Episodes

  • 48: Stories are supposed to change

    48: Stories are supposed to change
    Sep 18 2020
    Seasons change, circumstances change, people change and the world changes. everything is always changing. That means we have to allow and even insist that our stories change or we will find ourselves stuck.   The longer we hold a story the more likely we are to see it as truth. But any stories we hold are, at best, part of the truth. More often they are created in our minds by our own fears insecurities and desires.   The best way to keep from getting stuck is to make stories a part of our everyday thinking; Always aware of them, wondering about the impact they are having in us.   What if accepted the reality that we are hardly ever dealing with facts alone and began to interact intentionally with the stories.   What if we called on our creative energies to rewrite the way we look at life and play with what could be instead of saying stuck in what is?   This week I experience the power of that when I realized that I was holding onto a story that needed to change. Having committed to finishing the first year of this podcast before taking a break, I was pushing through without freedom OR effectiveness to episode 52. I was telling myself the story that my plans had to stay the same even though the circumstances of my life were drastically changing.   It was empowering when I realized that I didn’t have to keep that story. It’s always an option for me to tweak or totally rewrite my stories because they are just stories.   For that reason, I have written in a break starting today with the intention to come back for another round of episodes when it feels right! It feels right and I feel the freedom of choosing my own story!   There is so much more I want to explore about the stories we live in and so many people I still want to interview. In the meantime, I invite you to listen again to the episodes already recorded and allow them to impact your journey. Subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates and reach out by email with questions and input. The Facebook group provides us a place to stay connected and talk about the things we are learning.   Relationships are as fascinating as the people in them. I love to think outside the boxes and use the creativity God our in me for the sake of all that’s possible.   Don’t hesitate to reach out for coaching if you want to thrive more fully in your relationships or figure out why you can’t get there in a particular one. It has been a challenging and powerful year for me. I hope it has for you too.   We all matter more than we think and life is better when we know that.                 Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here.

    Any questions or comments? Email me directly here.

    Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    10 mins
  • 47: The stories we tell - tell the story of us

    47: The stories we tell - tell the story of us
    Sep 11 2020
    I am becoming fascinated by the reality that all of us humans are always telling stories, to ourselves.   Every single observable fact carries meaning to us as individuals. We experience things and instinctively run them through the grid of our past experiences for interpretation. What comes out on the other side is a story. Facts are observable data, stories are things that give meaning to the facts; things like opinions, judgments, and beliefs. We rarely argue the facts with anyone. Facts don’t create stress or drama, they don’t even hurt people’s feelings, it’s the meaning we give to the facts that gives them power.   Stories need to be separated from the facts because facts are objective, while stories are subjective. They can’t be proven and they are different for everyone. Stories are not interchangeable. I can’t borrow your stories, because they don’t have meaning for me. But our stories need to influence each other. My experience of you and your stories is part of the ever-evolving story of my life. To know your stories is to know you.   Because stories are made up, they can’t be right or wrong; just real. That means we can own our own stories and still hold them loosely. We don’t have to defend them or prove them...we just get to see, understand, share and evaluate them.   When a person matters to me, so does their story. It often requires hearing a person's story before we are able to see and accept them for who they are.   Imagine with me the beauty and the power of seeing stories for what they are and allowing them to teach us about ourselves and each other. Imagine becoming aware that stories are present and evolving. They don’t represent the facts, just the way an individual happens to see certain facts at this moment.   Every little argument feels like it’s about the facts; someone is right and someone is wrong, but that’s not how stories work. Stories can’t be right or wrong. Stories just are and they just have to be what they are, until they become expanded my new experiences.   Today’s episode is an invitation to see and value the stories; our own and those of the people around us. People are made of stories. Stories matter because people matter.               Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here.

    Any questions or comments? Email me directly here.

    Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    10 mins
  • 46: Am I Kidding Myself?

