In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler discuss two types of change – counteractive change and transformational change – and how each one impacts healing. They also consider honesty, manipulation, and lying; and warn listeners of the danger of a partner claiming that they’ll never hurt you again.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:57] Defining counteractive change and transformational change.

[4:08] Early recovery almost always includes counteractive change.

[5:33] Honesty is a complicated request.

[9:37] Reflective and dissociative lying are learned behaviors.

[11:49] Trusting your gut around lying patterns.

[17:20] Lying to set boundaries and allow for self-preservation.

[22:32] Is this lie going to hurt my relationship?

[24:40] Counteractive change does not lead to deeper healing.

[29:55] Your partner cannot always be the catalyst for your behavior.

[34:10] Threatening is about control, not about fostering relationships.

[37:28] Trusting your own intuition and getting your needs met.

[41:40] How can I handle my betrayed partner’s indignation and anger?

[47:05] How can I respond to my partner’s promise to never hurt me again?

[53:18] How can I approach my extremely avoidant partner?

[56:07] My cheating partner was never going to tell me the truth. Now what?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “All lying is manipulative in the sense that you’re trying to manipulate the other person to think and feel a certain way.”

• “Trust your gut when you recognize a familiar pattern.”

• “Sometimes a person can change because they love someone else. Real transformative change happens because they love themselves.”

• “No relationship is healthy if it's filled with threats.”

• “Even if you could prove that acting out didn’t occur, that’s not the point. Your intuition is telling you that you have needs that aren’t being met.”

• “You cannot make any choice in life without accepting a loss.”