Showing results by author "Jeff Strand" in All Categories

A cheerful snack mascot who snaps under the pressure. The nightmarish effects of the most depressing holiday song of all time. A virtual-reality environment that allows you to enact your most depraved fantasies...sort of. Giant mutant cockroaches doing battle with zombies in the Old West. An unnerving discovery in the Book of Revelations. The true secret of silent comedian Buster Keaton's success. Plus a Halloween curse, a lot of psychopaths, and much more!

Poor Ezra was about to have a very bad accident. One that would leave him trapped where he might never be found. Trapped with Virgil, who was not a very nice dummy. Virgil, who was about to make this blood-soaked nightmare so much worse....

As Rod Sterling famously said, "You unlock this door with the key to your imagination". Sixteen tales of horror and woe are ensconced here.

After a series of bizarre and increasingly horrific attacks from pulpy, red, seeded fruit, Mason Dixon finds himself leading a "crack" team of specialists to save the planet. But will they be quick enough to save everyone? To save you? You can't run! You can't swim!

From the madman who brought you Gleefully Macabre Tales, Dead Clown Barbecue, Everything Has Teeth, and Candy Coated Madness comes Jeff Strand’s latest and most twisted collection: Freaky Briefs.

"You want to pay me to sleep with your wife?" Kirk is extremely surprised by Ralph's proposition. He's even more surprised by the next part: Kirk is supposed to perform badly, to make Ralph look good by comparison. And Julie isn't supposed to know that any of this was planned. It's the kind of offer any smart, sane person would turn down. But this is not a book about smart, sane people. This is "bad decisions spiral out of control" all the way. From the Bram Stoker Award-nominated author of Pressure and Dweller comes something lighter, goofier, and way smuttier.

This novel is the tale of Stanley Dabernath, zombie. A regular guy who dies, is brought back to life as a ghastly walking cadaver, and becomes the international sensation hailed by the press as The Amazing Mr. Corpse. Fame! Wealth! Groupies! Despite his ghoulish appearance, Stanley finds himself living the dream. But in many ways, it’s harder to be a celebrity than a zombie. The suits behind Project Second Chance want to tell him how to behave in public. There’s constant pressure coming at him from all sides—not to mention that many people consider him a vile blasphemy.

As a stay-at-home dad taking care of triplets, Andrew Mayhem's days of getting into wild adventures are over. His life is measured in diaper changes. Sleep has become an abstract concept, something oft-discussed with his wife, Helen, but rarely experienced. So, when internet celebrity explorer Percival Longshore asks Andrew and his best friend, Roger, to travel with him on a good old-fashioned treasure hunt, Andrew laughs off the idea.

In this dark and hilarious new adventure, Andrew has started up a private investigation business with his best friend Roger (slogan: "We Solve Weird Problems"). Since his options in life will become somewhat more limited after his wife Helen gives birth to triplets, it's his last-ditch effort to get out of being stuck with a corporate day job. One of their first clients is an attractive woman named Shirley. Keeping with the kind of luck Andrew has had his entire life, her problem is: "I think I may be a serial killer".

Razor-sharp teeth. Vicious claws. The soul-piercing eyes that stare you down right before it pounces. What will you do when it’s you against a purveyor of pure evil? You think it’s just a dream? Think again. These nightmare creatures have transcended the pages of the books they were written into, they’ve ripped their way from the silver screen, and now they are coming for you. There is nowhere to hide - they will find you. But the question remains. Do you have what it takes to conquer the beast or will you let it destroy you?

Meet the new, improved Andrew Mayhem. He has a real job. He’s a better father and husband. And he’s vowed to quit accepting money from strange women in coffee shops to perform tasks that go terribly, terribly wrong. This time, he’s just taking a relaxing camping trip with his family and best friend. No shortcuts. The gas tank is full. The sinister warning of the crazy old man is taken seriously. Unfortunately, when you’re Andrew Mayhem, you just can’t help being attacked by a group of savage killers bent on inflicting ghastly torture and bringing horrific death.

Frank knows that he's creepy. There's nothing he can do about it. His creepiness - along with the fact that his father once killed 11 people in an office shooting - has kept him from ever having a girlfriend. When he finally works up the nerve to ask Abigail out on a date, after buying flowers from her every day for the past three months, he's sure she'll say no. But she accepts. These two kindhearted but weird souls have found each other, and Frank thinks his life is about to change for the better. But this is not a love story. This is a tale of revenge and madness.

Cemetery Dance Magazine says that, "No author working today comes close to Jeff Strand's perfect mixture of comedy and terror." Gleefully Macabre Tales compiles 33 of his most twisted blends of cringe-worthy horror and ghoulish humor, with a couple of serious pieces thrown in just to mess with you.

A city where people are turning gleefully insane. Inescapable blood-sucking bugs. A serial killer who may have discovered proof of alien life. A kinky proposal to "even out" an instance of infidelity. A man whose fingernails are growing at an out of control rate. These are only a few of the stories in Jeff Strand's deranged new collection, which includes several macabre tales written just for these bloody audiobook.

Rod's life doesn't suck. If you ask him, it's pretty awesome. He may not be popular, but he and his best friends play in a band that has a standing gig. Yeah, it's Monday night and they don't get paid, but they can crank the volume as loud as they want. And Rod's girlfriend is hot, smart, and believes in their band - believes in Rod. Aside from a winning lottery ticket, what more could he ask for? Answer: A different cousin. When Rod's scheming, two-faced cousin Blake moves in for the semester, Rod tries to keep calm. Blake seems to have everyone else fooled....

Nathan Pepper seemed like an ordinary baby -- except for a mouth full of scary sharp teeth. Because his life began with his grandmother strongly recommending that he be destroyed as soon as possible, it's safe to say that Nathan was not destined for a typical existence.

Charlie Stanlon is a serial killer. A ghastly, vicious sociopath who chains women to a table in his basement and tortures them to death. He has no friends. He has no family. He despises his co-workers. His only pleasure in life is to cause pain and terror...until the day he finds an adorable Boston terrier and takes it home.

Strand's perpetually unlucky character Andrew Mayhem sets off on a simple mission at the request of his wife: Get some spaghetti sauce. On his way to the store he meets Konrath's obnoxious private eye Harry McGlade, co-star of the Lt. Jack Daniels thrillers. Horrific violence, bad jokes, and lots of name calling soon ensues. Some sex, too, but not between the main characters.

For all of human history ghosts were real and they were everywhere. Then, one day, after a horrible cataclysm, they all disappeared. That was the story of THE PERFECTLY FINE HOUSE. But there are more tales to be told from that world.

Tune in, turn on, and drop in to the rock 'n' roll rabbit hole! Along Comes Scary is set in an alternate spooky ’60s where vampires play screaming guitars, hell-bound hotrodders start a new trend on AM radio, and there are groupies who will do anything for a piece of their favorite band. Stories include "Papa’s Got a Brand-New Body Bag", "Hell-A Woman", and "She’s Got a Ticket to Die".