I am the warrior, I am focused, determined, disciplined, and devoted.

Ground, path, and fruition. Hunger for the firm masculine.

When the vow is broken or given back

it feels like your soul is being ripped out of your body .

visceral like the stomach flu. when you are being woken up

from a comatose sleep by the heaving in the belly

that has a mind of its own.

The states are so extreme, now I am in separation,

glazed and numb and harsh,

now I’m in my body, falling into the pit of agony,

the pit of dark suffocation and flaccid men, still separation

we draw the root up and let the shakti spin the wheels

of alchemical fervor, press against me, beloved, a new life is born

free from ignorance, grasping and aversion

Enlightenment happens with the eyes open

Wind is breath, it is prana, life force,

we want the channels breathing well, flowing well,

not too much, not too little,

rhythmic alterations of heat and bliss .

Melted bindus, drops of light through channels.

Small boy with dark hair and sawed-off tennis racket swings wildly,

he sometimes hits the pink fluorescent ball

and sometimes just combs the air, now he swings so strongly

that he flings himself to the ground, he gets up unconcerned

Lama Khyen, Lama Khyen, Guru, watch over me

Let the view be as vast as the sky, descend with it,

let the conduct be as refined as the finest barley flour, ascend with it

We listen to the words of a teaching, thank you

they are someone else’s interpretations but steady, steady

no need to let the mind fixate or projections gain power

we still bow to the Inner Guru

the blessing of having a rich sexual yogic practice with your partner

the sacred consort who is a good match,

this alone does not bring you to enlightenment

but it is the profound fulfillment of one aspect of life in form

Yuthok, my deepest desires…

mind training, Lojong , body training Lujong

we can spend the day training in breath, breath in the body,

feeling in the body, the desire body,

breath in the belly, breath in the emotions, gentle here

I receive the Four Empowerments through the strength

of my commitment, the Samaya, and I pass out

of the two witnesses hold the principal one

it may all be illusion, but it is holographic

every cell, every emotional frequency of this vehicle

that’s what the body is for, blessed service

faint sunlight on new green shingles on the roof next door

my friend in the sauna yesterday said,

I’m sensitive, but I’m glad I’m not as sensitive as you.

extra slab of flesh on my belly, too much popcorn and chocolate

impulse to try to soothe through the mouth,

which only seems to inflame it. except for one thing

smell touch taste, sharing tendrils of light.

though my mouth did not inflame, my desire for him did,

a thousandfold, so be it. now I suffer the loss

the mouth thinks it wants to be filled

the hole thinks it wants to be filled, but then they feel sick.

They don’t want to be filled. They want to be soothed.

They want the movement of the milk, of the nectar, through them

but not filled up like a closed container , movement through

seed essence through Mandala, fill my chalice with elixir

it overflows and then shatters, hanging onto nothing.

The shadow parts hide in the holes, but they want to be found.

The hands want to touch from the hole,

the eyes want to look from the hole, but they will never be satisfied. We take the eyeballs for a walk around the sacred circle

with the Rapid Awakened Protector,

with the pink Medicine Buddha. Supreme Glory Free from Sorrow,

with the Swift One of Heroic Glory, with the Immortal Yogi, vase body

and everything starts to drain, we empty out,

empty out all the channels and holes

shame perpetuates the unconscious trance of acting out the karma

protector, partner, lover, and sexual consort, father to children, intimate friend , the holy vow, Medicine Husband,

respect of man and woman for each other, Reindeer Husband,

crystal rod in my spine, Christ Light between the antlers.

unrelenting grief and shame that he does not want me for his wife, understanding this makes no sense, it was never a possibility.

the romantic projection of a one and only everlasting true love dissolves in the embodied awareness

that I am already inseparable from my Twin Flame Beloved.

but what about my love story Magdalena?

the stomach tries to not feel the pain,

thereby shutting down the pleasure

Bhakti of unconditional love and devotion

direct transmission of lavender-scented honey

stars and serpents in the Tree of Life, pinecone in the brain

Taku Skanskan, Holy Breath, all that moves

I played more music for us and the lovemaking, hours at a time

than I have played for myself in the past nine years

forgiveness for self that the listening to music

can be so evocative of sorrow and unfulfilled longing

pulsating rhythms, medicine songs in Spanish

tender melodies, and everything in between