Do you find talking to strangers a challenge?

You're not alone.

Researchers at the University of Chicago put commuters on trains and buses and asked some of them to strike up a conversation with the stranger next to them. The ones who did reported significantly happier journeys, every single time. And yet when they asked a separate group beforehand whether they’d enjoy it, almost everyone said no. They predicted feeling awkward or unwanted. They were wrong, but the fear was so convincing, they believed it anyway.

And yet, for the sake of your health and sanity, you need to find a way to overcome that fear of striking up a conversation and building rapport - connecting - with anyone.

One in six people worldwide is now affected by loneliness. Around 100 deaths happen every hour as a result. The WHO has declared social connection a public health crisis on a par with obesity and smoking. And yet 75% of us say nothing replaces human connection. We have more ways to reach each other than any generation that has ever lived and we are lonelier than ever.

In this episode, hosts Sarah Wright and Dr Victoria Stakelum are joined by Anitra Irrera - BBC Radio Kent broadcast journalist, reporter and producer - to explore the art and science of rapport: what it actually is, why we find it so terrifying, and what it takes to build genuine connection with a complete stranger. Anitra has spent her career doing the thing most of us dread - walking up to people she has never met and getting them to open up, whether that’s a grieving family, a hostile politician, or a reluctant celebrity who clearly doesn’t want to be there.

This episode covers the neuroscience of eye contact, smiling, and mirror neurons; why mirroring someone’s energy and pace builds instant trust (and why this is both a teaching tool in NLP and, some would argue, a dark art); how the fear of rejection is wired into us at a survival level, and how to override it; the Norwegian approach to directness and what the British can learn from it; why digital connection is not the same as the real thing neurologically; and the single most powerful thing you can do to build rapport with anyone, anywhere. Spoiler alert - it involves swearing but not in the way you might think.

If you’ve ever found yourself staring at your phone to avoid making eye contact on the tube, this one’s for you. Because every person you’ve ever loved was once a stranger. Every single one.

Anitra Irrera - BBC Radio Kent broadcast journalist, reporter and producer. Originally from Bergen in Norway, Anitra holds a degree in Psychology and Anthropology and has spent her career building rapport under pressure: from music interviews to political reporting to live broadcasting. She is also a teacher.

Be part of the conversation. If you have a conversational conundrum or a question, please do get in touch via our email: abloodygoodconversation@gmail.com.

Research mentioned in this episode

• University of Chicago commuter study - Epley & Schroeder (2014), ‘Mistakenly seeking solitude’, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General
• WHO report on loneliness as a global public health priority (2023)
• Mirror neurons and social connection - Rizzolatti & Craighero (2004), Annual Review of Neuroscience

NLP and rapport

• NLP World — introduction to matching, mirroring and rapport – https://www.nlpworld.co.uk
• Psychology Today — The Science of Rapport – https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/rapport

The 100 days of rejection experiment

• Jia Jiang – ‘Rejection Proof’ TED Talk https://www.ted.com/talks/jia_jiang_what_i_learned_from_100_days_of_rejection

Loneliness and social connection

• WHO — Social isolation and loneliness – https://www.who.int/teams/mental-health-and-substance-use/promotion-prevention/social-connection
• Campaign to End Loneliness (UK) – https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org

You know the one. It starts the moment you wake up at 3am, or maybe it’s the reason you woke up in the first place. Not good enough. Not clever enough. Not doing enough. Most of us are having a conversation with ourselves that we would never tolerate from another person. And it’s doing real damage: to our confidence, our relationships, and for many of us, our sleep.

In this episode, hosts, Sarah Wright and psychologist Dr Victoria Stakelum, explore why our brains default to negative self-talk, what it is physically doing to our bodies, and what we can do to change it. Victoria explains the science behind negativity bias - the evolutionary survival mechanism that causes the brain to scan for threat and, in the absence of real danger, manufacture it - and why the stories we tell ourselves at night are particularly potent. In a wakeful sleep state, the body can’t tell the difference between a real threat and a vividly imagined one. The catastrophic 3am thought spiral is, quite literally, a self-induced stress response.

The conversation covers the physiological cost of chronic self-criticism (inflammation, disrupted sleep hormones, reduced immunity), the origins of the inner critic in childhood programming and social comparison, and the research showing that how we speak to ourselves directly shapes what becomes possible for us. Victoria also opens up about her own relationship with perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking - a reminder that even the psychologist is working on it.

You’ll come away with a step-by-step process for building kinder self-talk from the ground up: from the one sentence that can de-escalate a 3am spiral, to body scan techniques, to the most powerful reframe of all: responding to yourself as you would to someone you genuinely love.

Be part of the conversation. If you have a conversational conundrum or a question, please do get in touch via our email: abloodygoodconversation@gmail.com.

Sarah’s book

• Get Back to Sleep: A Recovering Insomniac’s Practical Guide to Beating Insomnia – Available on Amazon

CBT-I (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia)

• Sarah refers to this course that helped her: ReSleep.

Self-talk and self-compassion

• Self-Compassion - Dr Kristin Neff’s research and free self-compassion exercises https://self-compassion.org
• Psychology Today - What Is Negative Self-Talk, and How Can You Change It? https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/self-talk

Negativity bias

• Verywell Mind - What Is the Negativity Bias? https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618

Mindfulness and body scan

• NHS Every Mind Matters - Mindfulness and body scan audio guides: https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/mindfulness/

In this episode, Sarah Wright and Dr. Victoria Stakelum explore the inner dialogue that shapes everything: your confidence, your decisions, your relationships, and your ability to have difficult conversations.

We unpack where your inner critic comes from (spoiler: it was formed in childhood, and it thinks it's helping), how to tell the difference between fear-based chatter and genuine gut instinct, and what to do when that voice in your head is holding you back.

You'll learn why trying to silence your inner critic backfires, what you can do so it loses its grip, and the ABC technique for regulating yourself in the moment. Plus: the surprising power of giving your inner critic a name, why affirmations can make things worse if you don't believe them, and how journaling with your non-dominant hand might unlock answers your conscious mind can't reach.

If you've ever beaten yourself up after a meeting, talked yourself out of something you wanted, or wondered why you can't just think more positively—this one's for you.

Topics covered:

• What a “conversation with yourself” really is and why we’re all doing it (whether we notice it or not).
• Why the tone and volume of your self-talk matters for wellbeing and relationships.
• How to spot when you’re being hijacked in a conversation (mental and physical signs).
• A simple regulation framework you can use anywhere: Awareness → Breath → Choice.
• How to work with (not against) your inner critic, including naming it and understanding what it’s trying to do for you.
• Why “positive affirmations” can backfire and how to do realism-based positivity instead.
• Practical ways to externalise your thoughts: journaling, speaking out loud, and prompts that take you deeper.

Guest Information

• Dr. Victoria Stakelum - Psychologist & Mindset Coach
• Sarah Wright - Communications & Creative Strategist
• Victoria's Oracle Cards: Available at thesuccesssmith.com under Launchpad

Contact / listener questions

Have a conversational conundrum or a question sparked by this episode? Email the show at ABloodyGoodConversation@gmail.com .