A Thousand Tiny Steps

I didn't know what to do.

This is a story about the first time I realized something wasn't right… and how long that moment stays with you.

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Transcript:

 It was a sunny summer afternoon in 1979. I was wearing a gold polyester uniform. I was a waitress at Weeks Family Restaurant. It was my first actual real job, and I loved it. Interacting with people, talking to people you would never talk to. I loved the people I worked with.

As I looked toward the front of the restaurant, I saw a gentleman come in and sit at the counter. So I went down to give him a menu and see if he wanted coffee or a glass of water.

It was my Grampy Max.

I said, "hi, Grampy Max!" and he grinned at me. I didn't notice anything at first.

"Max, it's me. It's Barbie!" I said to him, to which he responded with a very flirty, inappropriate reply about Barbie dolls.

I was looking at somebody I knew and they had no idea who I was. And saw me not as - a grandchild but as, as someone to flirt with.

I'm one day post funeral for a neighborhood mom. Neil's mother's name was Mary. Mary was your classic stay at home mom that opened her home to everybody. She lived in three different houses on one block, right near Whites Park in Concord.

So I went to the calling hours and I was talking to Neil, and I said, "how are we here? How are we here? I wish it was 1980" and he said, "I wish it was 1987" and that was the year both of us would've been juniors and seniors in high school.

We just wanted to go back to a time where we felt grown up enough to enjoy the grownup things. You know, sneaking beer in a field, I guess, but young enough that our whole life was ahead of us.

And I know for me, and I think it's true for a lot of people, the aging process happens quickly and all of a sudden you find yourself: caring for my mother.

The more I watch her, the more I see, where she's, you know, beginning the long walk home, right? Where she's struggling physically, where she's struggling emotionally, and, and it's a reminder that - there's a lot she just can't do by herself, and that's just the reality of it.

Then I look at Kenny, who's 70, he'll be 71 in September. Am I expecting too much of him? Does he sleep late in the morning 'cause he is just exhausted, not because he's trying to be a jerk? Am I asking too much of him around Jack? He has such a good rapport with Jack, but I, I just notice and watch now.

I'm watching how things change and they change subtly so you don't notice it right away. This hurts me and makes me sad and I'm surrounded by it.  

And I was dumbfounded. I was 15 years old, just about to turn 16, and I was horrified - paralyzed.

The manager of the restaurant watched this interaction and came over to scold Max, my Grampy, and I said, no, no, no, wait. And walked away with him and told him that it was my step-grandfather, that he didn't know me. We should call my grandmother, which we did, and she came down and got him. She didn't realize he left the house.

I was looking at somebody I knew and they had no idea who I was.

I didn't know what to do.

[OUTRO]

I wrote all of this down later, on a crumpled, coffee stained napkin.

If you want to see it, it's in my newsletter.

I hope you like it, Grampy Max.

Credits:

Sleepless by Clavier-Music

Clavier's Youtube

Restaurant Ambience

As I watched Colin Kaepernick's documentary, I thought about the times in my life I felt rejected, times I felt underestimated by the men in my life, and the times I felt outcast by different groups and like I'm constantly walking a path trying to find the right one.

Key Takeaways:

[2:18] Colin Kaepernick's documentary: rejection is not failure, but calibration

[4:09] Colin being adopted and feeling like a second choice

[6:02] I feel like a second choice in many ways

[8:43] What does recalibration and rejection even mean?

[12:37] Trust your power, even when they reject you

[13:46] I feel rejected on the school board

[15:50] How do you find your own path and make a change?

[17:46] Colin gave away so many scholarships

[20:53] Underestimated, overlooked, and outcast

[22:16] Ask the people who are impacted by political choices

Resources:

• Colin In Black & White

Connect with Barb:

Website

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Be a guest on the podcast

YouTube

The Molly B Foundation

I read the most wonderful piece of writing that is short, but so impactful because in five chapters it made me think through all the crap in my life that hasn't gone well, but also to the future and what I could do with it. As I continue into March, I do so with trepidation - and perhaps, just a little hope.

Key Takeaways:

[1:08] Missing Gracie, keeping time, the CrossFit Open, weight gain, and my newsletter

[4:47] An autobiography in five chapters

[6:46] Chapter one: traumatic things that have hobbled me

[7:43] Chapter two: my weight gain

[9:10] Chapter three: my alcohol use

[12:02] Chapter four: the Bahai fast

[14:04] Chapter five: what I could do with my life

[16:02] Coming up with new ways to make money for the foundation

[16:57] How do I personally walk down the street?

[18:45] Having a hard time with God

[20:29] Trying to change behavior

[22:55] My newsletter connects to the podcast

Resources:

• The Karen Kenney Show

• Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Connect with Barb:

Website

Facebook

Instagram

Be a guest on the podcast

YouTube

The Molly B Foundation