Ladies, are modern day options crippling? Do you spend way too much time deciding between which primary color to wear and enjoy the thrill of voting against your basic needs? Well do we have a future for you!

Kelly puts all her eggs in Margaret Atwood's basket. This Canadian author wrote a long form poem that chills, maybe not thrills, but certainly instills a fear for our future autonomy. We humans need love, touch, communication, and most importantly...to read. Apparently "my body my choice" translates into Latin as "Nolite Te Bastardes Carborundorum."

Civil war! Canada! Men! Clitoridectomies! The tv series The Handmaid's Tale might not have the subtle haunting poetry of the novel, but the bodies be swinging under his eye. If you don't want to delve in the cold waters of prose to understand how your human rights are at stake, maybe Elizabeth Moss' face will get you freaked enough to swear off red. Commander Jimmy certainly thinks so.

If you're Offred or just Off-men we've got you covered. Whether you choose book or TV show, it's a perfect May Day for a revolution.

It's a bird! No, it's a plane! No, it's just a supermodel swan diving off the balcony. Some might call it foul play so it's up to a British sleuth(s)and these American readers to get to the bottom of it. But first, let's hit the pub and pick up a special guest to help us solve the murder of the teleplay for the Cormoran Strike Series.

Kelly has found a friend to help defend JKRowling's pseudonym and detective series. She'd use their pronouns but that might not jive with the author. Regardless, the book holds strong as a fun read with a shocking and impactful twist. Developed characters make for better red herrings... to not agree is plain cuckoo.

Jimmy might not have a leg to stand on but he tries his best to pass off this Max's miniseries as watchable. If they had the HBO money daytime television could really be brought to new heights. Oh well, it's not worth drawing a hot bath over.

Don't leave us chilling on the balcony, help us pour the piping hot tea on this special birthday episode.

Is that love in the air? Gross, put my ball gag back in for some autoerotic asphyxiation. Welcome to Fifty Shades of Grey, a book and movie as vibrant as its slate color scheme. XXX content? More like Zzz's.

EL James might not know what BDSM is or how a 21 year old woman talks, but that didn't stop her from riff'ing off Twilight. Kelly could defend her...but in the words of the author "Holy Cow, it's so hard." Thesaurus' were spanked within an inch of their limit and e-mails tied up the plot with handcuffs.

Jimmy made it through watching the film and gave it a whole half a star for the effort. Can excessive lip biting save a romance film without any chemistry? The red room of pain was the movie theatre and we all felt like Dakota Johnson... sore and a little bewildered how we got here. Nothing a pair of stolen set panties can't fix.

If you want whips and chains... maybe skip this book/movie. Cause it's vanilla (laters) baby.