Hello, friends! Welcome to the Confessions of a Prison Pimp Podcast. After some careful consideration and taking in some thoughtful and helpful  listener feedback, I have decided to take a short break over the summer so I can work on improving the podcast. Don’t worry, though. I will be back in the fall, I promise! I’m not going anywhere. I simply need to give myself some time to get comfortable with Logic and to possibly reformat the podcast. I dunno. I do know I can make it better and I want to put more effort more efficiently into what I am doing. Although I am having a lot of fun with it, I also keep missing deadlines which makes the fun evaporate. I don’t like that and I know you don’t either. So, in order to make Confessions of a Prison Pimp the best it can be, here are at least three improvements you can and should expect upon my return:  1. Education. I will take the time to finish the Logic Pro X and Final Cut Pro X classes I started. I thought I could get by with a few tricks I picked up on YouTube, but It’s simply taking me too long to produce the episodes and I still don’t feel like I am properly mastering the audio. Once I improve my Logic skills, that should drastically reduce the time it currently takes to produce each episode which has been another big problem.   2. Storytelling. I will continue to produce the show over the summer, even though I won’t be publishing episodes. Then, when I return, I will release a batch of episodes that you can binge. A “binge batch” if you will. No? Okay. Because I am approaching the story from a topical standpoint instead of on a linear timeline, there is quite a bit of jumping around. To compensate, I thought releasing all of the foundational episodes out together would help you, my dear listeners, to follow what the heck is going on. Imagine going to IKEA and getting four legs this Saturday, then four cam locks the following Saturday, and then the Saturday after that oh look it’s that useless earthquake strap that everyone on the east coast and not in Oklahoma throw away. The point is, it would be really hard to follow over such a protracted period. But, if you had all of those pieces at the same time, you would easily see how they fit together without having to constantly remind yourself what a cam lock is and where it goes. Plus, who doesn’t love a good podcast to binge when the weather gets cooler?   3. The Book. I will be working on the book over the summer as well. Shocker, I know, but the podcast has suffocated the book and, so far, I have hardly touched it. I think the book needs to be at least halfway finished so that the podcast is filling in the gaps without giving too much of the story away. If you would like a heads up when the show is about to resume, you can follow me on Facebook and Twitter or go to my website and sign up for my newsletter. I will continue to be active on social media and I will put out an update with a revised release schedule and the show will resume and I guarantee there will be some cool perks to signing up for my mailing list. I know this is sudden, but it really is for the best. I want to put out the best possible podcast and I just don’t feel like I’m doing that right now. It’s a disservice to you and to myself and we all deserve better!  I want to thank everyone who listened to last week’s episode and came back for more. Thank you as well. It means a lot to me and I sincerely appreciate it! If you haven’t already subscribed to the podcast, please do so now so that you will be the first to learn of my return and you will catch any special updates as they are released. I love you all and I will talk to you soon!  Today’s Musical Selections:

Busted A/C Unit by Holizna Pedalrider by Blue Dot Sessions

UPDATE 02-JUL-2022: I have attempted to fix the levels and edited out about 20 minutes of garbage, then added back some new material. I know some of you may have bailed mid-way through so I hope you will give me another chance as I learn how to be the best podcast host I can be!

This week, I will introduce you to the ups and downs of prison phone systems, you’ll hear Dan’s voice for the first time, as well as the love of his life who was also supposed to be my roommate and girlfriend. I also want to warn you ahead of time about this part, you’ll hear the first time Dan really showed me his dark side. It was difficult for me to listen to again and, for those who might be triggered by verbal abuse or threats of violence, I’ll warn you before that section starts in case you want to skip ahead a bit. After that, I’ll downshift into playing seven of the most awkward, cringeworthy audio clips from prison calls. And finally, you’ll hear just one of many moments at the end of a call where Dan really was being a sweetheart.

1. Dan tells me about his birthday card (1:51)
2. Musings on different types of sausage (6:20)
3. Typical audio issues with GTL and Connect Network (11:04)
4. Less like a love triangle and more like a fifth wheel (14:38)
5. Questions sometimes make Dan angry (19:48)
6. Trigger Warning: Abusive Language & Threats (27:56-30:18)
7. 8-3-1 (32:15)
8. Top 7 Cringe-inducing phone call clips (33:02)

National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-7233

National Grad Crisis Line (877) 472-3457

National Sexual Assault Hotline (800) 656-4673

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255

Writers Drinking Coffee podcast: https://www.writersdrinkingcoffee.com

Pictures of KITTEHS on my website: https://keeganpatterson.com

Busted A/C Unit & Get Evil by Holizna Cran Ras by Blue Dot Sessions Via Verre by Blue Dot Sessions The Records by Blue Dot Sessions The Caspian Sea by Blue Dot Sessions Borough by Blue Dot Sessions Club Moka by Blue Dot Sessions Gilroy by Blue Dot Sessions Plum Blossom by Blue Dot Sessions Aloscape 2 by Blue Dot Sessions

Do you have questions you'd like me to answer or stories to share? Any questions, comments, or critique? Feel free to text or call and leave a message at +1 360-474-PIMP That's +1 360-474-7467.

You can also connect with me at at

            The Prison Pimp Website, on our

            Facebook page, or on

            Twitter Also, come see our first

            YouTube

This week, I will walk you through my top five jPay pet peeves and solutions to avoid those mistakes. I’ll also read a  jPay message from Dan that is both touching and prohpetic. You’ll see. 

1. The App Crashes (1:42)
2. Search functionality sucks or is missing (2:45)
3. Your data isn’t necessarily yours (3:48)
4. No communication when problems occur (5:08)
5. Tech support is confusing and shifts blame (9:42)

Busted A/C Unit & Bus Stop by Holizna

            JoDon by Blue Dot Sessions

Rue Severine by Blue Dot Sessions

Do you have questions you'd like me to answer or stories to share? Any questions, comments, or critique? Feel free to text or call and leave a message at +1 360-474-PIMP That's +1 360-474-7467.

You can also connect with me at at

            The Prison Pimp Website, on our

            Facebook page, or on

            Twitter Also, come see our first

            YouTube