Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we try to mediate the dispute between a hard-working newspaper man and some British twat. You’ll be Wai Lin for more after you listen to our pun-peppered discussion of “Tomorrow Never Dies”.

* The pre-titles sequence has Bond busting up a bizarre bazaar before jumping in a jet with no ejection protection - then the titles song plays over some very Zorin-esque visuals. A stealth ship sinks a submarine - forcing sailors to evacuate (“This is not a drill! Well, it is… technically”). Elliot Carver, owner of a media group, is eager to get this story into Tomorrow’s news.

* Moneypenny tells Bond to spit out a mouthful of Danish so he can go investigate the sunken sub. Before leaving, James checks in with Q to pick up some gadgets. Bond reunites with Carver’s wife (Paris) and immediately goes from banker to wanker. Wai Lin distracts Carver - who has his heavies haul Bond away to a soundproof room. Bond beats them up and returns to his hotel; Paris arrives, giving Bond an eyeful.

* Bond breaks into Carver’s printing press and steals a GPS encoder from the safe - beating Wai Lin to it. James heads back his hotel room, where Dr Kaufman is waiting for him. The doctor has already operated on Paris, and is about to kill James. Shockingly, Bond convinces Kaufman to electrocute himself and then uses Q’s remote-control car to escape Carver’s idiot henchmen.

* Bond takes the encoder and jets off to meet Jack Wade. After a quick HALO, Bond is underwater and sneaking into that sunken sub. Wai Lin pops in, adding enough extra weight to activate gravity. She and James ditch the scuba tanks and escape via what may or may not be a torpedo tube.

* Bond and Wai Lin are captured and brought to help Carver write their obituaries, but they jump out of a window and steal a motorcycle. Some exciting stunts lead - naturally - to Bond and Wai Lin having an outdoor shower, before hopping on some junk to go find Carver’s stealth ship.

* Carver thinks he has made Bond his new anchorman, but Bond is busy killing hundreds of henchmen. Finally, James confronts Carver and forces Elliot to face his fate. James stamps out one more henchman; then saves Wai Lin from drowning. They choose to hide from their rescuers in order to get some action on a floating door.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #18: Elliot Carver uses Scaramanga’s lair to hide his stealth boat. Scaramanga spread so much distrust and superstition about the area that the local fishermen are still reluctant to go anywhere nearby.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have the Mohs Scale re-written with Dunlop Volleys listed as the hardest mineral!

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