    46: Am I Kidding Myself?
    Sep 4 2020
    Such a fascinating question that I asked myself for the first time last night. The answer came so quickly that it surprised me.   Yes... I am always kidding myself and I do it without even noticing.   The reason I believe that, is based on some things I read once in the book Emotional Intelligence by Dan Goleman. Those things have recently resurfaced In my mind through other authors. Let me summarize it for you.   In the context of our normal human existence, we walk through life on guard against things that threaten our sense of worth and well-being. That’s because we actually have a part of our brain that functions as a watchdog for threats. Most of us have experienced the way our body instinctively responds to perceived danger and are aware of the way fear enables us to perform in abnormal ways for the sake of our physical safety. That doesn’t happen very often but it’s nice to know that we are wired to rise up and protect ourselves if it’s needed, right?   What most of us don’t give credence to is the fact that our brain perceives threats to our emotional security almost continuously. Without even realizing we are afraid, our brain activated the rest of the body and we kick into fight or flight mode.   Last night I had a moment that got me in touch with this reality. In a texting conversation (I know.. that was my first mistake) I asked my son a question that was based in fear, but I had no idea that was true because I didn’t feel any fear. In my mind I was following an urge to be more straight forward in all of my communication; especially with my family. I want us to be more free to say what we think and how we feel. Why does that have to be so hard?   I was genuinely kidding myself, even though I couldn’t see it. The reality that my words were rooted in fear was something I didn’t see. But the reactions of both my son and myself proved that they were. My fear sparked his and... well you know the rest of that story.   It didn’t feel good when I went to bed, but I somehow believed it was good. I believed the words I spoke in Episode 45, “pain always leaves something good behind. It did.   It got me in touch with how important it is for me to be aware of my fears before I enter into conversations, social gathers, or show up at work. If I’m aware of my hidden fears I am able to choose how to relate with those fears. I won’t get caught off guard by them and react, instead I can respond. When I respond it can be from a place of knowing -who I am and what’s important to me.   If this is the normal human condition as Dan Goleman and other respected authors tell us, then calling it normal and expecting it to be present, in both of us, becomes really important. It keeps us dealing with the facts of our lives and not just the stories that form around those facts because we are afraid.   When I am not aware of my fears I believe the stories I make up that give meaning to what happens around me. Once I do that, I will either blame myself for being a loser who deserves disrespect or another for being a selfish and mean person who simply doesn’t care whom they hurt. Blame turns to shame and I will direct it outward “shame on you” or inward “shame on me.”   Neither of those produces healthy communication or satisfying relationships.   It makes the question of If we Matter so important. If I am certain that we all matter regardless of what we do or don’t do, I will devote myself to knowing that I matter and helping others believe that they matter too. I will want to honor all of us.   Our challenge for this week is two-fold. To revisit the idea that everyone really does matter (period) and practice seeing people through that lens.To continually ask ourselves what we are afraid of as we walk through the week. Choosing to be mindful that all of us live with a very real sense that we are not enough to actually matter. From there we live to defend any sense of worth that we have or to perform for the sake of gaining some.   I’m intrigued to discover the impact of owning my fears so they don’t have the power to own me.   Will you practice with me? Share your thoughts with me and/or our Facebook community?Reach out to me for a free coaching session to jump-start this way of living?This IS worth it, because we DO matter!               Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    17 mins
  • 45: But I’m in so much pain

    45: But I’m in so much pain
    Aug 28 2020
    If you listened to episode 44 you may have responded with the thought, “but I’m in so much pain!”   I did, even as I was recording it. That’s because I was in the early stages of a really painful family crisis. So here I am, In more pain than I know what to do with, reminding myself that pain never comes without leaving behind some good. It’s the kind of good we don’t think about very much, especially in the midst of it. But it’s good in ways that I can’t afford to avoid.   I guess I’m experiencing the power of a new paradigm shift... pain is good.   Have you ever really contemplated the goodness of pain?   I have been doing that all month in my online course and here is what I’m learning about pain.   It’s good because it softens me   It’s good because it humbles me   It’s good because it’s a part of life that all humans experience.   It’s good because it teaches me so much about living as it prepares me for whatever the future holds.   It’s good because it reveals my strength and resilience. Getting through it proves to me that I have what it takes to make it (no matter what life throws at me).   It’s good because it invites the best of me to show up as I get in touch with how much I need people, creativity, vision, and hope. I need to respond in a way that teaches me to believe in my ability to survive pain and thrive in the midst of it.   It opens me up to the goodness of transparency.   It makes me more compassionate toward others.   As a person of faith... it also dramatically increases my intimacy with Jesus.   I don’t know if you can sense the goodness of calling pain good yet, but if you are willing to see the potential it offers enough to try embracing it as good, I think you will.   In order to gain all of that goodness from pain, we have to accept it even though we don’t want it.   And once we choose to take the next step and call it good because we actually want some of those things pain offers... the flood gates open!   I will never want to feel pain but In order to gain all of the goodness it offers I have to accept it even though I don’t want it.   Then once I choose to take the next step and call it good because I actually want some of those things pain offers... the flood gates open up.   No pain, no gain is not just true in relation to the strength of our physical bodies. It’s true in our emotional lives as well. I didn’t learn to navigate pain growing up and I didn’t know how to teach my own kids either. I wish I had. But I know it’s all the more reason I need to call their pain good now. Of course, that means calling my pain good too- because their pain IS my pain. I have to figure out how to walk through mine and let them do the same offering whatever support they are willing to receive.   Just this week as I was talking with one of my grandkids he said this to me:   “I used to get so mad at you when I was fighting with my sister and you would say, “you are so lucky to have each other. But you were right.” It’s pretty cool to watch that 19-year-old and his 17-year-old sister be such good friends today.”   If you can open yourself up to the possibilities that might present themselves in the presence of pain, just enough to try them on. I believe you will find yourself ready to join me on this fascinating journey. I hope so. More internal freedom becomes ours as we answer the question of if we matter more deeply than ever as we experience pain. Does everyone matter regardless of how they handle the pain of life and how much of the pain they create?   Or does everyone who feels pain just matter?             Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    9 mins
  • 44: I don’t want to feel this way

