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#58: Lead The Way – Own The Wreckage

#58: Lead The Way – Own The Wreckage

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 #58: LEAD THE WAY – OWN THE WRECKAGE Men, Save Your Marriage – The Leadership Series (Episode 7) INTRO: THE MOST HUMBLING STEP A MAN CAN TAKE Welcome back to Men, Save Your Marriage. You’re listening to Episode 7 in our Lead the Damn Way series—and today we’re going into the fire. This isn’t an easy episode. But it might be the most important one of the entire series. Because if you want to lead… If you want to rebuild trust, respect, and intimacy… If you want your wife to see you as a man again— As someone she can follow, desire, and believe in— Then you have to start with what most men avoid at all costs: You have to own the wreckage. Not just your version of the story. Not just the parts you feel justified in. Not just the clean, easy pieces that make you look noble. You own all of it. You step into the wreckage your leadership created, allowed, or ignored. You admit: The pain you caused, even if you didn’t intend it. The distance you allowed, even if you weren’t the first to pull away. The responsibility you abandoned, even if your excuses felt valid at the time. This is the start of real masculine leadership. Not finger-pointing. Not image protection. Not spinning the story. This isn’t about guilt. It’s not about shame. This is about taking your power back. By telling the truth. By standing tall. By becoming the kind of man who can say, “This was mine. I see it now. And it changes today.” Let’s dig in. POINT 1: YOU CAN’T LEAD WHAT YOU WON’T OWN You’ve heard it said, “lead by example.” But most men think that just means work hard, provide well, and keep your nose clean. That’s not what leadership means. Not in a marriage. Not in a home. Not in a kingdom. Leadership means: You go first. You go first in confession. You go first in ownership. You go first in humility—not because you're the worst, but because you're the leader. So many men want their wife to come back to them. They want their kids to respect them again. They want their family to heal. But they’re still walking around saying: “Well, she gave up first.” “She was cold to me.” “She cheated.” “She disrespected me in front of the kids.” And maybe all of that is true. But here’s the question that separates men from boys: “What kind of man do I want to become from this point forward?” Because blaming her? That gives her all the control. Owning your part? That gives you the authority to lead again. Let me say it another way: Blame keeps you weak. Ownership makes you powerful. Leadership begins the moment you say: “No more deflection. No more blame. I allowed things I should’ve stopped. I failed to protect what I should’ve cherished. I didn’t show up the way my wife, my kids, and my mission needed me to. And I take full responsibility.” That’s the turning point. Let’s get practical: Here are some patterns you may need to own: Drifting emotionally. Being in the house but not with your wife. Using work as an escape. Staying busy so you never have to deal with the emotional mess. Shutting down in conflict. Avoiding tension instead of stepping into it with strength. Letting porn replace pursuit. Checking out of intimacy and replacing it with fantasy. Prioritizing everything except her. Saying yes to hobbies, work, and obligations—but never her. Playing the victim. Turning every hard moment into a reason why you’re the one who’s mistreated. It’s not about being a monster. It’s about being honest enough to say: “I let these things grow in the house I was supposed to protect. I see it now. I own it. And I’m done.” That’s how you begin to rebuild respect. STORY: FROM DENIAL TO DOMINION – THE MAN WHO CHANGED Let me tell you a story about a man I coached named Eli. Eli looked like a solid husband on paper. He worked 60 hours a week to provide. He never cheated. He never raised a hand. He went to church. Paid the bills. Mowed the lawn. But Eli’s wife felt utterly alone. She had tried to talk to him. She had begged for deeper connection. She had asked him to stop avoiding conflict, to engage with the kids, to simply be present. And every time, Eli dismissed it. He said: “You’re overreacting.” “I’m just tired from work.” “Can we not do this right now?” So over time, she gave up. She stopped trying. She shut down emotionally. And one day, she packed her bags and moved out. That’s when Eli came to me—still confused, still defending himself. “I never did anything wrong. I never yelled. I never cheated. I never lied.” But he did neglect. He did emotionally abandon. He did protect his own comfort over their connection. So we started the work. The first thing I had him do was write a letter. A full page—not defending himself, not blaming her—just owning the wreckage. In the letter, he wrote lines like: “I now see what I didn’t want to see. I see that your loneliness was real. ...

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