Cary Harrison's "MAGA History of the United States" [Part 3]: cover art

Cary Harrison's "MAGA History of the United States" [Part 3]:

Cary Harrison's "MAGA History of the United States" [Part 3]:

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 Disclaimer: These events are told from the viewpoint of this descendant of one of the first American families. One side came over on the Mayflower; the other to colonize for the crown, participate (on both sides) in the Revolutionary War, had Lincoln as an ancestor on one side; slavers on the other, Quakers, quaffers, and a cabal of creatives from TV, movie-making, to radio.WARNING:This book contains– Unauthorized history– Unsupervised satire– Graphic depictions of hypocrisy– Blasphemy against national myths– Improper handling of revered figures– Unlicensed moral claritySide effects may include laughter, anger, historical recognition, and sudden distrust of people who say “this is for your own good.”Not approved by wellness gurus, congressional committees, or anyone who believes discomfort equals virtue.Read at your own risk.Chapter 13a: THE CEREAL KILLER(or, How America Let a Flake-Peddling Puritan Declare War on the Human Body)Dr. Kellogg is one of my favorite American scalawags! America has always had a special weakness for lunatics who arrive wearing lab coats, wielding clipboards, and promising cleanliness. Enter Dr. John Harvey Kellogg—physician, health reformer, breakfast tyrant, and the sort of man who looked at the human body and saw original sin with plumbing.This was a man so terrified of lust that he dedicated his life to chasing it with spoons.Kellogg ran the Battle Creek Sanitarium, a health resort for the rich, anxious, and chronically guilty. Patients came seeking vitality. Kellogg offered them multiple fanny enemas, yogurt injections, electrotherapy, and lectures delivered with the warmth of a tax audit. His gospel was simple: if you felt joy in your body, something had gone terribly wrongNaturally, America listened.Because Kellogg spoke fluent authority. He was a doctor. He published papers. He wore white. And most importantly, he wrapped his personal revulsions in the language of hygiene. Sex wasn’t sinful, you see—it was unhealthy. Masturbation wasn’t normal—it was a disease. Desire wasn’t human—it was a mechanical failure.And when something malfunctions, you fix it. Preferably with medical instruments and sharp blades.Kellogg’s obsession with suppressing sexual behavior metastasized into what can only be described as a surgical tantrum. Circumcision, he declared, would solve the problem. Not as a religious rite. Not as a personal choice. But as a preventative moral appliance—like a chastity lock installed by a man who hated doors. And it was done during the time of puberty, before the advent of sterilization. So, as you can imagine, there was a lot of blood, plus, scar tissue and very little desire to ever touch oneself again, even with soap. So as a young man continued to grow, so did the scar tissue of a lousy circumcision turn his prong into a bent banana - a mangled, corkscrewed tragedy that couldn’t point straight if its life depended on it.Circumcision, in Kellogg’s mind, was not a religious rite or a medical necessity. It was a behavioral deterrent—a punitive firmware update for the body designed to make pleasure inconvenient, joy suspicious, and adolescence feel like a disciplinary hearing. He openly advocated performing it without anesthesia so the lesson would “stick.” This was not medicine. This was spite with a scalpel. Surgery as moral spanking.Kellogg reached for metal. His was not a medical practice so much as a Victorian dungeon masquerading as public health, a place where the human body arrived flawed and left traumatized.For boys and men, he devised what can only be described as genital penitentiaries—iron chastity cages fitted over the penis like a medieval apology. These contraptions were strapped, buckled, or banded into place, engineered to prevent erection, access, or any hint of optimism below the belt. Some featured internal spikes, because Kellogg believed the body learned best when pain arrived promptly and without ambiguity. A swelling penis, in his theology, was not a biological event—it was an insurrection, and insurrections were to be crushed.There were also rings—cold, unyielding metal circles clamped at the base, sometimes studded with spikes, designed to act as tripwires for nocturnal treason. The moment the body dared dream, the device bit back. This was behaviorism before Skinner, Pavlov with a wrench, a feedback loop of shame and steel. The lesson was simple: arousal equals agony. Learn it or bleed.Children, naturally, were not spared. Kellogg endorsed chastity belts for boys, smaller versions of adult restraints, justified with the calm assurance that childhood curiosity led directly to madness, weakness, and moral collapse. These belts were meant to be worn continuously. Hygiene was incidental. Psychological damage was considered a feature. The goal was not health—it was preemption.Girls and women fared no better. Kellogg recommended clitoral shields and restraints, often incorporated into ...
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