Andy has been kidnapped. He's in Africa, and the only telephone number he can remember is his parents'. But Andy's mum and dad have issues of their own. Andy's dad has been forced into retirement and doesn't know what to do with his time and is horrified to discover that a friend has been telling Andy's mum that she has a constitutional right to an orgasm. Andy's girlfriend, Ali, is in New York on a work trip. She thinks it's time for them to get married and has dropped monster hints that Andy has been resisting. 

Once a famous artist’s model, Valérie’s allure hasn’t diminished–unlike her bank balance. Swapping her chic Paris apartment for a country chateau causes consternation among her coterie of admirers: a diffident philosopher who thinks smoking in cafés will lend him an air of sophistication, a philandering fraudster who doesn’t care who he pursues as long as they have a healthy bank balance, and a retired soldier whose bony backside is his only character flaw.

Bryan Brizzard, a notorious bastard and owner of short-haul airline company Bryanair, hates everyone. He hates his suppliers, his employees, his passengers, and his wife and children. But, Dom Hazel discovers, he really loves his poodle, Oodle. And Hazel is an animal assassin. But this time it's a kidnap and Brizzard's mansion is set in the Essex Woods where Hazel, who's trying to be faithful to Julie, finds temptation and confusion. And dogging. The plan threatens to fall apart as Hazel leaves behind more of his DNA than he intends.

Arthur Cholmondely-Godstone is in the business of pensions. He offers a unique pension, from a nonreturnable sum, and he introduces his clients to a new way of living. He encourages them to explore radical views, try extreme sports and to eat, drink and smoke as much as they can. Or put another way, Arthur does his best to kill them.

Edward was a respectable architect when a disagreement over the wrong shade of Georgian red with Aubyn, a mean-spirited conservation officer, saw the full force of the law applied. Ian had been a successful accountant until he was shafted by dodgy PPI pusher Kevin. Their lives tumble and they end up in prison, where they meet Nelson, banged up after stealing a sapphire and a Bentley from a contessa in Monaco. An early release prompts Edward, Ian, and Nelson to take a road trip in search of a new life, revenge, and adventure. Will the vintage Bentley manage the trip?