Episode 10 of Season Three! — A Sunday-evening full episode (which I goofed and set to publish a day early) IN WHICH —

01:50: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 18:

• In this chapter, Flora relaxes in her new, as-yet-uncontaminated-by-a-vampire room and tries to distract herself with a novel. Then she hears a soft footstep approaching the door ...

33:50: TERRIFIC REGISTER ARTICLE:

• We learn of three women buried by a winter's avalanche in the Alps, who were found alive when the snows melted the next spring!

42:10: THE VAMPYRE, by J.S. LeFanu:

• In which we learn the source of the ghostly footsteps padding down the stairs at 2 a.m. ... and we hear Tom's account of why he left the Aungier Street mansion so suddenly: he was convinced his life was in immediate peril, from a recurring vision of an evil-faced old man clutching a knotted rope... This is Part 2 of 3 parts (Part 3 will come next Sunday).

PLUS —

• We explore a "broadside ballad" published in 1850: "The Young Sailor Bold and The Unfortunate Shepherdess" ...

• We learn a few more Victorian "dad jokes" from good old Joe Miller!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

EPISODE ART is from Varney the Vampyre, and shows a scene from a novel Flora is reading to distract herself from the threat of the vampire.

A half-hour- long 'Hursday Horrors Minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:25: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 18 and 19, IN WHICH —:

• In Chapter 18, after Mrs. Montmorenci leaves, Mr. Lucas is doing some paperwork when a black-clad figure steps up behind and puts a hand on his shoulder. An Executioner of the Order! But this is no ordinary Executioner; it’s Colonel Oscar Bertrand himself! Lucas’s son-in-law, the man who stole his daughter from him! He snatches up a pistol from his desk — the room is filled with smoke and noise …

• Then in Chapter 19, we turn back to Clara Melville, dancing her way into the hearts of everyone at the ballet company. One evening Reginald Falkner reintroduces himself, to her delight, and the following evening he sends her flowers. She is well on her way to being in love with him. But old Sir Frederick Beaumorris seems to feel he has called dibs on her … a showdown is brewing!

0:25:15: TRIGGER WARNING!

• This is a Ha'penny Horrid 'Hursday episode. "Horrid" as in "horror." Thursday is the day we do all the grimdark, grisly, horrifying stories, starting right after the chapter of the daily Dreadful! So: If murders, war crimes, parricides, and other awful stuff are not something you are interested in hearing about, even 200 years later — you should skip to the next podcast in your queue after the Dreadful finishes up. Don't worry, we'll be back this coming Sunday for the regular Penny Dreadful Variety Hour, when this podcast will be back to being a bright, sunny romp through Penny Dreadful stories!

0:27:15: AN ACCOUNT OF THE CONDUCT AND EXECUTION of JAMES WINTER (an execution broadside).

• Today’s broadside tells of the execution of James Winter, alias Reuben Martin, on Dec. 10, 1827. Winter was a robber, who tried to ply his trade on a man who was attending a sale at The Yorkshire Grey public house in Colchester. The uh, transaction — the robbery, not the sale — apparently wasn’t going well, because it attracted the attention of the landlord, Thomas Patrick, who started loudly calling for a constable. Apparently wanting to silence him, Winter clobbered him with a heavy board, but he overdid it and the blow was a fatal one.

0:23:25: THE TERRIFIC REGISTER:

• An awful, and mercifully short, description of the punishment of the "knout," a sort of vicious lacerating whip, in czarist Russia.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Torrid minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:30: ROSE MORTIMER; or, THE BALLET-GIRL'S REVENGE, Ch. 7, IN WHICH —:

• Back at Mrs. Halliday’s house, Rose tries to rest and recover from the terrors of the night and repair her tattered ballet-dress in time for rehearsals. The dress is done just in time, and luckily there is a cab right outside the house. But wait — who is the man waiting with the driver? And why is the cab going so fast and reckless through the foggy streets to — the theatre? Somewhere else? We shall see!

