Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we are warned that the dead are alive but not that history is about to be re-written. Join us as we chop down Bond’s family tree in “Spectre”.

* The pre-titles sequence sees Bond destroy Day of the Dead in a single take before ambushing an ambitious helicopter pilot. Sam Smith’s falsetto-filled title track is not enough to distract the eye from the tentacle-porn.

* Back in London, M sends Bond to bed without supper. Max steps away from the cover of “Punchable Face” magazine to C how rude he can be to M. James invites Moneypenny to his barely-furnished apartment to show her a video from beyond the grave.

* MI6 calls on Q to track Bond’s stress, whereabouts, and inebriation. James convinces Q to give him a couple of days off-grid. Despite the time constraints, 007 drives to Italy. As Spectre pay respects to Sciarra, Bond bangs the widow before posing as Mickey Mouse to infiltrate Spectre’s meeting. Guerra has his eyes on a job - until his eyes are on Hinx’s thumbs. Blofeld’s bird-calls baffle Bond before he flies away to the comfort of a car-chase.

* When C sees the losing vote, M drones on. Bond joins Mr White for some chess, before swanning about at Dr Madeline’s clinic. After failing yet another psychiatric session, James gives Q a ring before flying after kidnappers in cars. After saving Swann, she spells out Spectre’s secrets - so James whisks her away to Tunisia. Mr White’s secret Blo-cator room reveals the lair where Spectre is situated.

* James and Madeline catch the next train to the Spectre station, which leads to some Hinx hijinks. Blofeld treats his captives very well, until he screens Mr White’s death and drills into Bond’s brain. James forgets everything except for his Latin lessons, thankfully. After a reasonably easy escape, Bond and Swann fly back to London to team up with MI6.

* Blofeld has contrived a convoluted plan to torture James in the ruins of MI6 headquarters, but Bond is able to escape the building by boat. Blofeld barrels into a bridge by Big Ben, but Bond refuses to finish the job. M arrests Blofeld, while James and Madeline drive off in Connery’s car.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #25: A 007 ride at a theme park should be called The Wetbike. Who wouldn’t line up for hours for a chance to use the Nautical Entrance and ride the wetbike?

Worst Impersonation Trophy: Benso returns to the winner’s circle with a hesitant faux-European attempt at Dr. Swann justifying her own inclusion on a highly dangerous mission. Don’t worry about what happened to your father, Madeline - what has Benso done to your voice?!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition welcoming the NSA to our listenership!

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