In this powerful solo episode of the Lunch with Leaders podcast, host Adaeze Iloeje-Udeogalanya⁠, a TEDx speaker, leadership strategist, and founder of African Women in STEM, delivers a deeply personal reflection on one of the most overlooked barriers to career advancement for senior women in STEM and corporate leadership: social conditioning.

Adaeze uses this solo episode as a one-on-one conversation with her audience, creating an intimate space to explore a topic that many women recognize but rarely name.

The episode opens with a scenario that will feel painfully familiar to many listeners. You are in the room, the room you worked over a decade to earn a seat in. Someone asks for your recommendation. You know the answer. But instead of stating it with clarity and conviction, you hesitate.

You second-guess yourself. You mumble something vague, and the moment passes. Then someone else speaks up, the room nods in agreement, and everyone moves on. Everyone except you, because you know you just lost another opportunity to demonstrate your value.

Adaeze traces this pattern back to its roots: social conditioning. From childhood, women are taught to be likable, to smile more, to not be too certain, and to never make anyone uncomfortable.

These lessons are reinforced in school, at home, and especially in corporate environments where women, particularly women of color and African women in STEM, are often the only ones who look like them in the room.

Over time, these survival strategies become deeply ingrained habits. They show up as over-explaining, apologizing before stating an opinion, polling the room for consensus before sharing a recommendation, and softening language to avoid appearing too assertive.

Memorable Quotes

"What got you into the room and helped you survive is now the very thing that is stopping you from getting to your next level. And no one is going to flag it for you, except me." — [06:52]

"Every time you hold back, you're undermining your own authority to make others more comfortable and it's costing you." — [09:39]

"This week, in your next meeting, say the thing. State the recommendation. And like I said earlier, pause. Don't explain. Don't scan people's faces for approval." — [09:52]

"You're not unprepared, you're not unqualified, that's not it. But you've been conditioned for years to pause, to question, and ultimately to say nothing." — [01:50]

"Say the thing. That's it. Say it. Own it. Don't overthink it. Don't hold back. Don't apologize for it." — [08:32]

"At this level, the rules are different. Social conditioning in executive spaces is not quite correct." — [03:35]

Connect with African Women in STEM on Social Media:

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Follow Adaeze Iloeje-Udeogalanya on LinkedIn⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Follow African Women in STEM on LinkedIn⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Follow African Women in STEM on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the African Women in STEM Membership⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Visit the African Women in STEM Website⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Watch Adaeze Iloeje-Udeogalanya's ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠TEDX Talk⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ on YouTube⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Decision-Level Advisory Application | Fill this Form >>

This episode of "Lunch with Leaders" features a compelling conversation between host ⁠Adaeze Iloeje-Udeogalanya⁠⁠ and Charis Loveland, an expert at the intersection of emotional intelligence (EQ) and artificial intelligence (AI).

They delve into the critical importance of a human-centered approach to technology, navigating career transitions in the age of AI, and the power of emotional intelligence in leadership.

Charis shares her inspiring journey from an English literature major to a leader in the AI space, offering valuable insights for women in STEM and anyone looking to thrive in our rapidly changing world.

Episode Key Takeaways

The Intersection of AI and EQ: AI is a powerful tool, but it must be guided by emotional intelligence to serve humanity. Leaders must prioritize human well-being and ethical considerations in the design and implementation of AI.

Navigating Career Transitions: Life is full of "disruptive events" or "life quakes." Embracing these transitions as opportunities for growth and self-discovery is crucial. Charis shares her personal experience with layoffs and how she navigated the "messy middle" to launch her own business.

The Power of Emotional Intelligence: EQ is a critical skill for leaders and individuals. It encompasses self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and people management. Developing EQ can lead to greater success and fulfillment in both personal and professional life.

Human Connection in a Digital World: In an era of increasing automation and digital communication, genuine human connection is more important than ever. Leaders should foster environments that prioritize meaningful relationships and transparent communication.

FAQs

1. What is the difference between Artificial Intelligence (AI) and Emotional Intelligence (EQ)?

AI is the application of statistical techniques to data to make predictions. EQ, on the other hand, is about understanding and managing your own emotions and the emotions of others. It consists of four quadrants: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and people management.

