Being honest about how I feel is tricky when sometimes I don’t even know. My depression, anxiety, and old patterns of thinking can be deceiving, convincing me that nothing is wrong when I’m actually really struggling. It reminds me of alcoholism itself. The very disease that was killing me was also the disease keeping me from seeing I was sick. Sometimes I’m ignoring something on purpose, but often I’m avoiding or postponing without even realizing it.

I’ve noticed that sometimes I’m white-knuckle my own fists, not gripping anything at all. It’s like clenching my jaw with TMJ. When I notice it and unclench, that’s surrender. I’m letting go. Recovery works the same way. Every time I loosen my grip and admit my true feelings, I’m surrendering. Only then can I see what’s happening inside me and take action to respond. Honesty is a minute-by-minute practice of opening my hands, unclenching my jaw, and letting go of what was never mine to control.

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