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Ep 141: How Generational Trauma Shapes Your Relationship with Money

Ep 141: How Generational Trauma Shapes Your Relationship with Money

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 Of all the topics we’ve explored over the years on the podcast, there's one we’ve never truly dissected, yet it silently dictates so much of our lives: money. It’s a subject often shrouded in shame and secrecy, but its influence is everywhere, in our relationships, our careers, and our sense of well-being.What if I told you that your financial habits, whether you’re a meticulous saver, an anxious spender, or someone who avoids looking at their bank account altogether might not be entirely your own?In a fascinating conversation with licensed professional counselor Marshaya Rountree, we uncovered just how deeply our financial behaviors are shaped by the generations that came before us. The research is staggering, suggesting we carry the emotional and psychological imprint of up to seven generations. Think about that. We are not that far removed from epic historical traumas that fundamentally influenced our family's access to and relationship with money.The Invisible Inheritance: From Historical Trauma to Your WalletFor many, especially within the BIPOC community, this isn't just abstract history. Marshaya pointed to the intentional systems, like chattel slavery, that were designed to prevent entire communities from building wealth. When a person's very existence was monetized for someone else's gain, it creates a profound and complicated dichotomy when it comes to now owning and managing money. There were no healing spaces to process this trauma, forcing survival modes that have been passed down through generations.But this echo of trauma isn’t limited to one community. I found myself reflecting on my own great-grandmother, born in the 1890s. She witnessed the invention of electricity in the home, two world wars, and the dawn of the automobile. She lived off the land and chilled food in a creek. The way she and my great-grandparents viewed money, born from a world of necessity and survival, undoubtedly shaped my grandparents. Even if it was never spoken about, my parents marinated in that mindset, which in turn influenced how I was raised. And that's only three generations back.Are You in a Toxic Relationship with Money? Your Financial Attachment StyleMarshaya introduced a groundbreaking concept: we develop attachment styles to money just as we do in our relationships. Where do you see yourself?* Secure Attachment: You have a budget and feel confident in it. You know where your money is going, you plan for rainy days, and while you’re not obsessive, you feel in control.* Insecure-Avoidant Attachment: You’d rather do anything than look at your bank statements or credit card bills. The very thought of it creates anxiety, so you just want the bills paid without knowing the details.* Insecure-Anxious Attachment: This is the hyper-vigilant checker. You check your bank account daily, maybe even after every transaction. Despite having a budget, you never feel truly secure that it’s working. This often stems from past financial hardships.* Insecure-Disorganized Attachment: A chaotic mix of the above, where you might feel like you have a handle on things, but a closer look reveals disarray.These styles are often forged in the crucible of our childhood. Did you witness money being weaponized in your home? Perhaps one parent controlled all the finances, leaving the other in a state of financial abuse. A child growing up in that environment might develop an anxious attachment, vowing to never be trapped in that way, yet finding themselves unable to trust a partner with merged finances.The Lie That Money Isn't EmotionalOne of the biggest fallacies is that money is purely logical. I can tell you from personal experience, it is profoundly emotional.Years ago, the business I co-owned with my family collapsed in the wake of the Lehman Brothers crash. We were financially decimated. I remember being curled up on my kitchen floor, my nervous system so wrecked with the visceral threat of not being able to pay my mortgage or buy food that I could barely breathe.In that moment of devastation, two things became crystal clear. First, I had given this thing—money—an immense amount of power over my ability to feel safe and secure. My joy and happiness had become conditional on having "enough". Second, I recognized that money is just a piece of paper. It's a piece of paper run through a printing press that we assign value to. That day, my relationship with money changed forever. I refused to let it hold my joy captive for the years it would take to recover.How to Start Healing Your Financial TraumaSo how do we begin to untangle these deep-seated beliefs and start healing? Marshaya offered a clear path forward:* Start with Radical Honesty: Come to the table with honesty about your financial situation, without the heavy cloak of self-judgment. Acknowledge what you know and what you don't.* Cultivate Awareness: This is the stepping stone for all healing. Get curious. Trace the thread of your beliefs. Ask yourself: ...

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