Dear Permission to Be Powerful reader,

Raising your standards sucks.

It’s a bittersweet feeling.

Because I can see two futures depending on what I choose.

If I settle…

If I tolerate more than I should…

If I abandon myself…

If I let someone walk all over me and ignore my boundaries…

Then I suffer.

My mental health falls apart.

I hate myself.

I feel small.

I feel weak.

I feel disrespected.

I feel resentful.

I already know where that leads.

But when I maintain my standards…

When I hold my boundaries…

When I refuse to settle for less than what I know is right…

That also sucks.

Because now, I have to face reality.

Now I can look at you…

And you look amazing.

My body is screaming yes.

Please.

I want you.

Bad…

But my nervous system?

F**k no.

Stay the f**k away from that girl.

She’s bad for you.

She will use you.

Every time you’re around her…

You feel small.

You feel weak.

You feel used.

You feel like an errand boy.

You feel disrespected.

There’s a power imbalance.

It’s one-sided.

She drains you.

And if you mess with her…

She’ll give you an amazing night.

And then she’ll ruin your life.

So now I have a choice.

Because I know what tolerating disrespect gets me.

I know what ignoring red flags gets me.

And once you see the pattern…

You can’t unsee it.

You don’t need 5,000 days to confirm what you saw on day one.

And it’s not just with women.

I told my cousin I was at my breaking point.

Not I was having a bad day…

My breaking point.

He responded with a sales pitch for his new AI software.

Some people can’t see you.

And if you don’t catch that early…

You’ll spend years trying to be understood by people who were never capable of understanding you.

I’ve been treated right.

I know what it’s like.

And once you’ve felt that…

Settling becomes unbearable.

So here I am.

Alone.

But honest.

Saying no to the bad…

So I can make room for the good.

Refusing to abandon myself under any circumstances.

Tony VEditor-in-ChiefPermission to be Powerful

Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,

The Rochester Zen Center…

Has a mouse problem.

We’re losing this war badly.

These mice are completely unafraid.

The softies here at the center are out of their element.

They hate killing.

As Buddhists, we believe in living in harmony with all sentient beings.

And the mice love us for it.

Sometimes, I see them scurrying around in broad daylight.

I’m remembering that old movie, Joe’s Apartment.

Except the roaches are swapped out for rodents.

Every night, I go to sleep…

That’s when the stage lights come on…

They start singing a number…

And they line-dance over the counters.

The next day, they leave a trail of poop behind.

One staff member calls them “Fred.”

“Should we leave a snack out for Fred tonight?” he jokes.

Another imagines one mouse bragging to his friends about the team of professionals who cook him a five-star meal every day.

Everyone here is a conscientious objector.

Nobody will even eat meat.

We’re far too kind-hearted to do what’s required.

So the lethal options are off the table.

No poison.

No cats.

And the traps don’t work.

Dozens of them. All empty.

It’s like they know exactly what it is, and they know to avoid it.

Not even peanut butter tempts them.

One night, I walked into the staff kitchen…

And saw a mouse, ass up under the toaster…

Eating crumbs like it owned the place.

Like Nero at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I had seconds.

I grabbed a towel.A box.

It spotted me and ran behind the bread basket.

I waited.

It came out the other side.

I dropped the towel, pinned it, grabbed it…

And slammed it into the box.

Caught.

For once.

I kept it there overnight.

Nobody wanted to kill it.

Of course not.

If we let it outside, it would come right back.

One guy offered to take it home for his cat.

Fine.

He gets home…

Opens the box…

Reaches for the cat…

And in that tiny window—

The mouse escapes.

Starts a new life there.

That’s how it works.

Nobody does what’s necessary.

So the problem survives.

Then it multiplies.

And eventually…

It owns the place.

We locked everything down.

Tupperware. Sealed containers. No food in rooms.

For a moment, it looked like we’d won.

They got skinny.

Then they found other food.

