Note: This interview was originally published on Audible.com.
Mel Robbins's latest Audible Original, , dares us to tune out others in order to tap into our own potential. Here, I asked the bestselling author of to walk us through the moment inspiration struck, how we can take steps today to let go of external expectations and validation while avoiding common pitfalls, and what she’s personally aiming to accomplish this year.
Rachael Xerri: How did you come up with The Let Them Theory? Was there an aha moment similar to when you invented The 5 Second Rule?
Mel Robbins: As silly as it seems, my aha moment with The Let Them Theory came at my son’s high school prom. Long story short, I was trying to micromanage a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with me. And although this may seem like a small thing, it really made me reflect on how much time and energy I spent trying to control people and situations that I simply couldn’t.
I wanted people to like me. I wanted them to approve of my career choices. I wanted grocery store lines to move faster. I wanted my favourite bagel shop to have the bagels I wanted. I wanted my friends to include me. In short, I wanted to control how everyone else was living their lives.
As you can imagine, this was not only useless—because you’ll never be able to control anyone but yourself—but it was also exhausting. Think about how much of your energy goes toward wishing others were different.
The second I started saying “Let Them,” I felt this massive weight lift off me. I was less stressed, less frustrated and less drained. And a funny thing happened: The more I stopped trying to control others—caring about their opinions, tiptoeing around their emotions or trying to control their actions—the better my relationships became.
The “Let Them" theory is the single greatest tool I have found for improving my relationships with other people and with myself.
Why do we spend so much energy thinking about what others think of us, and what’s the first step toward breaking free?
It’s totally normal to spend time thinking about what others think of us. Humans are social animals. For thousands of years, our survival depended on belonging to a group or tribe—we evolved to rely on each other, to work together and to thrive best when we’re connected. Being accepted and liked by others meant safety, resources and protection. In short, our brains are wired to crave belonging because, for much of human history, rejection could mean life or death.Even though this instinct is natural and makes sense, in today’s modern world, it can lead to a lot of problems: chronic people-pleasing, not pursuing your goals or passions for fear of what others will think, and constantly second-guessing yourself just to fit in.The first step toward breaking free from this instinct is accepting a simple truth: You will never be able to control what other people think of you. You can say the right things, do the right things, show up as perfectly as you know how—and still, there will be people who don’t like you, misunderstand you or judge you. This is where the first part of the “Let Them" theory comes in: think bad things about you. Because you cannot control them.Once you accept that nothing you do will ever give you control over other people’s thoughts or opinions, you can shift your focus to what you control: your actions, your integrity and how you choose to show up in the world. This is the second, and most important, part of the “Let Them" theory: Let Me pursue what I want regardless of what people think. Let Me speak my truth even if I know it will disappoint someone. When you stop trying to curate other people’s perceptions of you, suddenly, you reclaim all that energy to focus on what truly matters—how feel about yourself.One of the most common traps is seeking validation from everyone before taking action. It’s natural to want reassurance, but when you wait for everyone to agree with your choices or approve of your goals, you give away your power. Not everyone will see your vision—and that’s okay. Your progress can’t depend on other people’s permission.