2. How can we ensure AI is developed and used responsibly?

To ensure responsible AI, we need to prioritize human rights, dignity, and well-being in the design process. This includes bias testing, transparency, and involving diverse communities in the development of AI systems.

3. How can I navigate a career transition or a "messy middle" in my life?

Embrace the transition as an opportunity for growth. Reflect on your values, skills, and what you want to achieve. Seek support from your community and be open to new possibilities. Remember that everyone, even experts, starts somewhere.

Episode Timestamps

[03:56] - Charis Loveland's career journey and the "messy middle."

[15:33] - Defining Artificial Intelligence (AI) and Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

[24:35] - Rethinking value creation in the AI-driven economy.

[38:55] - The responsibility of leaders and women in STEM in shaping the future of AI.

[49:30] - Charis Loveland on her legacy and bringing "charisma back with charisma intelligence.

Follow Charis Loveland on Social:

• Charis Loveland LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/charisloveland/ (LinkedIn)

• Booking link (Google Calendar appointments with Charis): https://calendar.app.google/ecgik1vFTb8GxpRB8

• Coaching circle information page: https://mailchi.mp/7311fd8852e8/confident-connected-2026-coaching-circle (Mailchimp)

• Chris’s substack: https://helloadversity.substack.com/

• AI for Human Flourishing (toolkit / framework site): https://www.aiforhumanflourishing.com/ (AI For Human Flourishing)

In this solo episode of "Lunch with Leaders," Adaeze Iloeje-Udeogalanya shares a pivotal career insight: the shift from proving your worth to positioning yourself for leadership. Drawing from her own experiences as a woman in STEM, she explains how the common drive to over-prepare and seek validation can paradoxically hinder career progression.

Instead of constantly trying to prove you belong, she argues for a proactive approach of positioning, which involves shaping perceptions, asserting capability, and demonstrating readiness to lead. This episode is a guide for high-achievers, especially women in male-dominated fields, on how to build authority, own their decisions, and ultimately, secure their seat at the table.

Key Takeaways

• Stop Proving, Start Positioning: Instead of over-explaining and seeking validation, focus on framing decisions, clarifying risks, and making clear recommendations. Proving says, "I deserve to be here," while positioning says, "I'm here to set the direction."
• Ownership Creates Authority: Taking ownership of your recommendations, trade-offs, and outcomes signals certainty and authority. Organizations elevate those who reduce uncertainty and see the bigger picture.
• Detach from Validation: At senior levels, decisiveness, especially in ambiguity, is valued over being right. Authority requires detachment from the need for approval. Seeking agreement erodes your authority.
• Likability vs. Influence: Prioritizing being liked can delay your career growth. To gain influence, you need authority, which sometimes means making unpopular but necessary decisions.

FAQs

Q: What is the "Authority Code"?

A: The Authority Code is the mental and strategic shift from trying to prove your value to proactively positioning yourself as a leader. It's about owning your expertise and decisions rather than seeking external validation.

Q: How can I tell if I'm "proving" instead of "positioning"?

A: Signs of proving include over-preparing, over-explaining, hedging recommendations (e.g., saying "I think" instead of "I recommend"), and seeking constant agreement. Positioning, on the other hand, involves framing decisions, owning outcomes, and communicating with conviction.

Q: Why is being a high-performer not enough for advancement?

A: While high performance is essential, at senior levels, leadership is evaluated on the ability to be decisive, manage ambiguity, and demonstrate ownership. Simply being "right" or deserving is not enough; you must signal that you are ready to lead.

Timestamps

• [00:00 - 00:55] Introduction to the episode's theme.
• [00:56 - 03:53] Personal story: The pitfalls of over-preparation and the need to prove oneself.
• [03:54 - 05:15] Introducing the concept of "Positioning" vs. "Proving."
• [05:16 - 09:12] The "Authority Code": Decisiveness, ownership, and detachment from validation.
• [09:13 - 11:12] Actionable advice and call to action: Shifting your strategy for senior leadership.

Connect with African Women in STEM on Social Media:

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Follow Adaeze Iloeje-Udeogalanya on LinkedIn⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Follow African Women in STEM on LinkedIn⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Follow African Women in STEM on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the African Women in STEM Membership⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Visit the African Women in STEM Website⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Watch Adaeze Iloeje-Udeogalanya's ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠TEDX Talk⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ on YouTube⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠Decision-Level Advisory Application | Fill this Form >>