At night, they slide under my door.

I hear them scurrying.

I wake up feeling violated.

Like a burglar was just in my house.

So I bought thick foam to block the gap.

Now I hear them chewing at it.

In the morning, there are bits of foam outside my door.

For now, they haven’t gotten in.

Nothing leaves me feeling more broke…

Than having mice for roommates.

TonyEditor-in-ChiefPermission to be Powerful

Dear Permission to Be Powerful reader,

I went on a date.

Before it even started, I told her:

“I feel nervous.”

That was enough.

She stormed out.

Canceled immediately.

And just like that, the whole thing collapsed.

Not after a fight…

Or anything dramatic.

Just… the presence of a need.

At first, you want to explain it away.

Maybe she’s guarded.Maybe she’s not that invested yet.

But then you look at the pattern.

Every time I wanted anything at all…

The answer was always no.

Even when it was small.

It was as if there was an unspoken condition from the start:

I was supposed to show up with no needs.

No friction. No weight. No interior life.

Just usefulness.

And the moment that wasn’t true?

Everything shut down.

I’ve seen selfish before.

I’ve dated selfish.

I’ve been married to selfish.

Even then, there was at least a flicker of recognition.

A moment where someone looks at you and asks:

“What’s wrong?”

Here?

Nothing.

Not once.

No questions.

No pause.

No adjustment.

Just a steady, unbroken focus on herself.

You don’t need deep emotional support on a first date.

But you do need something.

A flicker.

That’s the floor.

And when it’s not there, something becomes very clear:

For this to work… you have to disappear.

Become wantless…

Needless…

Invisible.

One minute, you’re abandoning yourself in seemingly harmless ways.

The next, the other person has taken over your life.

Because from the outside, it doesn’t look extreme.

She can seem:

SoftKindAttentive… to other people

I’ve seen her across the room. Watching me. Smiling. Warm.

From a distance, it looks completely normal.

But up close?

There’s no space for you.

The mechanism is simple.

Your needs don’t register as:

“This person matters.”

They register as:

“This is getting in the way.”

Not consciously. Not maliciously.

Just… structurally.

So something as small as:

“I feel nervous.”

isn’t received as connection.

It’s received as friction.

And the interaction ends.

I could have played along.

I know how.

Be easy.

Be useful.

Don’t ask for anything.

Be grateful for whatever I get.

Stay light.

Stay accommodating.

Never shift the focus.

And yeah—I could’ve had her.

But I know what that gets you.

Crumbs.

Just enough to stay.

And in exchange, you give up something slowly:

yourself.

You abandon yourself just by being in the dynamic at all.

Some people insist on it.

I’ve lived that.

To the point where I lost entire years of my life.

To the point where therapists told me:

“That wasn’t a relationship. You were completely subjugated.”

I moved countries.

Disappeared.

Built my life around someone who had no room for me.

So when I see the pattern now—

I don’t debate it.

I recognize it.

My body rejects it before my mind gets to have a say.

Before I get tempted to go back to the familiar.

There was a pull.

There always is.

She reminded me of someone I once loved deeply.

Someone who treated me with quiet contempt.

And my body still remembers that.

But I don’t follow it anymore.

So I didn’t chase.

I didn’t escalate.

I didn’t perform.

I gave her nothing.

Not out of spite.

Out of recognition.

Because the real decision isn’t:

“Is this person good or bad?”

It’s:

What version of me does this dynamic require?

And I’m not becoming that person again.

Now, to be clear—

This is my interpretation.

She’s not here to explain herself.

But I’ve spent years studying my own life closely.

Because I had to.

I lived in a world where people took from me constantly—and I didn’t even see it.

Waking up from that changes how you see everything.

These dynamics aren’t rare.

They’re just quiet.

Most people stay.

They justify it.They hope.They wait for something to shift.

It doesn’t.

TonyEditor-in-ChiefPermission to be Powerful