IN WHICH —

0:07:30: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK, Ch. 14:

• We return to Spring-Heel’d Jack plunging into the dark filthy waters of the Thames, in a quest to save poor Ellen Folder from the consequences of her rash act in leaping to her death. He comes to the surface and finds the tidal current is fierce, and strikes out in search of the girl. He sees her about to get sucked under a barge that’s moored in the stream, but he reaches her a moment too late; to avoid being sucked under the barge, he grabs it and climbs aboard. Then, hearing Ellen calling, he hurries to the other side; but there’s a guard on the barge who thinks he is a thief! Will he reach the poor drowning girl in time to save her life?

0:28:00: THE BALLET-GIRL'S REVENGE, Ch. 14:

• In this chapter, Rose goes back to the theater to try again to talk her way into a show-biz job. Just as she is being repulsed, Jack Halliday appears and squires her to the manager’s door, past the screeners. She is conveyed into the manager’s presence; the manager is there with another man in the room. He tells her to get lost, but just then the other man turns around and hey, it’s Count Lerno! Count Lerno, of course, urges the manager to take Rose on. The manager does. As Rose is leaving, she tells Jack Halliday of her good fortune, and he is delighted, but warns her not to trust Count Lerno.

• Back home, Rose sees evil parson Abel Booth leaving her house door. Entering, she asks her father what Abel was doing, and Hugh realizes Abel was spying on him. Hugh clearly knows some kind of showdown is coming, and he blames Rose for it: “It is your namby-pamby modesty that has brought this evil down on me.” Apparently she was supposed to allow Abel Booth to ravish her the previous day, and he is now angry because she did not. Thanks a lot, Dad ....
• Now looking out the window, he sees Abel Booth and two other men on the sidewalk looking up at them. Hugh knows this means the hour has come, so he orders Rose up into her room and locks her in, and gets an old-fashioned pistol out of a hidden cubby in the floor. A showdown is about to happen. Will he survive it? If he does not, will she?

PLUS —

• Learn the meaning of "a gent from the Spice Islands," "studying botany," "flash covesses," "gravel-tax collectors," "barking-irons," "pins," "flickers," "the diamond squad," and a few other words of highway-robber slang!

Join host. Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

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IN WHICH —

0:06:30: SPONSORED BY HONEYBUNNY!

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0:10:00: BLACK BESS (feat. Highwayman Dick Turpin), Ch. 14:

• Dick brings Sir Theodore Houghton to the thieves’ rookery in an obscure house in Soho and they set up a sort of kangaroo court to “try” him. One of the other thieves gives evidence, he having once been Sir T’s law clerk until he was foolish enough to fall in love with the magistrate’s daughter. Naturally, Sir Theodore didn’t fancy the idea of his daughter marrying a lowly law clerk. What do you suppose he did about it? Well, we’ll find out today; but the fact that the clerk is now a wanted criminal and a member of the “family” might give you some idea that it was nothing good!

0:33:15: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 14:

• We see Lord Lionel Brothersbane coming onto Lolota Vizzini, clearly he’s marked her out as his rebound girl. Then we cut to Lady Edith Merton in her boudoir at her rich husband’s Park Lane house. She’s sitting there feeling sorry for herself when Colonel Mephistopholes shows up. He says he’s there on Lord Lionel’s behalf; then, as if casually changing the subject to a wholly unrelated topic, he asks her if her new husband has gotten around to making a will leaving all his money to her. She says he has. He asks her if she would take one audacious step to free herself from this odious marriage and take her rightful place as marchioness of Willoughby … well … will she? We shall see. But I bet you can guess, if you’ve been following this story, what she will say.

PLUS —

• Learn the meaning of "greeks," "buzmen," "fly doxies," "rum corinthians," "donutmongers," "crank," and a few other words of highway-robber slang!

Join host. Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

IN WHICH —

0:07:00: THE MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Ch. 2:

• Having ducked into a strange house to escape the rain just before someone came home, the well-dressed youth scampers upstairs ahead of the newcomers and ducks into the farthest room. Luckily the newcomers enter the other room, and light a candle, and start taking some refreshments; but then the lad overhears them talking of burglaries, and murders, and a trap-door in the house that dead bodies once were flung down into the River Fleet, which runs subterraneously under the house … the youth is desperate to get out, but he can’t leave without them seeing him! Is he stuck? Will he be discovered and caught and killed?

