Master Alchemist, I am assigned the task of transmuting

every elemental energy and emotion without judgment or reactivity,

Sacred Neutral, every step I take is leading to my happiness

I practice as the yidam even though I feel like an undeveloped fetus

like a raw peeled shrimp from the lower realms

the alchemical centers are the glands of the endocrine system

the chakras, they are the autonomic foci of the nervous system

portals from the subtle dimensions into the physical body

fusion of sun and moon in each one

Master Alchemist, the knowing of this

the need to balance it with development of the human

the paradox of needing to practice in these profound secret ways

just to tolerate being in this body

and in contact with other humans and form

forgiveness of the looking forward to new sweaters and crystals

and things that I don’t even really want

we do our deity yoga first, manifest as our yidam

and then command the protectors to protect us

from that point of view

they are part of our spiritual Sangha, expressions of Buddha activity

they are our spiritual immune system

commanding the elements and the miracles,

commanding the orders of angels and the protectors

commanding from my God self

from the place of union and inseparability

I must activate the bellows to be in my body

difficult when in ordinary non-ceremonial life

but necessary if I am to be in Presence in every moment

a cleansing mental, physical and spiritual shower

somehow, I need Protectors for this

I must ask and receive, but somehow use my volition

maybe nectar up, as the rain pounds on my body, the dead body

the shame is hard to bear

I stay inside, I stay deep inside with the writhing

I cut the roots of the glaring projections

I cut the roots of the ones who are drawn to them and grab for them egg on the face

the passionate holy camels tenderly eat it off with their swimming lips

the accidental running into them

without eye contact or acknowledgment is painful

since confusion is due to afflictive emotions

it is held that freedom comes

from making emotions themselves the path, this is fortunate

hatred for her face, rage for his profile,

as they waited for their hamburgers

Angels of Mercy, Dove of Shekinah‘s Grace

fractured souls, fragmented psyches, grief and devastation

I submit to the cleansing shower, like a shivering dog in a bathtub

when the dark night of the soul persists do not resist

the rebirthing process, stay connected, that is the key

all spiritual approaches must culminate in the approach

of the Vajra Heart Essence, being impossible

to attain Buddhahood without perceiving this doorway

I made a vow to him one night as we were still damp

from sweat and heat, I said, I pledge you my Truth

he spoke of the Nature of Mind

allowing boundary to arise from adoring care of self and other

free from aggression

when there is discomfort or negativity in the dream

the practice is to bring Love to it

I understand the fractured soul, the fragmented psyche

the kind where the mother tries to destroy the child

or the mother kills herself

it makes for a very different kind of life and practice

we take care with the story and positionality

the fear of the softness, of the reverence, the vulnerability

the fear of being seen in that place

the shame of previous profane thinking and acting

the fear of remembering the connection with him and the reverence the sacred opening, remembering, remembering

the words, the prayers, the songs, they penetrate me, I am split open

my passion shows on my face, and in my body, my deepest desire

sacrifice, to make sacred, everything that I think is, or was, profane

my teeth are pearly white, I sing the Song of my Highest Destiny

I want to be lying down when the serpents come alive

and start to dance. Vase Body

my Father, the Creator, gives me what you hear me say

and what you see me do

the Mother of Wisdom, Shekinah-Sophia, the Holy Spirit of Truth

bears witness to this

becoming aware that I was in the death process for years

continually resisting the rebirthing, the initiations

I did not realize what was happening, or know how to do it

I did not know how to let concrete reality dissolve gracefully

and safely at the time, while raising two daughters

the yearning for him, to be close to him

I don’t indulge it or inflame it and I don’t deny it

I let it come out and I let it be, I let it rest, I let it breathe and be seen

I stand on the top of the ridge

before Grandfather Sun and the Sky Grandmothers

with all of my Relations and the Angels of the Tree of Life

with the Stone People and my Magdalene brothers and sisters

I speak out loud…I want, I need, I love, I feel, I am seen

I rest in the light of day, I start with my roots through my feet

breathe up, resting in the bowl of my womb, alive

breathing up through the gates, the Nectar, the life force

my heart it swells, it is afraid, I let it burst up through the corridors

Cosmic Buddha Christ, Angels of the side bodies

offering up the red death, offering up the white glare

I take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha, my True Essence

Divine Mother, who never fails me

we breathe in, we breathe out, we sing

I stroke my arms and my hips, I stride with dignity

I rest in the Beingness that I Am