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If We Matter

If We Matter

By: Neal and Judy Brower
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 When Neal and Judy moved to San Francisco they left a Christian “bubble.” Hoping to bring change, they found themselves on a paradigm-shifting journey of personal change. If We Matter is a podcast for people who want authentic and mutual relationships across dividing beliefs. Together, we’ll explore the issues of human dignity, diversity, and conflict. If you want practical tools for transforming relationships this podcast is for you.Judy Brower Leadership Coach 2019 Christianity Relationships Social Sciences Spirituality
Episodes
  • 48: Stories are supposed to change

    48: Stories are supposed to change
    Sep 18 2020
    Seasons change, circumstances change, people change and the world changes. everything is always changing. That means we have to allow and even insist that our stories change or we will find ourselves stuck.   The longer we hold a story the more likely we are to see it as truth. But any stories we hold are, at best, part of the truth. More often they are created in our minds by our own fears insecurities and desires.   The best way to keep from getting stuck is to make stories a part of our everyday thinking; Always aware of them, wondering about the impact they are having in us.   What if accepted the reality that we are hardly ever dealing with facts alone and began to interact intentionally with the stories.   What if we called on our creative energies to rewrite the way we look at life and play with what could be instead of saying stuck in what is?   This week I experience the power of that when I realized that I was holding onto a story that needed to change. Having committed to finishing the first year of this podcast before taking a break, I was pushing through without freedom OR effectiveness to episode 52. I was telling myself the story that my plans had to stay the same even though the circumstances of my life were drastically changing.   It was empowering when I realized that I didn’t have to keep that story. It’s always an option for me to tweak or totally rewrite my stories because they are just stories.   For that reason, I have written in a break starting today with the intention to come back for another round of episodes when it feels right! It feels right and I feel the freedom of choosing my own story!   There is so much more I want to explore about the stories we live in and so many people I still want to interview. In the meantime, I invite you to listen again to the episodes already recorded and allow them to impact your journey. Subscribe to the newsletter to receive updates and reach out by email with questions and input. The Facebook group provides us a place to stay connected and talk about the things we are learning.   Relationships are as fascinating as the people in them. I love to think outside the boxes and use the creativity God our in me for the sake of all that’s possible.   Don’t hesitate to reach out for coaching if you want to thrive more fully in your relationships or figure out why you can’t get there in a particular one. It has been a challenging and powerful year for me. I hope it has for you too.   We all matter more than we think and life is better when we know that.                 Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here.

    Any questions or comments? Email me directly here.

    Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    10 mins
  • 47: The stories we tell - tell the story of us

    47: The stories we tell - tell the story of us
    Sep 11 2020
    I am becoming fascinated by the reality that all of us humans are always telling stories, to ourselves.   Every single observable fact carries meaning to us as individuals. We experience things and instinctively run them through the grid of our past experiences for interpretation. What comes out on the other side is a story. Facts are observable data, stories are things that give meaning to the facts; things like opinions, judgments, and beliefs. We rarely argue the facts with anyone. Facts don’t create stress or drama, they don’t even hurt people’s feelings, it’s the meaning we give to the facts that gives them power.   Stories need to be separated from the facts because facts are objective, while stories are subjective. They can’t be proven and they are different for everyone. Stories are not interchangeable. I can’t borrow your stories, because they don’t have meaning for me. But our stories need to influence each other. My experience of you and your stories is part of the ever-evolving story of my life. To know your stories is to know you.   Because stories are made up, they can’t be right or wrong; just real. That means we can own our own stories and still hold them loosely. We don’t have to defend them or prove them...we just get to see, understand, share and evaluate them.   When a person matters to me, so does their story. It often requires hearing a person's story before we are able to see and accept them for who they are.   Imagine with me the beauty and the power of seeing stories for what they are and allowing them to teach us about ourselves and each other. Imagine becoming aware that stories are present and evolving. They don’t represent the facts, just the way an individual happens to see certain facts at this moment.   Every little argument feels like it’s about the facts; someone is right and someone is wrong, but that’s not how stories work. Stories can’t be right or wrong. Stories just are and they just have to be what they are, until they become expanded my new experiences.   Today’s episode is an invitation to see and value the stories; our own and those of the people around us. People are made of stories. Stories matter because people matter.               Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here.

