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The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist

Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse
Narrated by: Debbie Mirza
Length: 6 hrs and 42 mins
4.5 out of 5 stars (28 ratings)

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Publisher's Summary

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse is the most comprehensive and helpful audiobook on the topic of covert narcissism. This type of narcissism is one of the most damaging forms because the abuse is so hidden and so insidious. You can be in a relationship that can last for decades and not realize you are being psychologically and emotionally controlled, manipulated, and abused. 

These people are well-liked; they are often the pillars of the community. Parents, spouses, bosses, and friends who are covert narcissists come across as the nicest people. They can be spiritual leaders, they are moms who bring over casseroles to needy people, they are the bosses who everyone loves and feels so lucky to work for. 

These relationships are incredibly confusing and damaging. They leave you questioning your own sanity and reality. Even though they are treating you terribly, you wonder if you are the problem, if you are the one to blame. You are filled with constant self-doubt when it comes to these people in your life. When you are around them, you feel confused and muddled inside. You have a hard time seeing clearly. 

These relationships can bring you to a state of deep depression and complete depletion of energy. You may wonder if you will ever see clearly and heal from these destructive and debilitating relationships. 

This audiobook will give you hope that you can heal and feel alive again, or maybe for the first time. You will learn what the traits of a covert narcissist are, as well as how they control and manipulate. Your eyes will open, and your experience will be validated. You will also learn ways to heal and actually enjoy life again. 

Debbie Mirza uses decades of her own experience with covert narcissists as well as her years of practice as a life coach who specializes in helping people recover and heal from these types of relationships.

©2017 Debra Mirza (P)2018 Debra Mirza

What members say

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empowering read

This book picked me up just when I needed it. It gave me some hope that I can be strong enough to leave. It's a nourishing book that made me feel loved.

2 people found this helpful

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Exceptional and eye opening book.

Very useful and helpful information, tools and advices based on real people and stories. Loved this book.

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absolutely awful

I could NOT listen to this at all after the first couple of chapters. Clearly the author has a bone to pick with humans they have interacted with in the past and the rants are painful to bear. In other words, if you disagree with someone who is in the personality range of being more neurotic or less assertive then you can jolly well class yourself as a covert narcissistic, painfully and chronically harming innocent victims. Unscientific rambling, a bit like this review. But i didnt get people to pay for it.

2 people found this helpful

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My eyes are open finally

A book to help you open your eyes to your own experiences. To move from your own denial of the facts to knowing the truth as hard as that is.

I felt heard and listened to and cared for.

Thankyou for writing this. It was something I needed to hear even though it hurt to know that what I’d been through was manipulation and damaging.

I can let go of the “why” now and move toward healing myself and getting my strength back.

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great book

great book
loved it
really healing
and nurturing
definitely worth reading
I will read again

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Life changing. Grateful to find this

If you found yourself here after much confusion, listen to this book.

If you spend time wondering why it's so hard to have a basic conversation which includes your needs, listen to this book.

If you have seen the things you loved in yourself diminish to a dim memory of a former glow, listen to this book.

This book was written to help us sort out fact from fiction when coming to the realisation we have been the victim of covert narcissist abuse.

"but he/she is so nice" - that's what they would like you to think and many others have only seen the side of them they want them to see.

If you have felt isolated and alone, unlovable, and fundamentally wrong, it is because your empathetic nature has been taken advantage of by someone who does not take responsibility for their own issues.

This book will help you find a place in clarity where you can begin to understand what has happened to you. It is a smooth and sequential listen which will help you see what is on the other side of healing from what you have been through.

You are worthy of acceptance. You are worthy of actual love. There are people in the world who want to support you for being completely you.

I cannot recommend this book enough.

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awesomeness

loved it and even cried in points. it's the best book about covert passive aggressive narcissists I have read

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Necessary!

So much info - need to listen to more than once. Debbie does a wonderful job reading her work.

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  • Mojo
  • 19-12-2018

This book CHANGED MY LIFE!

12 years with a man, 2 kids, a seemingly perfect life but I had a secret! I just didn’t know what to call it? Or how to even explain it?! It wasn’t until my couples counselor mentioned the word narcissist to me in a one on one session, that i began researching what a Narcissist really was? The classic definition just didn’t fit, and even though I knew this was a one-sided relationship that had to be his way always, I would have never labeled him a narcissist...until this book and until Debbie Mirza introduced me to the COVERT
Narcissist! My marriage was a puzzle with the main pieces missing, and through this book I got every piece I needed to get the mental closure I knew I would never get from him! After reading the book through tears and yes nods, I discovered the audible version! I am so happy to be hearing the author in her own words with everything she emotes! This is a wonderful book and I’m certain it will help so many people who are just down right confused and give them the strength and tools to move forward in their life!

