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The Gaslight Effect

How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

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The Gaslight Effect

By: Robin Stern
Narrated by: Nan McNamara
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About this listen

 Are You Being Gaslighted?
Check for these telltale signs:
1. You constantly second-guess yourself.
2. You wonder, “Am I being too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
4. You have trouble making simple decisions.
5. You think twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
7. Before your partner comes home from work, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.
8. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases thinking about what your partner would like instead of what would make you feel great.
9. You actually start to enjoy the constant criticism, because you think, “What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.”
10. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don’t have to tell him things you’re afraid might upset him.
11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
13. You frequently wonder if you’re good enough for your lover.
14. Your kids start trying to protect you from being humiliated by your partner.
15. You feel hopeless and joyless.

Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time.

Your boss backed you on a project when you met privately in his office, and you went full steam ahead. But at a large gathering of staff—including yours—he suddenly changes his tune and publicly criticizes your poor judgment. When you tell him your concerns for how this will affect your authority, he tells you that the project was ill-conceived and you’ll have to be more careful in the future. You begin to question your competence.

Your mother belittles your clothes, your job, your friends, and your boyfriend. But instead of fighting back as your friends encourage you to do, you tell them that your mother is often right and that a mature person should be able to take a little criticism.

If you think things like this can’t happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is when someone wants you to do what you know you shouldn’t and to believe the unbelieveable. It can happen to you and it probably already has.

How do we know? If you consider answering “yes” to even one of the following questions, you’ve probably been gaslighted:

Does your opinion of yourself change according to approval or disapproval from your spouse?

When your boss praises you, do you feel as if you could conquer the world?

Do you dread having small things go wrong at home—buying the wrong brand of toothpaste, not having dinner ready on time, a mistaken appointment written on the calendar?

Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from. That’s because it plays into one of our worst fears—of being abandoned—and many of our deepest needs: to be understood, appreciated, and loved. In this groundbreaking guide, the prominent therapist Dr. Robin Stern shows how the Gaslight Effect works and tells you how to: Turn up your Gaslight Radar, so you know when a relationship is headed for trouble.

Includes a bonus PDF of appendices from the book. Abuse Dysfunctional Families Dysfunctional Relationships Parenting & Families Personal Development Psychology Psychology & Mental Health Relationships Self-Esteem Marriage

Critic Reviews

Compassionate and honest in equal parts, the Gaslight Effect is like a sturdy, truth-telling friend in difficult times. Robin Stern will show you you’re not alone in your toxic relationship, and she’ll also help you identify your role and how to change–and be a stronger, wiser person as a result.”
—Rachel Simmons, bestselling author of Odd Girl Out

An essential survival tool. In a clear, comforting, and sophisticated voice, therapist Robin Stern takes her psychologically abused readers on a step-by-step journey that will help them take control of their lives and their destinies.”
—Phyllis Chesler, PhD, author of Woman’s Inhumanity To Woman
All stars
Most relevant
I understand that women are more likely to seek this help out, and that men are more likely to gaslight, but for the men who are looking for help it’s extremely off-putting to have the abuser in this book referred to only as male.

Fantastic book, hate the pronouns used.

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My eyes have been opened. I have to thank FB for recommending this book completely randomly on an ad. It’s almost divine intervention- something I didn’t believe in. My entire life I fall for the same trap in relationships. I never realised my part and how to spot the most glaringly obvious signs from others! I have come to believe I am a good, loveable, capable person within myself and no longer seek validation of that from those closest to me. Midday through this book I realised that both my new partner and close friend were using every tactic in this book to gaslight me!? Once I’d seen it, I couldn’t un-see it! Made the easy decision to cut them out of my life and I’m so much happier for it! Now other doors have opened almost immediately and I have new friends that don’t use these toxic traits I fall for, that have no ulterior motive and I’m happy within myself with my own company for the first time in my life. To the author - thank you. Sincerely. I’ve been struggling with depression for a very long time and with these newly taught tools you may have literally saved my life. I’ve also put clear boundaries in place with my parents and no longer line for their approval. It’s changed our relationship for the better! I knew I was the common denominator as all my long term relationships have gone down the same path with me coming in happy and strong, falling head over heels and 5 years later having no sense of self and being a “doormat” but I had no idea how to change it. I am the exact example of a “gaslightee” as spoken about in the book. Since I became aware of my traits I have stopped any further gaslighting occur immediately in all areas of my life. I recommend this book to anyone who feels they become manipulated without realising it until things are out of control or find themselves in relationships with people where they become a “doormat” or for anyone wanting to feel strong and happy within themselves, by themselves. Thank you again.

This book has changed my life

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The content for this book is very generous with examples and attempts to engage you. I found this great.

It shows you different types of gaslighting, traps people fall into and why. It shows healthy responses to gaslighting and intimidation. It’s always great to understand why you were a “victim” and how to reduce future occurrences.

The narrator is not a great fit but when you speed her up it’s better.

I would “de-sex” the book/examples. If you came as far as buying a book regardless of what genitals you have — you don’t need to be treated as an average statistic. This is a common theme in ALL books on this topic. Despicable.

Good

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look, this has been incredibly insightful for sure, but God it is repetitious which is frustrating as all hell

great advice

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Great Narration. Overall very enlightening with great perspectives. It's just a shame there wasn't a more even view of Male Female examples

overall great book

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