Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we learn all about how bullets help brains. Join us as we salvage this disaster of a film by throwing Christmas puns at “The World is not Enough”.

* The pre-titles sequence begins with Bond being a banker. MI6 blows his pile of cash, so Bond’s back in a boat, being a spy! Bond busts his shoulder by letting go of a balloon. Then the titles occur over inoffensive music.

* A King has been killed, so MI6 retreats to a Scottish castle. Bond is outraged by M stealing his “personal vendetta” schtick, and is forced to get a leg over the doctor to prove his shoulder is fine. In other MI6 news, a bumbling oaf is now in charge of the gadgets as Q takes his cue with a perfect exit.

* The archvillain Renard has a bullet in the brain - so is obviously now unable to feel pain AND is gaining strength. James hits the alps for some long-overdue skiing, and joins King’s daughter Elektra atop some mountain. Their flirtatious frolicking is interrupted by some parachuting snowmobiles that chase Bond downhill. Luckily, James is able to evade them all and also use his jacket-ball to protect Elektra from an avalanche.

* Bond shrugs off Elektra’s name-calling and visits a casino to meet an old friend. James uses his x-ray specs to see through all sorts of things before costing Elektra a pile of cash in the most boring of all casino games.

* Meanwhile, Renard is juggling hot rocks while Elektra’s bodyguard assassinates some physicist. This provides James the opportunity to create a fake ID and impersonate this 60-year-old Russian. This ruse gets by Renard’s henchmen pretty easily, but the interrogative powers of Dr. Christmas Jones almost blow Bond’s cover!

* Below ground, James finds Renard but holds off on shooting him - knowing that this will only make Renard stronger. Dr. Christmas arrives and announces that Bond is not Dr. Arkov. This results in a lot of explosions and all sorts of implausible events, culminating in James dragging Jones above ground through some hatch.

* James and Jones mess up some math and decide that it is time to jump on a pipeline trolley to chase down some runaway plutonium. This leads to an explosion in an oil pipeline that does not even soil Bond’s white shirt. Meanwhile, Elektra has turned evil and taken M hostage.

* Bond visits Valentin’s caviar farm to learn more about Elektra’s Stockholm Syndrome. The aerial side-trimmers return to break Bond’s BMW, but James and Dr. Christmas stay out of trouble until Bullion blows his bag. Elektra has M in a cage and ties Bond to a chair.

* Elektra and Renard have some unsatisfying sex, then she sends him to steal a sub so he can spoil some oil pipelines. Valentin is shot by Elektra, and uses his last dying action to save Bond. James helps M out of her cage on his way to execute Elektra, and is then free to dive for Renard’s submarine. Once inside the sub, Bond saves Christmas and crashes the sub against the sea floor. With water gushing in, it is time to find Renard!

* After a short fight, Bond is able to hook up some pneumatic hoses in such a fashion that Renard is speared by his own plutonium rod. This leaves Bond free to subject Christmas to a similar fate, albeit on a Turkish balcony. The single worst line of dialogue in a Bond film is at the least the end of this mess.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to keep Coltrane out of our caviar!

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