82 people found this helpful

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  • Conroy
  • 16-01-2019

Helpful in understanding past, present, and future

This book is a helpful for not only the victims of covert narcissists (CN), but also the people in the victim's life who want to better understand what they have gone through. It gives a deeper understanding of past trauma, current CN behaviour, and what to expect in the future from this toxic person. This is useful to both heal from trauma, as well as to fortify against further attacks. Thank you to the author for writing this, and to everyone who shared their stories about such a difficult time in their lives. It gives us hope for a better future.

22 people found this helpful

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  • Diana Z
  • 24-12-2018

Finally all the pieces fit into place for me.

This book was the most informative piece of work I have read about covert narcissism. Debbie laid out in great detail “my story.” I felt every word. I relived every situation over again. There wasn’t one thing in this book that I didn’t relate to. I can now finally rest from my nightmare. It wasn’t my fault. I was a victim of covert narcissism. Thanks to Debbie’s exhaustive research, I look forward to living my own life knowing the truth of who I really am. A good person with compassion toward others and the ability to give and receive real love. Thanks to Debbie’s commitment toward helping others to recover, I will forever be grateful.


27 people found this helpful

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  • Cassandra Ross
  • 18-12-2018

Exactly What I Needed

I’ve read several books on narcissism and personality disorders searching for answers as to what happened with my marriage and to explain my CN ex-husband. While they were all helpful, none of these books explained my situation precisely until I read this book. It hit the nail on the head - exactly. I couldn’t have described it better myself. I now can put my finger on it and just being able to define him has helped me tremendously. Thank you, Debbie. This book is exactly what I needed.

27 people found this helpful

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  • Corinna
  • 24-12-2018

A life changing & saving book.

I bought the kindle and audible version of this book, it is one of the most important books I have ever read. I was married for 26 years to a man who had the angelic mask of sweet, quiet, shy and gentle artist. Yet, I never felt safe with him in public, I just couldn't ever explain why. When we were in private he was very loving and attentive but in public he was indifferent, other-focused and everyone around us reacted to him in such a way that marginalized and invalidated me. I slowly disappeared into his shadow, but everything was so subtle it couldn't possibly be his fault. My confidence drained away, as I was no longer competent to do the simplest things and he was always having to show me how to do everything right, the things I had created or excelled at were no longer valued until I was too inept to even feed my dog properly, even though it was a recipe I had come up with to save him from the agony of his chronic pancreatitis — it was a very slow drip-drip-drip as the life force drained from me. After 26 years of doting on him, running our lives and business, I got very ill and his mask came off. My confusion and horror was profound as he turned into a raging, aggressive and violent stranger. I had no idea what was happening and the therapists I turned to had no idea what was happening and traumatized me more. I thought the stress of my illness had caused a depression in him but then he told me all about his true past, his double-life the entire time we were together, about his sex addiction and how much he wanted me gone to the point of trying to talk me into suicide so my life insurance could keep him and our dogs in their home. The person I'd believed in and adored for over half my life was a monster who I had never known, everything I was told and believed in was a lie. My usefulness was over, my life no longer had value and he did everything possible to offload his toxic shame and all the blame on to me. It's been an unreal experience. It's woken me up to so much about myself and others in my life. It will be a long journey to recover but I am free now to live life in a safe space, choosing only people who are good for me and being able to finally recognize who those people are.

There is so much written about narcissism, with only some written about covert narcissism, but nothing I've read (and I've read hundreds of books, blogs, articles, etc.) comes close to explaining the complexity, duality, and profound confusion of a true pathological covert narcissist experience, like Debbie does with her book. Being able to plug into the audible version while going about my day allows me to keep Debbie's validating message in my ear when I wobble, and I wobble a lot. Debbie's voice as a reader is perfect, very often authors can make the worst readers but she is pitch perfect.

I strongly recommend this book highly to anyone who has suffered through a confusing relationship which suddenly turns, who cannot find answers that make sense and who have been altered by an experience that is so difficult to explain. This book is validating and can help the healing process like no other. There are answers here, there is compassion and there is hope. The isolation from this experience can be devastating, but we are not alone and we can recover and feel solid ground beneath our feet again.

69 people found this helpful

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  • Crystal H.
  • 11-02-2019

Healing!!!!

I’m a therapist, and I was in a relationship with a CN for 16 years!!! I thought I could/should make it work. I thought it was me...him...me!!! The confusion kept me stuck. The shame and guilt kept me stuck. I finally got divorced after the 4th physical altercation in 16 yrs, which he labeled as “isolated incidents” that do not make him an abuser, and then still spent weeks in the pits of my sorrow...guilt, shame, confusion! I came upon this book after listening to “Duped.” I cannot thank you enough for EXACTLY what I needed to start ACTUALLY healing...to stop feeling CRAZY! I clipped so many pieces of this book, it actually began to humor me. Thank you! I will recommend this book to hundreds of clients in the future...I’m certain!

