We're astrally projecting into an aldis lamp to tell CHRISTMAS BEDTIME STORIES (2022), but we are absolutely not dead, we're just…

TEASER:

In Florida, ok? … Top 10 JACKED-UP Movies … Call the General

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

DEAD DAD … Please do not perceive us … Too disturbing for civvies … Cast Rundown … Escaping the NXIVM Cult … Heat, again … The Expositional Challenge … Listen to "Jeb & Maura's Awful Party" … Plot Mop-Up: Stepdad solution; Baxter (mutual) breakup … Rules-free ass-sliding nougat … Not a modeling-behavior movie … Detail-free resurrection … Never quit mourning … Destructive, waste of time, video game … Christmas astral projection … A prank … Nancy Grace's #PotTot … "Pet Sematary"…

PART TWO

No-shoes Wine Clown … Ominous Hallmark: Stalker vibes; Dead Dad varsity jacket; "sure"; speaking to the captors … The Odyssey and Pazuzu … Spot the Angel: "The Troop"/no angel … The Humor Side … Eat Your Heart Out: Good cake, normal drinks, not Newcastle, elevated s'mores, gas-station lunch swap … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: RIP (the universal troop)…

PART THREE

Overdetermined: All; (Wig crime); magical trooping; "don't give up" plus "bring my daddy's voice back to life" … Crossover: "The Fort Bragg Cartel" vs. Pierce's Special Investigators … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone on Danielle's journey; Pierce, the silk-shirt pleader; "it's the holidays, stuff's crazy!"; LLM-prompt daughter Audrey … Great Moments in Moppetry: 4.5 … Whoa! Wife Chat: "I wanted to try again" … The Maxell ad…

PART FOUR

Who's the Real Villain: The American way of (class) war … Rating: 1 … Jordon Hudson … The Leftovers: Snowstorm oat of nowhere … Special Ops infiltration in Yemen … A relic of solemnity about American troop death … Everything that sucks makes this suck more … Brigadier, 18 soldiers … Fake snowball doink … Off-brand American filler music … Steve Lund: Jarhead III … "Kill All the White Man" … "Detachable Penis" and John S. Hall … Halfway ≠ Close … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

Jeb & Maura's Awful Party (LINK)

Fever Dream (LINK)

It's a Boogie-Woogie Royal boy and girl named Dee Dee having A ROYAL QUEEN'S CHRISTMAS (2021), and how did we find it?…

TEASER:

I use-a da Google!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Getting the lead out for the NYC marathon … "Darren Wahlberg" … Vintage Hallmark mind prison … Long or Staten Island … Reopening the Beast … The dangers of nostalgia…

PART TWO

Cast Rundown …Megan Park Appreciation Station … The Expositional Challenge … We're sensualists … Plot Mop-Up: Zoe's BF's fancy hotel bakery contract; big brother snowman volunteers; good throwing form; after-school choir program; royal retirement, Exeter, Choate, Hanover, Danelaw…

PART THREE

Our new $10 Patreon livestream!/Hera Appreciation Station … Spot the Angel: Whitbey's fart-free Derek Jacobi notes … Eat Your Heart Out: Mostly good; antipasti damn sampler; OK hotel food; wtf r u saying (Italian); chicken caprese; charcuterie rosemary; Christmas colors; "I got cannoli!" … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 137's Collateral, Episode 141's Katz's knockoff, Episode 8's blood-red bordello Brooklyn…

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: You got direction in my freedom; Quit! Quit! Quit! Quit! … Foxhole Friends … Crossover: McDowell's, Hallmark cultural amnesia, Groundhog Day for Duolingo … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: King and Queen, plot forms … Authentically careless aristocrats? … Return of "Coordinator" … The Ethnics, an EPCOT People…

PART FIVE

Rating: 2.5 … So rote, real piano playing, busted for bird-and-fish plagiarism … The Leftovers: Julian Morris and Mae Whitman Appreciation Station … 2017 Mark Felt miniseries … Succulent Christmas meal … Handjob Park … Rob Thomas … Running back for the Jets … Palace of Exeter, Bruno Kirby's mom … A Pocket Circus, The Mook's Gambit … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

ANDY LEVY, MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR return for a latke contest and a little HANUKKAH ON RYE (2022) but first...

Everyone is being disrespectful to the story of Hanukkah.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Minyan introductions … Jewish menu check … Podcast Goy … Hallmark Hanukkah History … Jewishness at 11.5, for future museums … Instant Bubbe, chocolate syrup … "Hollywood" … Peter DeLuise, James Caan Rule … Pandering, mockery, Batman … Dissociation, grandparental Jewishness…

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: You've Got Mail Crossing Delancey ... Plot Mop-Up: Lisa Loeb and Hanukkah songs; the actual plot; the Battle of the Bubbes … Spot the Angel: Mrs. Mizansky; Perd Hapley, Kermit doorman … John Wick…

PART THREE

Eat Your Heart Out: The Great Yiddish Bake Off; all Jewish food; teeming latkes; sufganiyot again; donut grievances; the Jewish Hidden Valley; egg cream; wax catharsis; corned beef sample, sad lox; rotating deli glamour shots; CGI; not kosher; "Gilberts"; rancid takeout swans; match game: food; concentration…

PART FOUR

Hallmark Expanded Universe: "Earth Jew" … Overdetermined: "Fiddler on the what?"; East coast culture snobbery … Crossover: Marvel, Candyman, Dr. Sleep, Harry Met Sally orgasm deli … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: The Bubbes, potato lip…

PART FIVE

Who's the Real Villain: Not making grandkids; NYC commercial real estate; no villains … Cloned bubbes, uncomfortable cousin vibes … Title/Sequel … Rating: 3.5 … Constant deceit, prayer … No to Andie MacDowell … Pokemonides…

PART SIX

The Leftovers: Electric menorah … Chekhov's seltzer gun … Grabbing pennies, generous tip …. IMDB Dive: Angela Narth Appreciation Station … Day drunk … SO not NYC, SO not heterosexual … DNA testing: No! … Why we do what we do … Andy's Stuff: Gay as hell, LA coding, waxpertise, Kyrie's Seamless order, Hanukkah's for children … Angry fasting movies! … Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "(I'm Spending) Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer.

That Slate article: LINK

Bluesky Links: Andy - Charles - Dave - Jeb - Maura