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Say hello to Jae’lynn Chaney. According to her Instagram account, Chaney is a plus-sized social media influencer and “advocate for people of all shapes and sizes.” As part of her advocacy, she has launched a change.org petition which fights “for the FAA to Protect Plus-Size Travelers.” As of this writing, the petition has 7,200 signatures out of the 7,500 goal.

Here, I discuss the petition along with the overall fat acceptance/body passivity movement.

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It is a virtually bottomless well of grievances from which the woke can draw sustenance. However, there is one clan of geeks. One fiefdom of nerds. One collective of dorks who have escaped the ire of the woke cancel squad…until now.

At the recent annual meeting of the organization of balding, ponytail-wearing incels, more commonly known as the Dungeons & Dragons Creator Summit, D&D lead rules designer Jeremy Crawford informed the fleshlight owning mass that: "Our team are game designers and storytellers, we’re not experts in culture and inclusion[…]So we’re focused on what damage should this creature do. That’s why everything goes through inclusion review now so everything in our game brings out delight. Even reprints are going through inclusion review. That’s why some older books are changing, too…" and one of those changes is "Frankly, we are not comfortable, and haven’t been for years with any of the options that start with ‘half’,[…]The half-construction is inherently racist so we simply aren’t going to include it in the new Player’s Handbook."

So, in support of my virgin brethren, I have developed an entirely new world of woke D&D characters who are sure to pass the magical censors. Join me for the great unveiling...

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The concept of “national divorce” had been simmering in the background of the culture for some time, and while not feasible to implement, has reached the mainstream recently. The notion of national divorce is that, as the federal government has become more all-consuming in our lives (despite the 10th Amendment), conservative and liberal states should peacefully decide that we can no longer survive as one country and divide off into two separate sovereign nations.

While impractical, recent events have led me to believe that we are already divorced and simply have yet to acknowledge it.

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Today's episode: Climb aboard my woke spaceship

There was recently a Twitter post that got people all in a tizzy. During a DEI training (diversity, equity, and inclusion, for the uninitiated), an employee at a public university was forced to fill out a form that laid out this hypothetical scenario:

“The twelve persons listed below have been selected as passengers on a spaceship for a flight to another planet because tomorrow the planet Earth is doomed for destruction.

Due to changes in space limitations, it has now been determined that only eight persons may go. Any eight qualify.

Your task is to select the Eight (8) passengers who will make the trip.

No problem, right? Let’s get the deets on these folks and figure out who will make this humanity-saving mission. Except that the only attributes provided were, as we should have expected, the categories which matter among the grievance entranced, woke-eratti…”

The possible passengers are:

•An accountant with a substance abuse problem

•A militant African American medical student

•A 33-year-old female native American manager who does not speak English

•The accountant's pregnant wife

•A famous novelist with a physical disability

•A 21-year-old female, Muslim international student

•A Hispanic clergyman who is against homosexuality

•A female movie star who was recently the victim of a sexual assault

•A racist, armed police officer who has been accused of using excessive force

•A gay male, professional athlete, vegetarian

•An Asian, orphaned 12-year-old boy

•A 60-year-old Jewish University administrator

Let’s forget for a second about the grammatical errors, the stilted language of the question, that this was called, unironically, “cultural competence training,” or if we should be concerned that the success of a humanity-saving rocketship hinges on being able to shed around 600 pounds.

Long-time readers of The Plant are likely expecting me to go off on some long-winded diatribe about this identity politics gobbledygook. But no, no friends, I have been meditating, eating my non-gmo Wheaties, and watching all the new shows on Netflix with the non-binary animals.

I don’t like this question.

I don’t love this question.

In fact, I wouldn’t care if this question was my first cousin; I would pretend we were in the back woods of Alabama, make sweet, sweet love to it, and have a bunch of inbred biracial “woke-questionnaire / Jewish” babies with it… that’s how worked up this hypothetical gets me.

In my best Marvin Gaye impression, let’s get it on.

However, I can’t jump right into this survey lovemaking like this is some Backpage whore questionnaire; that won’t do at all. This is a high-class Heidi Fleiss type of Rorschach test; we’ve got to take our time with it like a test taking Casanova or Matt Lauer. This is the future of humanity we are talking about here. We need to consider our options. Weigh the pros and cons. Do a regression analysis. Really go Pythagoras on this thing.

So before we get to the answer key of this cultural competence training (aka - my objectively correct answers), I’ll provide insights into my methodology to determine who will get aboard the USS Enterprise Woke Bullshit.

“Hello Houston, this is USS Enterprise Woke Bullshit; all systems are ready for lift-off.”

If you want to read this, or any of my other satire, check out https://www.gordoncomstock.com/

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Checkout the Substack: https://www.gordoncomstock.com/

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A “way too early, please God help us, I hate you for doing this to me” handicapping of the 2024 GOP primary race. 

Check out my substack: https://www.gordoncomstock.com/

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Florida tries to cancel the Democratic Party, Angela Davis finds out she has a family of slavers, and San Francisco checks out a $250 billion reparations program.

Check out the Substack: https://www.gordoncomstock.com/

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