This week on Nate Knows Nothing, I bought a stranger a slice of pizza and accidentally had my most wholesome moment of 2025. Meanwhile, my fake owl has become a pigeon magnet, and the new pope just reignited Chicago’s crosstown baseball beef. Turns out he’s a lifelong White Sox fan, and yes, the Cubs tried to claim him anyway.

Over in corporate clownery, HBO Max rebranded back to HBO Max, officially making it the most indecisive streaming service since whatever Quibi was. In Norway, a fruit company opened a banana shipment and found 40 million dollars worth of cocaine, which honestly is the most exciting thing to ever happen to a banana.

And TikTok? It’s turning caviar into a driveway snack. Pair it with fries, chips, tater tots, you name it, they’re putting fish eggs on it. Also, national parks are now being promoted via thirst traps. It’s conservation with abs.

It’s a weird one this week. Dumb, rich in sodium, and blessed by a pope with strong Sox energy.

This week on Nate Knows Nothing, I recap a Mother’s Day weekend that included my mom and my mother-in-law watching me do stand-up, so, no pressure there.

Meanwhile, teenagers are lighting Chromebooks on fire in school bathrooms as part of the viral #ChromebookChallenge, because nothing says “future leaders” like burning laptops for clout.

Over in the sports world, Chelsea’s Cole Palmer thinks 100 versions of himself could beat up a gorilla if enough of them die first. Makes sense. One guy discovered grass growing out of his bedroom carpet, thanks to some birdseed, a space heater, and what I can only assume is a cursed lease.

In New York, a man has turned himself into a human rug and invites strangers to walk on him. Performance art or untreated trauma? You decide. Finally, a woman’s bad day turned around when a stranger pulled up next to her at a stoplight and introduced her to his fashion-forward baby goats wearing Burberry harnesses.

It’s a weird one this week. Dumber than usual, in all the best ways.

This week on Nate Knows Nothing: I got a haircut and instantly regretted it, there’s a new pope from Chicago (allegedly), and a college student tried to climb Mt. Fuji like it was a treadmill at Planet Fitness. We’re talking robot waiters in Havana, a cruise ship bomb threat that somehow made Florida more Florida, and why no one should ever trust me with scissors or plans.

Plus: I’m live at The Den Theatre in Chicago this Saturday — don’t miss it (and please don’t call in fake threats if you’re running late).