    44: I don’t want to feel this way
    Aug 21 2020
    So much is catching up with me emotionally these days. I want COVID to be over. I’m starting to feel trapped and angry. I really want to do some things that move me forward As a human being who lives with and for the sake of black lives knowing how much they matter. I can’t do much of what my heart wants to do until this is over. What’s happening around the election is genuinely disturbing to me. What is November going to bring?   Here is my reality: I feel so many things I don’t want to feel, and those feelings are not going away anytime soon. Of course, these things upset me and they upset the people around me too. This is a hard season with lots of deep emotion for all of us. I know I need to accept that reality and keep using the phrases, Me too, You too, and Of course (from episodes 41-43). I know they help me stay more calm, clear and kind. I want that.   Another two-word -perspective-setter for me is so obvious that it’s easy to miss or even dismiss. Its what I want to talk about today. I’m okay... I don’t like the way I feel and I wish it would go away. Even more, I wish the things or people that are causing these feelings would just go away.   But still, I’m okay because... ...I’m alive and breathing.   As long as that’s true there is potential. It’s crazy how significant it is to stop for even 10 seconds and notice the rising and falling of my chest as I breathe or the air going in and out of my nostrils.   But still, I’m okay because... ...I know some things about feelings.   They are a sensation that is created in my body in response to life.they are temporary not only are they changing and unpredictable they don’t always reflect reality. When they do it’s just one piece of reality. Feelings are an ingrained way of responding to something. My favorite part is that they are not me. When they move on I will still be here.   But still, I’m okay, because... ...I have some very significant things that no one can take away from me.   I have resilience and inner strength; the ability to smile and care for the person in front of me. I can give and receive. I can pray and believe. I am creative and resourceful and I always get to choose how I respond to everything that comes my way.   When it comes right down to it, I know that I’m okay. Even now while I’m feeling feelings that I don’t like.   When I know that I’m okay I settle down. I can relax and just be in the moment without having to fix anything or blame anyone. I can sink into who I am and what I know is true about myself and my emotions. What I believe about God.   I remember inviting a friend of mine who was getting ready to support her 16-year old through labor and delivery to use these two words. She called afterward to tell me how much it stabilized and steadied her. I was so excited about what she experienced that I told my husband. His response was to jointly say, “wow, Judy so profound” I was unaffected by his sarcasm because I was so excited about the potential in this simple declaration.   Simple perspective shifts like this one where I go from being stressed about what’s going on to Being free to just be where I am are powerful. They free me to treat myself and the people as If We Matter...   I hope you will try it this week and let me know what you think.           Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here.

    Any questions or comments? Email me directly here.

    Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    8 mins
  • 43: You Upset Me (and a few other confessions)

    43: You Upset Me (and a few other confessions)
    Aug 14 2020

    In this episode, Judy describes the way that our human lives bump into each other. As a result, we are always doing and saying things that upset one another.

    The words that offer a new perspective this week are simply, “of course.” Human beings upset each other. That’s just what we do. It’s true because we experience a full range of emotions and the ability to think and choose for ourselves, along with so very much diversity.

    If we plan for the inevitability of upset, we won’t be surprised or caught off guard when it happens. Once we begin to see it as normal, we free ourselves from the instinct to fix or control whatever is causing it. We don’t need to be concerned about the feelings we are experiencing, because they are just an expected and real part of life.

    From there we can relax, evaluate the circumstances that created the feelings, and decide how we want to deal with them. The only other option is to allow the upset feelings to dictate our response and rob us of our full presence in the moment at hand.

    Judy also takes some time to wonder out loud with us about the effectiveness of this platform, for her personally and invites us to evaluate along with her. It’s a moment that could provide clarity, or create more questions. Either way, it pushes the door open a little bit wider for us to see what’s possible in our everyday lives, If We Matter.

    Her declaration, “I’m in it for the freedom,” stands as an invitation to all of us. Her recent experiences of freedom are expressed with a desire to draw us into this journey with her.

    What if you could become a person who is free to relate with life in a way that lines up with your convictions and removes that constant feeling of regret?

    Would that motivate you to join The If We Matter Podcast family and practice new ways of seeing life?

              Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here.

    Any questions or comments? Email me directly here.

    Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    12 mins
  • 42: Why do such imperfect people demand so much perfection from each other?

