Showing results by author "Bill Bernico" in All Categories

Crime Never Pays runs 1 hour and 57 minutes and consists of the following short 10 short stories: "A Perfect Match," "Cellblock," "Cocaine," "Dog Day Morning," "Is It Safe?," "Loan Shark," "New On The Job," "Stella And The Chief," "The Fish Tie Strangler," and "Trick Or Treat."

Lieutenant Dean Hollister asked private eye Clay Cooper to assist him on a stakeout job. Dean's trying to get the goods on a hired killer named Aldo Renatti. So far he's been unsuccessful but he has one more trick up his sleeve and with Clay's help, he must just be able to nab this ruthless assassin...and his little dog, too.

Raymond Chandler would turn over in his grave if he ever heard this one. It is my tribute to the man who gave us classic novels like The Big Sleep, Farewell My Lovely, Red Wind, Trouble Is My Business and scores of other noir stories from the 30s and 40s. In this story, Philip Harlowe (no relation to Jean) is hot on a case, tracking down a valuable object. Chandler fans will no doubt recognize this as a satire and a parody to the above mentioned Chandler stories.

Nothing exciting ever happened to Melissa Berkley. It was time to try to change that, she thought. She stood on the stern of the ship looking out at the horizon. Most of the other passengers stayed inside, or sat on the deck chairs with something to read. Melissa had something to read herself, even if it was just a short note on a post card that read: "To whomever finds this bottle: I dropped it overboard in the middle of Lake Michigan on this, the third day of September 1997. If you find it, please mail this post card back to me and let me know where you found it."

Every community, including Delbert, Alabama, has its share of bullies. Jasper McKeever was the local bully and everyone knew they'd better give a wide berth to Jasper wherever he went. Jasper comes upon a roadside fireworks stand and requisitions, shall we say, his share of explosives. Now, what will he do with them? Will he terrorize the citizens of Delbert? Or will he keep this entertainment all to himself? Find out as Jasper meets his match.

It's been decades since the beatings and harassment and the humiliation of this high school bully, yet here he was big as life standing right in front of you at the car rental counter. You may never get this chance again. Go for it. Tell him what a jerk he was and how you'd like to punch his lights out. You jump over the counter, ready to exact your vengeance but you stop. Your bully is supporting himself on two crutches and he has braces on both legs. Now what? You can't very well beat up a cripple. Or can you?

Gloria and Elliott are on their way to Las Vegas to get married, but will they make it? A lot of things can happen between Los Angeles and Las Vegas. To make matters more hectic, they've just taken on two new cases. How to fit it all in?

Jeff could see the lettering on the side of the armored truck as it made a wide left turn on the street just ahead of his own car. He pushed down on the turn signal arm and followed, not because he wanted to, but because he happened to be going that way, too. Jeff grabbed the radio knob and twisted, looking for a clear signal. Keeping one eye on the road and the other on the dial, he turned until a song came in clear and strong.

Here are thirteen short Cooper Stories compiled into one novella.

Is it possible to scare someone to death? Absolutely. And that's just what this pair of killers is doing so as not to leave any traces of trauma on the victims. Each death appears to be caused by a heart attack. Why does Elliott NOT want to get involved in this case, now that his business is called Cooper and Son again? The answers are all right here in this 122nd installment of the four generations of Coopers in the private eye business.

You agree to meet with a hit man, but the person you want him to kill is... YOU. You're dying of bone cancer and this is the only way to make the insurance company pay so you can take care of your family when you're gone. This cat-and-mouse story is not all it seems, but the hit goes down exactly as planned.

You wake up one morning with the weight of the world on your shoulders. You just lost your job, your girlfriend dumped you and you're about to be evicted from your apartment. Is it worth even going on anymore? Maybe not, but before you pull that trigger why not give a call to the folks at the suicide hotline. Maybe they can help. How good are these people at their job? Someone's gonna die no matter what. And there ain't a thing you can do about it.

Jerry Bernard is the sleaziest of all sleazeball car salesmen. And when he gets Elliott Cooper in his grasp, you know one of them is going to get screwed...and it won't be Jerry. Gloria has gone along with Elliott to look at new cars. Elliott's new at these sales negotiations, Jerry is not. In fact, after Jerry financially rapes his customers, he tells his sales manager that he just took a passage from the bible -"I saw a stranger and took him in." He took Elliott in, all right, but payback can be a real bitch.

What do you suppose would happen if, through a series of unfortunate events, you found yourself trapped in an asylum and couldn't get out again? Alma, our main character in this bizarre tale, finds herself in just such a predicament. Now she's on the run, down the halls and corridors of Pine Haven Sanitarium with a tall, husky orderly in white hot on her heels. She finds refuge in one resident's room but soon wishes she'd stayed to face the orderly.

"Get in. We're goin' for a ride." Art grabbed Eddie's left arm, while his partner, Gordo took the other arm. They hurried Eddie along the sidewalk and nearly threw him into the back seat. Eddie quickly scooted across the seat and cowered in the corner near the opposite door. Gordo crawled in next to him while Art slid in behind the wheel. The car squealed away from the curb and headed out of town on the Old Plank Road. Eddie has a fifty-fifty chance of coming out of this alive.

Matt's in line at the bank, trying to cash the check from his latest client. He's carrying his .38 in the holster under his arm, when suddenly, the man in line ahead of him turns around and yells to the customers that this is a holdup and that everyone should hit the floor. A fast-thinking clerk hits the silent alarm, trapping the robber in the bank. Now, in order to get out, he's gonna have to take a hostage, but who will it be?

It's 2002 now and Matt's 91. Clay is 52 and his grandson, Elliott is 22. Elliott wants to be a writer and has asked grandpa Matt if he and his private eye exploits would like to be the subject of his first book. Matt agrees and tells Elliott the story of how it all began back in the 1930s. This story starts in 1934 and has Matt telling of his beginnings in the Chicago Police Department, his move to Los Angeles, his beginnings in the Los Angeles Police Department, his first marriage to Stella and life after her death.

You have lived with your sister all your life and now you're comfortable with your day to day routines. She dies and you feel lost. What else can go wrong? How about a break-in at your house while you're out? Burglars steal the one thing you could not live without. But wait, your sister may still be able to help with justice and retribution. But how's that possible?

It's 1964. Philip Duran has been driving all night to make a sales meeting in the wee hours of the morning in Hollywood. Vern Grayson has the purchasing power at MGM. Mr. Duran's new invention could be just the thing MGM needs to pull ahead of its competitors, but can Duran convince Grayson to buy his contraption? Find out here, because Philip Duran will do, anything for a sale.

Tom Andrews watches as the luxury liner he set sail on slips into the South Pacific. It seems that he and one of the ship's crew, Ed Mullins are the only survivors and they're adrift in a lifeboat. This story follows their progress from the lifeboat to an uncharted island where they make a comfortable shelter for themselves while they figure out if and when they may be rescued.