0:17:41: TWO SALACIOUS SALOON SONGS:

• "Will You Sleep With Me, My Dear," which must have been like the Victorian-age equivalent of Jimmy Buffett's "Why Don't We Get Drunk" ... remember that one? We earn our Explicit tag with this one!
• "Those London Mots." A short song singing the praises of the working girls of the Old Metrop. In the early-Victorian the word "mot" was very close to the modern slang word "ho" — it didn't always mean a prostitute, but in this context it did.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!

Episode Seven of Season Three! — A Sunday-evening full episode IN WHICH —

0:01:35: THE MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Ch. 18:

• We start to unravel some of the secrets of Walter Sydney … as the scene opens, we see him — uh, her — in her boudoir, lounging on a French bed (with a boobie out, by the way, if the original art is to be believed!) and reading a book and complaining bitterly about having to keep up the charade of masculinity. But why is she doing so? And who is the mysterious Mr. Stephens whom she answers to?

0:20:45: TERRIFIC REGISTER ARTICLE:

• We learn the story of a Spanish lady who, trapped in a loveless marriage, induces her lover to murder her husband ...

0:28:50: AN ACCOUNT OF SOME STRANGE DISTURBANCES IN AUNGIER STREET, by J.S. LeFanu: Part 3 of 3

• In which we learn, from Richard and Tom's Irish maid, who and what the ghost of the Aungier Street mansion was, and how close Tom in particular came to making for it a fresh victim.

PLUS —

• We learn a new Flash song (starting around 0:27:20): "Moll in the Wad," full of fun highway-robber slang (see below). — And ...
• We browse through a few "recipes" for bad literature, published in Punch, the comedy magazine of the 1840s (starting around 0:47:20). — And ...
• We learn a few more Victorian "dad jokes" from good old Joe Miller!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

EPISODE ART is from The Mysteries of London, and shows "Mr. Walter Sydney" relaxing with a book in her boudoir.

A half-hour- long 'Hursday Horrors Minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:01: SWEENEY TODD Ch. 56, IN WHICH —:

• Back at the shop, Todd finds to his delight that a very likely prospect — a sailor just back from India with a pocket full of guineas — has come into his shop alone, unlike every other customer for the past few days. The sailor slipped in when Sir Richard’s men weren’t looking! Is Sir Richard’s decision to hold off arresting Todd about to cost a man his life? Will he be turned into pies?

0:14:33: TRIGGER WARNING!

• This is a Ha'penny Horrid 'Hursday episode. "Horrid" as in "horror." Thursday is the day we do all the grimdark, grisly, horrifying stories, starting right after the chapter of the daily Dreadful! So: If murders, war crimes, parricides, and other awful stuff are not something you are interested in hearing about, even 200 years later — you should skip to the next podcast in your queue after the Dreadful finishes up. Don't worry, we'll be back this coming Sunday for the regular Penny Dreadful Variety Hour, when this podcast will be back to being a bright, sunny romp through Penny Dreadful stories!

0:16:33: A MONSTROUSLY-CRUEL MURDER!!! and THE CRUEL CAPTAIN (two broadside ballad).

• On May 4, 1833, the mutilated body of 70-year-old Miss Catherine Elms was found in her house. The murderer had left valuable swag untouched, but had rifled through all her papers ... as far as I could learn, this crime was never solved.
• The Cruel Captain is a tragic ballad of a fair Plymouth maiden who let her beau, an Irish sea-captain, take her out alone on a boat as a date. He then ravished her and drowned her in the sea.

0:23:25: THE TERRIFIC REGISTER:

• An awful, but short, tale of a reluctantly-pregnant new mother who tried to give birth in secret and drown her newborn child in the sea.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Terrible minisode IN WHICH —

0:01:22: HIGHWAYMAN DICK TURPIN, Ch. 18-19, IN WHICH —:

• Leaving the church, Dick strikes out on foot for London, hoping to get Black Bess back. Then he meets a farmer with a wagon load of turnips and carrots, heading for Covent-garden market. The farmer gives Dick a lift. But, has the farmer recognized him? Will he try to turn him in and collect the £1000 reward? We shall see.

