We often say “grief and loss.”

But what if it’s actually loss first — then grief?

In this episode, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT and Dr. Kevin Skinner, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT explore the profound and often unnamed experience of loss after betrayal — and how grief emerges only after we cognitively realize what has actually been taken from us.

Because betrayal is not just trauma.

It is the loss of:

• The reality you thought you were living

• The identity you believed you held

• Your sense of stability

• Your worth

• Your attachment security

• The future you imagined

At first, there is shock. Survival. Chaos.

It may take months — sometimes a year or more — before the mind can say:

“This is grief.”

That cognitive realization changes everything.

Betrayal involves the loss of:

• The reality you believed you were living

• The partner you thought you knew

• Your internal stability

• Your identity

• Your sense of worth

Only when the loss is named can grief begin to organize.

Without language, pain remains chaotic. MaryAnn references the German word Schmerz — deep emotional and mental anguish — capturing the soul-level rupture many betrayed partners experience.

When we can say, “I am grieving,” healing begins.

Betrayal often destabilizes self-trust and worth. Healing requires:

• Re-identifying personal value

• Validating your emotional experience

• Rebuilding trust with yourself

• Securely attaching to yourself

Attachment research (Bowlby; Mikulincer & Shaver) supports this internal reorganization as part of recovery.

Telling your story helps the brain reorganize trauma. Research by James Pennebaker shows that expressive writing reduces depressive symptoms and improves emotional integration.

Each time the story is told:

• Meaning deepens

• Emotional intensity shifts

• Integration strengthens

The story changes because healing is occurring.

Grief is not a stage to bypass — it is a process to move through.

As described in grief research (Worden), healing involves:

1. Acknowledging the loss

2. Feeling the pain

3. Adjusting to a new reality

4. Reinvesting in life with meaning

Resilience grows when grief is honored — not rushed.

• Grief After Betrayal Scale

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Selected References

• Bowlby, Loss: Sadness and Depression

• Mikulincer & Shaver, Attachment in Adulthood

• Worden, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy

• Pennebaker, Opening Up

If you are navigating betrayal:

You are not weak. You are not overreacting. You are grieving.

And grief honored becomes strength reclaimed.

Grieving through Burbles, Triggers, and Trauma-Anniversaries,

with Dr. Karen Strange

Episode Summary

Grief is something every human experiences—but grief after betrayal trauma carries a unique kind of pain. In this episode, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT and Dr. Karen Strange PhD, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT continue their powerful series on grief and betrayal, exploring why healing feels messy, unpredictable, and often overwhelming.

If you’ve ever wondered why emotions hit you out of nowhere, sometimes even decades later… why you feel numb one day and furious the next… or why your body seems to remember things your mind tries to forget—this conversation will help you feel seen, validated, and less alone.

Together, they discuss the truth many betrayed partners discover: betrayal can feel like a death—not only of a relationship, but of identity, safety, and the future you thought you were building.

This episode is compassionate, raw, and deeply grounding for anyone navigating the emotional aftermath of sexual betrayal.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why grief is not linear—and why it often feels like a “squiggly mess”

• How betrayal trauma mirrors the death of a relationship and the loss of reality

• Why people often experience grief as confusion, powerlessness, and loss of self

• What “delayed grief” is and why emotions can resurface years later

• Why numbness is a normal survival response (and not a sign you’re broken)

• How “trauma-versaries” can affect the body even when you don’t realize it

• The importance of having your story witnessed—without someone trying to “silver line” your pain

• How anger and rage can show up in grief, and how to safely discharge that energy through the body

• Why acceptance is often the moment emotions begin to intensify—not disappear

A Powerful Reminder:

Grief doesn’t end. It evolves.

And healing doesn’t mean you never feel pain again—it means learning how to honor what you’ve lost, hold compassion for yourself, and create space for your story to land.

If This Episode Resonated With You…

Please like and share it with someone who may be silently carrying grief after betrayal. You are not alone, and you were never meant to heal alone.

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Resources and References

• Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying.

• Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

• Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly.

• Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger.

• Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice.

• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion.

• Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised Grief.

• Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal Trauma.

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.

• Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body.

Episode Title: The Grief of Betrayal: Loss that No One Talks About

Healing from sexual betrayal is not something you were meant to do alone. In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, host MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is joined again by Kris Cristiano, LCSW, CSAT, for an honest and grounding conversation about one of the most misunderstood aspects of betrayal trauma recovery: grief.

Together, MaryAnn and Kris explore how grief is not only connected to death, but to the loss of an entire reality—safety, trust, identity, expectations, and the future a betrayed partner believed they were living toward. They discuss why betrayal trauma creates a uniquely destabilizing grief experience, particularly because the loss is non-consensual and often leaves partners feeling disoriented, unsafe, and unable to trust their own perceptions.

This episode also highlights why healing requires connection, not isolation. Betrayed partners often carry their pain silently due to shame, fear, or a desire to protect their spouse’s reputation. MaryAnn and Kris emphasize that grief must be witnessed and validated in order for the nervous system to stabilize and for healing to begin.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, numb, angry, or stuck, this episode offers language, clarity, and hope—reminding listeners that grief can become part of your story, but it does not have to become your identity.

• Why grief is a core component of betrayal trauma recovery

• How grief is not just about death, but about the loss of a familiar life

• The difference between traditional grief and betrayal-related grief

• How betrayal disrupts the nervous system and creates disorientation

• Why grief is not linear (and why that matters for healing)

• The impact of shame, secrecy, and “walking wounded” isolation

• How community and safe connection help regulate emotional overwhelm

• Why grief must be witnessed and validated to heal

• How to begin identifying personal losses after betrayal

• Hope for moving forward without being defined by betrayal

• Betrayal grief often includes the loss of identity, future dreams, and safety.

• Many trauma symptoms (anger, anxiety, hypervigilance, numbness) are grief responses.

• Healing happens through support and connection—grief is not meant to be carried alone.

• The goal is not to erase the story, but to integrate it without being consumed by it.

• Disenfranchised grief (grief that isn’t socially recognized or supported)

• The importance of validation and witnessing in the healing process

• Neurobiology of grief and how the brain struggles to reorient after betrayal

• The Human Intimacy Conference (March 13–14)

Rise Companion Course: humanintimacy.com, Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal Questions / Contact: info@humanintimacy.com (send questions you'd like addressed at the Human Intimacy Conference) Human Intimacy Conference: March 13–14 (Online + recordings available) Use: 30OFF promo code

MaryAnn and guests will the grief series in upcoming weeks, including:

• Delayed grief

• Attachment patterns and grief

• How to live with grief without losing yourself

Please consider sharing this podcast with someone who may be suffering in silence. Healing is hard—but you don’t have to do it alone.