0:25:30: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 14:

• Sir Francis Varney brings wine out for Henry and Mr. Marchdale, but does not drink any himself. Henry, increasingly convinced Varney is in fact a vampire – the vampire – struggles and dithers as Marchdale tries to help him hold himself together. He wonders if he has a duty to destroy the vampire. Then Marchdale helpfully reminds Henry that poor Flora, having been bitten by a vampire, may be turning into one too …

0:55:30: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 52:

• Sir Richard Blunt descends into the vaults, followed reluctantly by the beadle and churchwarden. Soon figuring out they are going to be more hinderance than help, Sir Richard hurries ahead, leaving them in darkness… so, what will he find down there? We’ll be finding out soon …

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PLUS —

• Learn what "Mill clapper," "quail pipe," "red rag," "phizog," "hop merchants," "cakey flats," "red thunder," "grunters," "mags," and a few other words meant, in highway-robber slang!

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

IN WHICH —

0:6:00: BLACK BESS (Highwayman Dick Turpin), Ch.13:

• This week in Black Bess, we’ll finally get to see Dick Turpin do his legendary “stand and deliver” thing! The fellow he robs, though, will turn out to be a bit of a handful, even for Dick. But the upshot is, Dick has a guest to present to the banquet of the "family" of outlaws and criminals ... a very, very reluctant guest!

0:21:00: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 13:

• This week in The Black Band, the world’s stupidest marquis comes dashing up to Lady Edith Vandeleur’s house at midnight, ready to take her away to the alter! Alas, he’s 12 hours too late! Did Lord Lionel contrive the murder of his brother for nought? Or is this, too, a problem that Colonel Bertrand can murder his way out of? Stay tuned, my nabs, this one is hotting right up.

0:45:15: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK, Ch. 13:

• In Spring Heeld Jack, we’ll meet a ballet-girl — yes, another ballet girl! And in just about the same situation, too, as a dashing and dissipated libertine is stalking her home from the ballet, crooning sweet persuasion at her … how far do you think he’ll be willing to go to, um, win her, uh, love? And will Spring-heel’d Jack be able to save her in time if he decides to subject her to (cue theatre organ music) A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH? We shall soon see!

1:08:30: ROSE MORTIMER, Ch. 1-2:

• Our latest Penny Dreadful, and oh! what a Dreadful it is! In Chapter 1, we’ll meet our noble, virtuous heroine shrieking for help as a debauched parson attempts to ravish her in the street. Naturally, a brave and hard-fisted rescuer appears and saves the day! But something's wrong. Why won't she let her rescuer punch the evil parson again? We'll soon learn ...
• In Chapter 2, we’ll meet Rose's father, a brute and a criminal who is actively trying to broker her favors to the debauched preacher who attacked her. He is very angry with her for fighting him off. And, who is the tall, dark, handsome stranger with the fabulous mustache who is visiting her father, and what could he want? From the wolfish glance he gives her on his way out, we can pretty well guess …

PLUS —

• Learn what "Cock your leg and cry sugar," "Pockets to let," "Stony," "Virtue Rewarded," "Prigging," "Wedge," "Gentry ken," "Tip the velvet," and "Billing and Cooing" meant, in highway-robber slang! (Along with "bum'd," "pinched," "nabbed," "touched," and "spoke to," all of which mean the same as "Virtue Rewarded.")

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old mid-Victorian London, circa 1865! Fill up a tumbler of blackstrap, unload your stumps, and let's go!

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IN WHICH —

0:13:00: THE MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Prologue and Ch. 1:

• We are introduced to a very young, delicate youth in riding attire, trying to find his way home across Smithfield Market as a terrible storm threatens. Ducking into a doorway to escape the rain, he finds himself inside an abandoned house. Then he hears footsteps – someone is coming in after him …

0:35:20: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 13:

• Henry Bannerworth calls upon his new neighbor, Sir Francis Varney, to talk about selling or leasing Bannerworth Hall to him … and when they see him they are shocked to discover that he is the exact image of the sinister portrait that hangs in Flora’s bedchamber …

1:03:20: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 51:

• We see Sir Richard Blunt meeting up with some authorities from St. Dunstan’s Church for a late-night exploration of the vaults below, with an eye toward solving the mystery of the horrid smell that’s been filling the church. Sir Richard seems to think he knows what they’re going to find … we’ll see!

