Many of us grow up believing love is something we earn.

If we behave the right way, meet expectations, and avoid disappointing people, we receive love. When we fall short, that love disappears.

But that belief quietly creates resentment in relationships.

In this episode, I talk about the shift that changed how I show up in my marriage. For years I tried to make people feel loved—by sacrificing, giving more, and doing everything right. But when appreciation didn’t come back the way I hoped, frustration built underneath the surface.

We’re talking about:

• Why love often becomes transactional without us realizing it

• How conditional love creates resentment in marriage

• The difference between loving someone and trying to control them

• The relationship skill most couples never learn: tolerating disappointment

Marriage guarantees disappointment. The real skill is learning how to handle it without withdrawing love or punishing each other.

Couples Retreat

Brent and I are hosting a couples retreat at the end of April for couples who want to break old relationship patterns and build something healthier together.

Find more details HERE.

We also offer one partial scholarship for couples who need financial support.

You can APPLY HERE.

What if the real reason you keep having the same fight isn’t the topic… but the role you automatically slip into?

In part two of this conversation, Brent and I unpack the exact pattern that kept our conflict on repeat—pressure vs. people-pleasing—and the two skills that finally helped us change it: curiosity and courage. We talk about Terry Real’s idea of practicing the opposite of your default conflict behavior, and why “seeking to understand” only works when it isn’t a sneaky way to win.

You’ll hear the framework that shifted everything for us (the blind men and the elephant), plus a real-life example we’re still practicing: how we navigate a parenting decision we can’t just agree to disagree on (how many school days our kids miss for travel).

If you’re tired of circular arguments, this episode will help you:

1. spot your “default” conflict move (and what it costs you)
2. stay anchored in your perspective without shutting down your partner
3. ask questions that build connection instead of ammunition
4. move from compromise to collaboration—especially in parenting calls

Want support applying this to your relationship? We have a few spots open for our upcoming retreat, and you can also schedule a complimentary 1:1 with Brent and me.

Conflict in marriage is inevitable, but the way you handle it can either build trust or slowly drain the relationship.

In this episode, Brent and I are sharing what conflict looked like over 12 years together… and the patterns that didn’t work: peacekeeping that turned into resentment, arguing to win, shutting down, and trying to “hold space” in a way that left one of us voiceless.

We talk about:

1. Why “we never fight” isn’t the goal
2. How resentment builds when you avoid hard conversations
3. What happens when conflict becomes a debate
4. The “Cinnabon argument” that exposed our losing strategies
5. A real fight from this week and the small shift that helped us repair

This is Part 1 — heavy on how it used to be, and why we stayed stuck for so long.

Come back next week for Part 2, where we’ll share what we’re doing now that’s helping us have healthier conflict, recover faster, and actually feel connected on the other side.