Many of my listeners write to me, and they often want to know how to deal with a gaslighting narcissist. The narcissist twist and turns everything around, and he disorients you. You don’t know what is real and what is imagined anymore. You are helpless to the torture techniques and the mind control that is being launched on you right now.
You might want to know what qualifies me to write a book about gaslighting. Well, I was the lucky victim of a mass gaslighting effort that spanned far too long and too wide. You would be shocked at how far and wide-reaching the infamous gaslighting event went with the narcissist who claimed to the high heavens that he didn’t have any friends (that turned out to be the furthest thing from the truth).
NPD DSM Criteria
Before we can analyze the narcissist, we must first get to know the narcissist and his true motivations and his true nature. We will analyze the traits of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM IV) criteria:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
- Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
- Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
- Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors, or attitudes
- The definition of gaslighting
A person who gaslights uses gaslighting as a coping mechanism to manage their world. The gaslighter is so neurotic and psychotic that he plays God with other people’s minds and lives. The gaslighting narcissist will never change - I repeat - he will never change.
You are not going to save him, change him, reform him, make him see the light, teach him to be a better person, teach him to love, or love him into a healthier state. It isn’t possible. Cut your losses, and move on.
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