    42: Why do such imperfect people demand so much perfection from each other?
    Aug 7 2020
    This question has been on my mind a lot lately and I think it’s connected to our fear. Acknowledging my own fear, and the broken ways of relating that have grown out of it creates a great foundation for change. That’s because it humbles me and softens me toward myself. However, the impact will break down into more self-centered denial in the name of self-care, unless we choose to offer the same understanding to others.   Self-centered self-care encourages us to get rid of anyone who doesn’t build us up.   True self-care takes advantage of the negative that’s present in order to understand and care for our souls better. That’s what allows me to show up with others as the person I really want to be rather than letting my fear drive my interactions.   This week's two words for a life-giving mindset are, “you too.”   Once I connect my own broken ways of relating with people to the reality that I’m afraid, I can do the same for you. I am afraid so I judge, blame, and punish you. You too! Your broken ways are driven by your fear too!   Do you know what that means??   It’s HUGE... We don’t have to take anything anyone does or says personally.   It’s not about us... it’s about what’s going on inside of them. We can tell ourselves a more accurate story with words like these:   “Of course you are behaving this way, you are afraid too. You’re afraid of your own limitations and your own failure; afraid I won’t accept you because you are not enough. Even when you try to do the right thing, so often it backfires. You might even be afraid to try again, or just tired of trying. I know these things are happening inside of you because you are a human being just like me. Your story is different, but you have a story. Your fears have grown out of different experiences than mine, but we both find ourselves driven by them, more often than not.”   The difference In the way I relate with someone is huge depending on what I believe about them. Is this person just a bad human who wants to get it wrong? Do they want to hurt me or others? If so, and we are in relationship, I may need to let them know that they are actually destroying their own soul. If those words come from a place of genuine humility and compassion, there is a chance the person might actually hear me! On the other hand, If they are just a human being driven by fear, maybe compassion without words would be more helpful.   I love the way God invites me to relate with people in this verse of the Bible.   Admonish the unruly (those who are just being rebelliously mean and they know it) encourage the fainthearted, help the weak and BE PATIENT WITH ALL PEOPLE.   Even when boundaries are needed, or hard truth has to be spoken, it can be given with a soft and dignifying spirit. It can be kind. You can treat the person the exact way YOU as a person would want to be treated in that moment. What I love most about that Is the way it nurtures my own souls at the same time as it offers life to the other persons.   This week when you find yourself feeling offended, frustrated, or angry (in the little things)... Lean into the person creating those feelings.Look closely at your fellow human with a “me too” mindset.Notice and admit that you are scared and own the reality of the words, “you too.”Relate with this person as you would relate with anyone who is genuinely afraid.   It’s so much better to be afraid together (even if it’s not voiced) than to let fear drive either of us into greater aloneness. Fear is much more powerful in our own lives when we fail to have compassion for the fear we see in others.   This too offers us the kind of internal freedom we need in order to be the people we want to be. It’s easier to be mad and to blame and shame, but in that response, we may be forfeiting our own souls.   I’m reminded of the perspective James Baldwin (I Am Not Your Negro) offers about our past. What we are afraid of, can turn us into criminals.   Reach out for a free breakthrough coaching session and taste the internal freedom that’s available right NOW!   See you in the Facebook group!           Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    11 mins
  • 41: What am I really afraid of?

    41: What am I really afraid of?
    Jul 31 2020

    Today’s episode is fueled by James Baldwin’s story I Am Not Your Negro, which highlights the role of fear in the story of our racism. He speaks powerfully undeniable and profound words straight into the heart of anyone who is willing to listen!

    It got me thinking about fear. We may be living with more fear than most of us Americans are used to. Our American dream has kept us lost in a fantasy world that we are being forced out of. Maybe the issues facing us today are just highlighting fears that we have become good at avoiding.

    The unavoidable reality is that fear drives much of what comes out of us, and it might be the reason we don’t like each other very much right now.

    Today’s episode is an invitation to come out of denial and acknowledge that we are afraid. Fear is part of the human existence and needs to be dealt with consistently and honestly or it will quietly continue to wreck us.

    The invitation:

    1. Acknowledge fear with these words, “I’m scared.”
    2. Admit to yourself that you are scared.
    3. Name what scares you and then keep asking, “but what am I really afraid of?”
    4. Sit and have a conversation with your fear (accept it as normal, console your fear with your commitment to stay with it and offer your strength, speak into your fear the things you know and have and are that offer the confidence to walk through life together).
    5. Watch for the opportunity to remind yourself, “I’m just scared.” Then choose to relate with life at a deeper level than your fear itself can offer.
    6. If you have something robbing you of your own internal freedom you can contact Judy for a free breakthrough coaching session and get a taste of what’s possible!

    “Not everything that is faced changes, but nothing changes until it is faced.”
    - James Baldwin.

    Let’s face our fear together!

    See you in the Facebook group!

     

          Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here.

    Any questions or comments? Email me directly here.

    Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    12 mins