    Any questions or comments? Email me directly here.

    Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    10 mins
  • 46: Am I Kidding Myself?

    46: Am I Kidding Myself?
    Sep 4 2020
    Such a fascinating question that I asked myself for the first time last night. The answer came so quickly that it surprised me.   Yes... I am always kidding myself and I do it without even noticing.   The reason I believe that, is based on some things I read once in the book Emotional Intelligence by Dan Goleman. Those things have recently resurfaced In my mind through other authors. Let me summarize it for you.   In the context of our normal human existence, we walk through life on guard against things that threaten our sense of worth and well-being. That’s because we actually have a part of our brain that functions as a watchdog for threats. Most of us have experienced the way our body instinctively responds to perceived danger and are aware of the way fear enables us to perform in abnormal ways for the sake of our physical safety. That doesn’t happen very often but it’s nice to know that we are wired to rise up and protect ourselves if it’s needed, right?   What most of us don’t give credence to is the fact that our brain perceives threats to our emotional security almost continuously. Without even realizing we are afraid, our brain activated the rest of the body and we kick into fight or flight mode.   Last night I had a moment that got me in touch with this reality. In a texting conversation (I know.. that was my first mistake) I asked my son a question that was based in fear, but I had no idea that was true because I didn’t feel any fear. In my mind I was following an urge to be more straight forward in all of my communication; especially with my family. I want us to be more free to say what we think and how we feel. Why does that have to be so hard?   I was genuinely kidding myself, even though I couldn’t see it. The reality that my words were rooted in fear was something I didn’t see. But the reactions of both my son and myself proved that they were. My fear sparked his and... well you know the rest of that story.   It didn’t feel good when I went to bed, but I somehow believed it was good. I believed the words I spoke in Episode 45, “pain always leaves something good behind. It did.   It got me in touch with how important it is for me to be aware of my fears before I enter into conversations, social gathers, or show up at work. If I’m aware of my hidden fears I am able to choose how to relate with those fears. I won’t get caught off guard by them and react, instead I can respond. When I respond it can be from a place of knowing -who I am and what’s important to me.   If this is the normal human condition as Dan Goleman and other respected authors tell us, then calling it normal and expecting it to be present, in both of us, becomes really important. It keeps us dealing with the facts of our lives and not just the stories that form around those facts because we are afraid.   When I am not aware of my fears I believe the stories I make up that give meaning to what happens around me. Once I do that, I will either blame myself for being a loser who deserves disrespect or another for being a selfish and mean person who simply doesn’t care whom they hurt. Blame turns to shame and I will direct it outward “shame on you” or inward “shame on me.”   Neither of those produces healthy communication or satisfying relationships.   It makes the question of If we Matter so important. If I am certain that we all matter regardless of what we do or don’t do, I will devote myself to knowing that I matter and helping others believe that they matter too. I will want to honor all of us.   Our challenge for this week is two-fold. To revisit the idea that everyone really does matter (period) and practice seeing people through that lens.To continually ask ourselves what we are afraid of as we walk through the week. Choosing to be mindful that all of us live with a very real sense that we are not enough to actually matter. From there we live to defend any sense of worth that we have or to perform for the sake of gaining some.   I’m intrigued to discover the impact of owning my fears so they don’t have the power to own me.   Will you practice with me? Share your thoughts with me and/or our Facebook community?Reach out to me for a free coaching session to jump-start this way of living?This IS worth it, because we DO matter!               Want to dialogue more? Join our Facebook group here. Any questions or comments? Email me directly here. Ready to start transforming your relationships? Go to our website and check out the resources on my coaching page.
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    17 mins
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