21 people found this helpful

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  • consumer
  • 11-05-2019

Only if this is your first book on this topic

1) I really didn’t like the narrator.
2) this book is written as if it’s an authority on the covert narcissist, containing very little imperial evidence and mostly opinions based on interviews.
3) narcissists are different. Yet the way it’s written, “The CN will...” This makes you question if you are in fact dealing with a CN if the statement doesn’t match your experience.
4) I left my CN after 20 years of marriage and multiple attempts to leave. Some people find the strength to get out before the narcissist discards them. If that applies to you, you won’t be able to relate to much of this book. He/she may be covert to others, but you are not shocked and surprised when he treats you badly or manipulated you because you identified the pattern already.
5) I found many other books much more helpful. This one was full of fluff and validated emotions and feelings most of the time, which I think is helpfulness the beginning stages of recognizing your narcissist in your life. If you’ve already done your research, this book may not be beneficial to you. However, if you are wondering what is going on and still asking yourself if you are crazy or responsible for the relationship, this book will be helpful.

18 people found this helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 11-12-2018

Amazing!!!!

This is a must "hear" for anyone that ever was or is in a relationship with a Covert Narcissist. Hearing this was like listening to my life with Kim, my Covert Narcissist. Thank you Debbie for writing this book. Your narration was truly great!

15 people found this helpful

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  • Michele
  • 03-01-2019

Aha! moment? mouth wide open cover to cover!

In a desperate search to figure out what was happening to my 22-year marriage (to a Dr. of Psychology), I stumbled across sound bites of information about covert narcissism. Never enough to understand the profound emotional and physical effect it has on families. I have been living CN free for 5 years and in treatment with 3 therapists, I got more from this book in 5 hours! The similarities between my life and of the stories told in this book were stunning. It also made me realize that I still have work to do towards healing and protecting my children. I hit "clip" and "add note" so often that I ended up buying hard copies to share with my family and friends who literally saved my life during the discard stage. Thank you for this book, Ms. Mirza, and for shedding light on this closeted form of narcissism. I feel hope, lightness and most importantly not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

13 people found this helpful

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  • Susan Alamilla
  • 29-12-2018

Thank you for opening my eyes<br />

I can't begin to explain how this book has changed my life.Thank you for helping me see I'm NOT crazy.

5 people found this helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 01-05-2019

Very helpful, but repetitive

well thought through, and inspirational, but does cover the same ground over and over again without the level of depth I would really have liked

3 people found this helpful

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  • Sarah Greenaway
  • 06-02-2019

Amazing read

I've read a lot of books on this subject and this is the best by far.

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  • M G.
  • 09-02-2020

The tone wasn’t for me

Firstly, I can see this being very useful for someone traumatised. The author’s tone is very nurturing and there’s a lot of affirming of how brilliant, smart and caring you are as the ‘victim’ ‘target’ and ‘survivor’ of the covert narcissist.

For me though, I found it too sugary and not in depth or rigorous enough. There was a lot of repetition too. I really wanted more insight than this.

Kudos to the author for doing the narration though and I’m sure she cares deeply.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 21-09-2019

So helpful

This book was very opening and almost felt it was written just for me. Definitely will give it a re-read.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 25-07-2019

First class book written with passion and love.

Fabulous book on a subject generally not much is known about. Fabulous to be narrated by the author. She seems so passionate about this subject. I feel so equipped now to deal with CNs. Some of it hard to hear but very necessary to hear. Forever in her debt!

1 person found this helpful

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  • karla
  • 09-01-2020

helpful, and very insightful x

helpful, but hard to listen to at times if you are a survivor of abuse from a narcissist. x

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  • QutiePie
  • 30-12-2019

Like reading a book about my life!

My beautiful friend sent the link of this book. She didn't really have a reason as to why, but just felt an urge to send it to me. Looking at the title, I didn't think it was relevant to me either, but said I'd have a listen anyway. OH MY GOD!!! THIS IS A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF MY LIFE!!!

I don't think I've ever read/listened to anything that has so closely matched my actual life as this book! Things that I would never think had anything to do with my situation where clearly and sensitively explained, with devastating effect! I've been overwhelmed, angry, felt ashamed and dumb, but ultimately proud of myself for finally realising that it wasn't all just in my head!

Debbie's narration is perfect! She's direct and sensitive where needed. Her writing doesn't sugar-coat our experience at all.
This is just an amazing book!

I've listened to it twice in one week as well as gone into deeper research and am now planning the next steps for my life.

I highly recommend this book to everyone, male and female! Truly eye-opening!

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  • Ayat Ali
  • 21-12-2019

Excellent

Really enjoyed reading this book. As a previous psychiatric trainee doctor I can’t believe that I didn’t see the narcissists in my life. It’s given me the reassurance that resection was the only way forward.

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  • Anonymous User
  • 15-11-2019

Mind blowing!

I can’t thank the Author enough...this book just saved my life...knowledge is so powerful and it has planted so much hope for the future!

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 22-10-2019

very educative

loved it, it is very educative, the examples make it really interesting to listen to