0:19:29: THREE SALACIOUS SALOON SONGS:

• "The Jolly Fishmonger," a frisky supper-club "flash song" from the 1830s, of the type sung lustily by, um, gentlemen when there were no ladies about. This one tells the story of the amorous adventure of a Strand fishmonger using as many fish and fishing puns as possible.
• "Madam Sneak," which tries more for funny than sexy. The last word of every line is omitted from the original text, but it's "arse."
• "My Wife's Funny Thing." Yes, it's THAT funny thing. It's nothing less than a whole 35-line drinking-song about lady-bits, phrased carefully enough that even George Carlin could sing it on TV without getting in trouble.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Roses, pinks and tulips: Aristocrats and high-society toffs.

• Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.
• Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
• Crib: House, room, or chamber (modern equivalent is "joint"). Originally and still also used to refer to a prostitute's bedroom.

• Pippin: A funny fellow (of either sex); also a friendly way of greeting: How are you, my pippins?
• Bolt the moon: Fly by night
• Beaks: Magistrates, law enforcement authorities
• The tippy: The very best

FISH TERMS AND FLASH WORDS FROM "THE JOLLY FISHMONGER":

• As merry a grig: "Merry as a grig" was 1830s slang for "full of fun."
• "Reckoned a soul" means "considered a heavy drinker" — but of course "soul" is spelled like the fish here, SOLE.
• "In love with a maid" — in the 1830s "maid" meant "old maid." As a bonus, juvenile female sticklebacks are called maids. Our poet gets more mileage out of this one in the last line, although he calls the fish "thornback"; it's the same fish.
• "She dabb'd him" — "dab" meant lots of things, but one of them was to punch or slap. And, there was a type of flatfish called a dab.
• "She always delighted to play with his cod." Many possibilities here could mean his purse, or his scrotum; but the obvious reference is to a certain fish-shaped nether appendage (see: CODPIECE).
• "Would you not wish to have been in his plaice" — a plaice is a type of flatfish.
• "The neighbors smelt out" — a smelt is a type of small oily fish.

Episode Four of Season Three! — A Sunday-evening full episode (dropping early today!) IN WHICH —

0:04:25: TERRIFIC REGISTER ARTICLE:

• We hear of a cat who, standing watch over his mistress's freshly-murdered body, bristled and hissed when the murder suspect entered the room!
• Then we hear of an English traveler saved from the Spanish Inquisition by a priest he had befriended.

0:08:20: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 18:

• In this chapter, Admiral Bell and Jack Pringle arrive at the hall and meet the principal players. Mr. Marchdale and Sir Francis Varney appear to have an argument, and Sir Francis punches Marchdale. Admiral Bell wants to see Charles, and although obviously very fond of him, is trying to be severe and demanding an explanation about the vampire thing.

• So — will Admiral Bell put the kibosh on his nephew’s romantic prospects? If he does, what happens with Flora? And why does Sir Francis Varney want so badly to stir up trouble? We'll find out soon!

0:31:50: AN ACCOUNT OF SOME STRANGE DISTURBANCES IN AUNGIER STREET, by J.S. LeFanu:

• In which we learn the source of the ghostly footsteps padding down the stairs at 2 a.m. ... and we hear Tom's account of why he left the Aungier Street mansion so suddenly: he was convinced his life was in immediate peril, from a recurring vision of an evil-faced old man clutching a knotted rope... This is Part 2 of 3 parts (Part 3 will come next Sunday).

PLUS —

• We learn a new Flash song (starting around 0:27:20): "Moll in the Wad," full of fun highway-robber slang (see below). — And ...
• We browse through a few "recipes" for bad literature, published in Punch, the comedy magazine of the 1840s (starting around 0:47:20). — And ...
• We learn a few more Victorian "dad jokes" from good old Joe Miller!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

From intro and outro patter:

• PINKS OF FASHION:
• FLY:
• LUSHINGTONS:
• CRAB-SHELLS:
• PINS:
• DAFFY:
• NOB:
• AUTEM BAWLERS:
• BUGGABOES:

• PIKE OFF: Flee to avoid being caught
• RED WAISTCOAT: Uniform of the Bow-street Runners, London's first police force
• KNIGHT OF THE BRUSH AND MOON: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home

From comedy article in Punch Magazine:

• GAMMON: Literally a game; but in the early-Victorian it meant almost exactly what we mean by "bullshit" today.