PLUS —

• Learn what "Count cards," "Cousin Betties," "Nubbing Coves," "Craping Curls," "Sluicery," "Index," Autem Bawlers," "Tulips of the Goes," "Free and Easy," and "Bits of Blood" meant, in highway-robber slang!

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

PART 3 OF 3 PARTS ... IN WHICH we finish our exploration of a fascinating little guidebook for all aspiring Swell Coves, from 1840. It’s titled “Hints to Men-About-Town,” and was written by an anonymous knight of the lancet and bleeding-cup who identifies himself only as “The Old Medical Student.”

THIS EPISODE is crammed with 185-year-old tips on how to prevent the many social, emotional, and especially medical issues that can challenge a fast young rake due to — hmm, how do I put this delicately? —excessive enjoyment of the company of friendly ladies.

That sounds like it should be great fun, but well, the stakes were a lot higher for the sexually rambunctious of both sexes in that pre-antibiotic, pre-birth-control era ... so, I am sad to report, this chapter is a lot more serious and buzzkill-ish than you might be expecting it to be.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY GENTLEMAN READERS: Prithee heed well the hint to skip ahead 60 seconds that appears around the 21:30 mark, lest thou shouldst find thyself clutching thy nether nubbins and moaning softly to thyself in vicarious agony for the remainder of the episode ...

IN WHICH —

0:07:30: SWEENEY TODD, Ch. 50:

• Johanna Oakley is forced to take her brave but not overly smart cousin Big Ben the Beefeater into her confidence — to tell him she is dressing in boys’ clothes to spy on the barbershop where, she thinks, Mark Ingestrie was murdered. Now, what do you think Big Ben will do with this information? Why, go check it out by getting Sweeney Todd to shave him, of course. Will he survive such a foolhardy act? We shall see.

0:27:15: BLACK BESS (Dick Turpin), Ch. 12:

• Dick waits for nightfall and is off and away. Ellen, the young maiden whom he rescued a few chapters ago from a Fate Worse Than Death in that mean capmaker lady’s DIY bordello, begs him not to go, as the “grabs” are sure to be on the lay for him; but he pays no heed. Soon he is off, into a thick fog … journeying, perhaps, to his death? We shall see.

0:36:30: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 12:

• Poor Charles Holland is struggling with his feelings. He cannot believe such things as vampires exist; but if they do, will he soon have a vampire for a wife? He stares at the mysterious portrait. What is its significance? Could there be some secret hidden behind it? And wait — what’s that scratching at the window? Could it be …

1:08:15: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK, Ch. 12:

• Jack’s taking a little breather after his churchyard caper when he recognizes Ellen Folder, the poor seamstress whose bundle Joe Filcher filched, hurrying toward London Bridge. Jack realizes she’s determined to cast herself into the black, filthy waters! Can he save her from the bitter fruits of her temporary madness?

1:28:30: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 12:

• We FINALLY meet a few characters we can root for after a cavalcade of contemptible wretches and psychotic supervillains! We meet Clara Melville, a poverty-stricken but aristocratic and lovely young ballet dancer; and her father, Jasper Melville, an impoverished aristocrat of some sort who hints at a dark secret. Clara’s baby sister is at death’s door with a raging fever. Suddenly a visitor knocks imperiously at the door …

PLUS —

• Learn what "Hell hounds," "hop merchants," "hamlets," "blackstrap," "buggaboes," "fadge," "mopus," "tonies," "thrums," "groat," "tanner," "teaster," and "tizzy" meant, in highway-robber slang!

Join Professor Flash, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John. for a 90-minute spree through the story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

PART 2 OF 3 PARTS ... IN WHICH we continue to explore a fascinating little guidebook for all aspiring Swell Coves, from 1840. It’s titled “Hints to Men-About-Town,” and was written by an anonymous knight of the lancet and bleeding-cup who identifies himself only as “The Old Medical Student.”

Not all of this is good medical advice, I'm sorry to say. There have been a few updates to the basic book of physic in the 185 years since this little guidebook was written.

IN THIS EPISODE we'll learn some late-Regency Best Practices on keeping up the appearance of being a fashionably heavy drinker without ending up with a horrible hangover, or with crude pictures of male body parts drawn on one's face with a Sharpie. (Was that a thing in 1840? Maybe not.)

NEXT TUESDAY, Part 3 is crammed with 185-year-old tips on how to prevent the many social, emotional, and especially medical issues that can challenge a fast young rake due to — hmm, how do I put this delicately? —excessive enjoyment of the company of friendly ladies.

Join us!