late guy'.

Us men have become emasculated by a society. What does masculinity mean? Aren’t there two roles – Masculinity & Femininity? Aren’t they different? Don’t they complement each other, to create a balanced society? Too simplistic Gary?

We need someone in our life to role-model the sexual type that belongs to each of us. Without it, so many are floundering on the high seas, trying to do the best with the best that they have been handed.

“Life isn’t fair” - I decided, long ago.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, young adults, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens, sex hormones, hormones,

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What is 'Manly'?: A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.

Impediments to having great relationships:

Disruption in the bonding in early childhood development with the significant caregivers (usually parents), is a key factor. The male (a father) plays a very important role. Masculinity cannot be entirely and comprehensively supplemented by a mother. It is not “do as I say”, it is “do as you see me doing”. The eyes take in the largest amount of information during the communication process.

What gets set up in childhood, plays out in adulthood, in how we interact with others; seeking to bond, yet avoid repeat hurt. It is called Insecure Attachment. Insecure Attachment in Adulthood, often presents as “Love Addiction”, where the individual is not so much chasing Love, but connection; acceptance; to be inclusive; to be wanted; to be secure.

The stuff of Sex, Porn, Love Addiction is indiscriminate. It impacts, in a significant way, women, children, men, LGBTQI community - cutting across all of the societal stratas and ages - (aged 9 to 75).

The scale of addiction is staggering and is at pandemic levels:

• 12% of all internet websites contain pornography.

• 25% of all search engine queries—68 million per day—relate to sex.

• 35% of all downloads are pornographic.

• 70% of men aged 18–24 visit porn sites monthly.

• Average first exposure: 11 years old.

• 1 in 5 pastors struggle with pornography.

• Over 50% of practising Christians report occasional porn use.

• Neurodivergent individuals show higher compulsive-use rates.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, young adults, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens, sex hormones, hormones,

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What is 'Manly'?: A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.

What is Man-ness? There is still a caveman instinct inside of us as men. Has the image got distorted as men try to metamorphize ourselves to fit what society tells us a man should be. Trying to fit what we are really not, is hard work. At some point there may be an increased desire to self-soothe and escape into cyberworld for a while – using sex, porn and/or other compulsive behaviours.

Consider this poem:

Children Learn What They Live

Author: Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism, he [she] learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he [she] learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule, he [she] learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame, he [she] learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance, he [she] learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he [she] learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise, he [she] learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness, he [she] learns justice.

If a child lives with security, he [she] learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval, he [she] learns to like himself [herself].

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he [she] learns to find love in the world.

Templates and scripts from batons and intergenerational patterns passed on, are already shaping the developing brain in such an early formative time, which will set up patterns that continue to play out in adulthood. Therefore, significance must be given to this period in the man's life.

(Let's build upon this in the subsequent episodes of this interesting podcast chat).

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, young adults, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens, sex hormones, hormones,

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"Narcissism because of Sex Addiction - Yuk! That's not me".

Many clients initially (but silently and violently) object to any suggestion that there is Narcissism at work. I am never suggesting they have NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder), but that they WILL have traits from Narcissism.

Here is one definition of Narcissism which I use:

"Narcissism is the way we conceptualise how we will look after ourselves. In its pathological form, it refers to people who seem incapable of acknowledging or taking sufficient account of the reality of other people and their separate existence. Narcissistic Personality Disorder describes those who exemplify an extreme form of this characteristic.

The primary purpose of Narcissism is to compensate for experience, usually in early childhood, when ordinary expectable needs were not met adequately. The Narcissist denies dependence on others and denies even that others exist except as players in the Narcissist’s drama. Other people are required to meet the narcissist’s needs for recognition and value, but without relationship being reciprocated.

The narcissist gives nothing, but demands others give everything. Therefore the original horrific experience of unmet need and the shame and vulnerability that goes with it, is denied and defended against.

Traits include being the centre of attention; little interest in others; craves recognition and praise. They are performers and want others to keep on clapping and not stop; controls and dominates interaction with others; has to be right; cannot admit to ever being wrong and never apologises; insists on things being done their way; always makes the choices and decisions. Reliance on another is not acknowledged".

"Gary, let me show you evidence that I do not seek attention, take little interest in others, don't crave recognition or attention, let alone a performer and want claps. How dare you...."

Until I unfold their behaviours and leave them with 'food for thought' to reflect upon; including going back to my definition of Sex Addiction to see 'the function which the addiction serves'.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, young adults, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens, sex hormones, hormones,

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