I was afraid of everything for as long as I remember. Late in my drinking career, I woke up with a racing mind and pounding chest, terrified of the day and convinced I needed a drink to relieve the fear. My anxiety was a constant hum beneath my skin. Chardonnay was my solution that quieted the chaos. When I discovered the morning drink, it felt like a breakthrough to steady my trembling morning hands, quiet my ill stomach, and silence the panic attacks.

I was constructing my prison. Each drink that promised relief deepened my dependence, convincing me I was managing my fear while I was just feeding it. The comfort I found in alcohol was a temporary pause from my fear of living and then magnified it. My life became smaller and darker and revolved entirely around alcohol. I was silencing life itself. Facing it sober was terrifying at first but was the only way to begin living.

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