From Flash poem, "Moll in the Wad":

• "When the fancy you hunt, the blush and the blunt" — Fancy means "sport" in this context; "blush" is a reference to friendly ladies; and blunt means money.
• "You spank it and sport, and Venuses court" — "spank it" meant to be sporty and stylish.
• "Then there away to Fancy shows/ To sport your odds and your evens you go" — fancy shows are sporting events (boxing, animal fights, etc.); odds and evens may be a reference to the "old one-two" or maybe billiards or roulette.
• "The Fives Court" means the boxing ring (a reference to a "bunch of fives," fingers wadded up in a fist).
• "At sixes and sevens" means in confusion.
• "If you don't get in Chancery somehow, it's odd" — a pun. Chancery-court was where one sued over financial affairs, but when a "miller" (boxer) got his opponent "in chancery," that meant with his arm locked around his neck so that his head might be pummeled with impunity.
• "Then hazard's your bane, and seven's the main" — a reference to the usual sentence for non-capital crimes: seven years' transportation to Australia.
• "You'll be sent up the spout" — hospitalized — "or be laid on the shelf" — transported to Australia.
• "Bang up the prime past" — "bang-up prime" means Absolutely Fabulous. (In the literal sense, not the Edie and Patsy sense.)
• "You goes to the Fleet" — either lodged in Fleet Prison, or murdered and your body dumped in the Fleet River.

EPISODE ART is from Varney the Vampyre, and shows Mr. Marchdale "fighting" with Sir Francis Varney.

A half-hour- long 'Hursday Horrors Minisode IN WHICH —

0:01:55: SPRING-HEEL'D JACK, Ch. 17, IN WHICH —:

• Richard Clavering tries to bluster his way out, but it’s not a good look, looming over his unconscious lady with a knife in his fist. Jack unmasks — and we learn he and Clavering know each other socially! So … did Jack overhear the part about the loaded dice? What will he do if he does? And what will happen to poor Jessie?

0:16:25: TRIGGER WARNING!

• This is a Ha'penny Horrid 'Hursday episode. "Horrid" as in "horror." Thursday is the day we do all the grimdark, grisly, horrifying stories, starting right after the chapter of the daily Dreadful! So: If murders, war crimes, parricides, and other awful stuff are not something you are interested in hearing about, even 200 years later — you should skip to the next podcast in your queue after the Dreadful finishes up. Don't worry, we'll be back this coming Sunday for the regular Penny Dreadful Variety Hour, when this podcast will be back to being a bright, sunny romp through Penny Dreadful stories!

0:16:55: TERRIBLE TIDBIT OF THE DAY for August 7:

• The story of a young mother of 10 who got drunk and tried to kill herself by jumping off Blackfriars Bridge, on Aug. 21, 1852.

0:19:05: THE BRUTAL MURDER AT ST. HELENS (a broadsheet ballad).

• When Sgt. Sewell of the city police tried to detain a young man whom he knew to be wanted on a warrant, the young reprobate whipped out a pepperbox pistol and shot him twice. Liverpool printer John White memorialized the crime with a mournful broadsheet ballad.

0:23:25: THE TERRIFIC REGISTER:

• A few examples from history of times when persons believing they were about to die, simply dropped dead without the intervention of the headsman's ax.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• High spicer: Highway robber.
• Topping cove: Hangman.
• Mizzle: Take leave.
• Scragging: Hanging.
• Kiddies and kiddiesses: Flash lads and lasses
• Sherry off: To leave, in a tolerable hurry. A corruption of "sheer off."
• Flats: Suckers.

• Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
• Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.
• "Dram-o-tick poet" (from the Joe Miller joke at the end of the episode): A pun. A dram, of course, is a glass of spirits. "Tick" refers to marking down a debt by making a tickmark, as in a pub when drinking on credit.