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7: Saying No

7: Saying No

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 Lara is speaking at a conference this week on a topic we immediately knew would be a good one for us to Unbox - Saying No. Non. Nej. Tidak. Hapana. It’s a word in just about every language because it’s a crucial one. (Rowan wanted to list about 40 more of them because he’s a language nerd. He would like to point out his self-restraint here.)Yet, despite its importance, the word “no” can come with a flurry of feelings both for the person who hears it and the one who says it. In this episode, we’re focusing on the latter. Why is saying “no” so difficult for some of us? What lessons did society teach us that make it harder? And what, if anything, can we do to make it easier? Is there a mindset shift that needs to happen? Does we get better at it over time?These are the thoughts we carry with us into this episode, and we hope something we said here helps make this small but powerful word a simpler one to use.No.Cha.Ora.Jo.(We’d better wrap this up before Rowan gets carried away again.)Transcript (please note, we don’t edit these so there could be some errors in the transcription)[00:00:00] Rowan: There are actually billions of people on the planet.you don't have to be the one to say yes to everything. it's that simple and I wish I had always known it was that simple, Because I didn't, I really thought for some reason that if I didn't do certain things, the sky would fall. Welcome back to unboxing it. I'm Lara.And I'm Rowan,[00:00:45] Lara: and we are going to talk about something today that I wanted to bring up. I am going to be speaking about this topic at a conference soon, and it is something that I know a lot of people struggle with and are honestly kind of afraid of, and it is the idea of figuring out how to say no.[00:01:05] Rowan: No, look, I just did it. Alright. Thanks for joining us today.[00:01:11] Lara: Um, yeah. Done just like this? No,[00:01:14] Rowan: no. Yeah. You can say it a bunch of way. You go nah or nope, nope. Is an option. Yep. I digress. I'm just, I'm just teasing. I actually have a really hard time saying no sometimes, so I'm looking forward to this episode.[00:01:26] Lara: Yeah, it's something that we struggle with. You know, I'm speaking at a conference where it's about specifically in the workplace. and so it can come up in lots of different ways where we feel like we should be agreeable, we should say yes, we should. And you know, should is not my favorite word. do what we can for people when they ask us to.However, doing everything all of the time for everybody, regardless of whether or not we have capacity is not good for anybody.[00:02:00] Rowan: You know what really gets me is that there are people who are just inherently good at saying no to things. I've met them, I've asked them for things, and they've said no.[00:02:11] Lara: Yeah,[00:02:11] Rowan: and I'm never really upset that they said no. I think just as somebody who's had to learn how to do it and doesn't always do it incredibly well, I'm more just in awe of them. And I think, you know, what is it? Is it upbringing? Were you just born like that? you know, or did you actually learn it?But it's so seamlessly a part of your life now that it doesn't seem like you're trying, it's just like rolls off the tongue.[00:02:40] Lara: It's probably all of those things depending on the person. And I think the more confident we are in why we're saying no, in the fact that we are not obligated to do things that don't work for us, the easier it gets to start saying it.And with so many of these things that we talk about, it's not easy at the beginning,[00:03:00] Lara: but it does get easier.[00:03:02] Rowan: it does get easier from experience. It really does. But let's start at the beginning, like why do you think some people have a hard time saying, no,[00:03:11] Lara: we're meant to be agreeable.That's how we've been told to be right. This goes back to all the societal expectations we have. We're meant to be agreeable. We're meant to try to be helpful as much as possible. we're meant to be selfless and saying no might feel selfish.[00:03:29] Rowan: Ooh, that word.[00:03:30] Lara: Mm-hmm.[00:03:31] Rowan: Nobody likes that word. Nobody likes to align themselves with the idea of being selfish.Right.[00:03:38] Lara: Which is what Saying no can feel like. If somebody asks you for something, and again, like I work with a lot of people, in their businesses who struggle with saying no. And some of it is they no longer have the capacity to do it all, and they really want to help, right? Somebody's asking them for something and they want to be able to do it.So how do you say no when it makes you feel like they need this help and I can do it. it feels so difficult and misaligned to say no, but again, we cannot do everything for everyone. It is simply not possible.[00:04:17] Rowan: So maybe also a bit of guilt or even shame, like if I don't help this person, if I don't do this thing that I know I technically can do if I ...

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